Michael Che
Trish Dale… Sarah Shermon
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: It was announced that kids cartoon Peppa Pig will introduce the same sex polar bear couple to its cast of characters. Here to talk about it is very upset president of the Peppa Pig fan club, Trish Dale.
Trish Dale: Hi Michael, thanks for having me.
Michael Che: Yes, I understand you’re pretty upset about this new addition to the show.
Trish Dale: Michael, I’m more than upset. I’m mad as H-E-single C-single K.
Michael Che: Wow, you spell it out. You spell out ‘heck’. Okay.
Trish Dale: Michael, you may think I’m overreacting. But parents who love Peppa Pig should get to choose what kind of thing their kids see.
Michael Che: Well, what are the characters like?
Trish Dale: Well, it’s a polar bear girl with two daddies and one’s a doctor and one stays home and make spaghetti.
Michael Che: Well I think that actually sounds kind of cute.
Trish Dale: Yeah, it is. It is cute. Until they anally enter each other.
Michael Che: What?
Trish Dale: Come on, Michael. Sure, in the first episode, they make spaghetti. But you know, as soon as those plates are cleared, they’re anally entering each other. And one is a doctor so he knows just where it goes.
Michael Che: Trish, I don’t think that’s going to happen on the show.
Trish Dale: Oh, I know. They’re do something innocent like teach Peppa howto ride a bike.
Michael Che: Well, that’s nice.
Trish Dale: And then once Peppa has the hang of it, they’ll say, “You got this girl,” and then they go behind the bush and they’ll anally enter each other.
Michael Che: Trish, I think the show is just reflecting that gay people exist and that it’s just a part of life.
Trish Dale: It’s not a part of life. It hurts.
Michael Che: What does?
Trish Dale: I tried it. To find out if it hurts. And it hurts. And they’re polar bears so you know it’s like this big. Imagine that in you.
Michael Che: Trish, I think you need to calm down.
Trish Dale: I can’t. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried meditation, poppers and stickers. And there’s another episode where…
Michael Che: Trish please.
Trish Dale: And there’s another episode where Peppa is having trouble with her homework. So the bigger polar bear, the more masculine one says, “Hey, let’s go upstairs and get our calculator.” But then they never come back. And you want to know why? Do you want to know what they were doing up there, Michael?
Michael Che: Anally entering each other?
Trish Dale: Showering.
Michael Che: Oh, okay.
Trish Dale: To get ready to anally enter each other because of the whole process.
Michael Che: How do you know that?
Trish Dale: I googled it. I spent all day googling all this stuff because it’s sick.
Michael Che: Well then, don’t let your kids watch.
Trish Dale: I don’t have kids… anymore.
Michael Che: Anymore?
Trish Dale: They grew up. And I don’t know where they are.
Michael Che: Trish, this is all in your head. The show will never show any of that.
Trish Dale: And that’s why I animated my own. so everyone can see exactly what I’m talking about.
Michael Che: Oh, the big one is the bottom. That’s good.
Trish Dale: Michael, that’s the twist.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I hate to interrupt.
Trish Dale: Who are you?
Colin Jost: It’s okay. I actually watched the show and it’s two polar bear mommies, not two daddies.
Trish Dale: What? What is that? Now I have to google that?
Michael Che: No, no. It’s like… [whispering on Trish Dale’s ear]
Trish Dale: Oh. So it’s just mashing and mushing. Oh, that’s fine. I’ve done that. I’ll take your papers.
Michael Che: Trish Dale, everybody.
Trish Dale: I love you.
Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.