Kate McKinnon[Starts with a clip of exclusive fashion commercial]
Heidi Gardner: I let my look do the talking.
Ego Nwodim: My body is my canvas, and my clothes is my paint.
Narrator: When it comes to fashion, there’s no risk you won’t take. Well, congrats on being hot, but this ain’t for you. [Cut to a simple clothing store] Introducing fashion coward, the only stor for people who hate shopping and feel lost and scared, with clothes that suggest the general idea of a person. So many shirts are almost normal, but then they go like this. [Kate wearing a simle shirt with a knot at the bottom] We keep it safe with things like brown sweater, navy shirt, pants for the legs and one black dress that says keep it moving.[Cut to Ego Nwodim from exclusive fashion commercial]
Ego Nwodim: My style tells a story.[Cut to Emma in the simple clothing store]
Emma Stone: Same. My story is I’m a stranger to myself.
Aidy Bryant: I go in cruises with my parents.
Kate McKinnon: Ideal juror.
Narrator: Can’t decide between buttons and no buttons? We split the diff with a whole lot of this. [Cut to clips of shirts with half trail buttons] That’s a half trail of buttons that say – Bail! Bail, bail, bail. And you got to try on our big gray zip-up sweatshirt [Cut to clips of oversized hoodies] that doubles as a real life invisibility cloak. Try it on in our coward proof fitting room. As a child, you were humiliated in a Kohl’s fitting room where your mother said something so harmful, is seared off the top layer of your brain. You’re safe here with things like far mirrors.[Cut to Kate checking her clothes on a mirror that’s pretty far]
Kate McKinnon: That’ll do.
Narrator: If an item of clothing makes you ask, am I this person?
Aidy Bryant: Maybe for like a rooftop party?
Narrator: It will immediately burst into flames. [The dress burns itself] Decisions are hard. That’s why if you take more than seconds to decide if you want something, the fitting room emits a mercy gas that knocks you out. [Kate faints] Then you’re carried home by a big strong man who shops for you. [Big strong man carrying Kate on his shoulder and choosing clothes for her] And we don’t sell swimsuits. You know why. [Cut to Kate, Aidy and Emma. They are very happy] Fashion coward.