Jets Fans

[Starts with four Jets fans at the game]

Cecily: Kids, watch where you’re running, okay? This is so fun. I am so glad we were able to get this together.

Kenan: Yeah, it is a great day for a game.

Amy: Couldn’t ask for better tailgating weather. It should be a great game.

Andrew: Yeah, the bills are top of the division. They’re pretty good.

Kenan: So is this macaroni salad? Amazing?

Amy: Isn’t it delicious? Laura? What did you have time to make this?

Cecily: No, I just started together last night. It’s nothing.

Amy: Well, if it’s nothing, give me more nothing.

Cecily: Oh-oh, Bills fan coming.

Amy: [rudely] Hey, Bills jersey. Hey, you’re wearing a frigging wrong shirt, you friggin a-hole.

Cecily: You’re like a frigging moron. Yeah, keep walking, a-hole.

Kenan: Moron.

Andrew: Clown.

[a guy walks by wearing Bills jersey]

Amy: Yeah, freaking dead today, moron.

All: J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.

Cecily: By the way, did I tell you Henry’s having a tough time at school?

Amy: Really? Oh no. What happened?

Cecily: I guess he’s getting bullied.

Amy: No.

Cecily: Yeah, for his hair cut.

Kenan: Well, that is awful.

Andrew: Yeah. Where do kids even learn this?

Cecily: From the internet? I guess. [screaming at Bills fan] Oh, fat ass Bills fan alert.

Amy: Hey, fatty, maybe do a few jumping jacks before your next meal.

Cecily: Yeah, maybe eat a vegetable next time, you frigging whale.

[Heidi is walking by wearing bills jersey]

Heidi: I’m pregnant.

Amy: Oh, you want a friggin medal? Have a drink slut.

Kenan: Yeah, drink up, you donkey.

Andrew: Yes, it’s on us, donkey.

Cecily: Jets. By the way, I was in CVS yesterday. They already have a Christmas stuff out.

Amy: I know. They take down the Halloween stuff and poof, it’s Christmas.

[police walks in]

Police: Hey, hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

Amy: Sorry. Is there a problem, officer?

Police: There will be if you don’t put that charcoal out before you head into the game?

Kenan: Of course, we’ll put it out.

Police: Well, I would hope so. Because every week— [screaming] Hey! Hey, Bills mafia! You’re in the wrong stadium, your friggin a-hole.

Cecily: Oh, you’re gonna cry to your mommy? Boo-hoo.

Amy: Yeah, keep walking douche bags.

[A bunch of kids pass by. They’re bullying those bunch of kids.]

Kenan: Yeah, I’ll bring the barbecue right through you, you little—

Cecily: Yeah, keep running. Run away.

Police: Yeah, run right into traffic, you freaking douche bags. You folks enjoy the game.

Amy: Thank you, officer. Oh my god, I forgot to tell you. My second grade class is so adorable this year and they’re so excited to learn. [screaming] Hey! Bills flag. Kiss my whole thing.

Cecily: Yes. Suck my sleeve, buddy. Suck it front to back.

[a guy on a wheelchair wearing Bills jersey pass by ignoring them]

Andrew: Oh, you’re gonna go by all slow, huh? You think that scares me? I’m not scared of you, you banzi.

Kenan: Yeah, I’ll put my whole fist on your face, you frigging a-hole.

Cecily: Yeah, keep moving, you hump freaking hump.

Andrew: You know, I am really feeling this White Claw.

Cecily: Right?

Amy: Oh, you know what? Excuse me for a second. Hey. [runs out of the frame]

Male voice: Hey, what the hell are you doing?

[Amy pushes a wheelchair back out and runs back to her friends.]

Amy: So should we start heading in soon?

Andrew: Oh, you know what? There’s only five minutes left in the game.

Cecily: Oh my gosh. Did we miss the whole game again?

Andrew: It looks like it. Yeah.

Amy: So should we just stay out here?

Kenan: I’m having fun. [screaming] Hey! Hey, lady!

Cecily: Hey, suck my sleeve, you dumb cow.

Amy: Suck her whole sleeve.

All: J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.

Weekend Update Euphoria Fans Criticize Creator Dunkins Shamrock Macchiato

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Serena Williams at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Serena Williams criticized the New York Times after it mistakenly printed a picture of her sister Venus Williams and labeled it as Serena. Worse, The Times then sent an apology letter to Wendy Williams.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictre of Euphoria poster at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fans of the hit HBO show Euphoria had been harshly criticized in the series creator for sexualizing the high school characters. Plus it’s just not accurate. I mean, take it from me, no one has sex in high school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s old picture from high school.] Don’t applause that much.

[Picture changes to Capitol building]

The House voted to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the only all female black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all and his new film” Inglourious Bersterds”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dubai’s museum at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dubai has opened the museum of the future which attempts to show what the world will be like in 50 years. And let’s just say the museum does not feature a polar bear exhibit.

[Picture changes to a dark room]

A new study finds that 11% of American adults are afraid of the dark, especially if that dark is behind them at the ATM.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a pictire of Shamrock Macchiato by Dunkin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock macchiato which combines espresso vanilla and Irish cream. It’s the festive sugary drink that will have you saying “Top O’ the morning” and losing the bottom O’ your leg.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet with $4000 returned tot he owner” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in Times Square returned a lost while it filled with $4,000 cash to its rightful owner. When told how much money was in the return wallet, the man replied… [sound of a gunshot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wheel of Fortune at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy puzzle saying, “Have a little heart”, or as the contestants would guess, “Hayes a nipple heave.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 1st March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was National Pig day, but I told that to a pig and he handcuffed me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whiskey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiast when I say, “Ba?”