Tag: FBI

Weekend Update- U.S. Shoots Down Chinese Spy Balloon, FBI Searches Biden’s Beach House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a balloon.]

Earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotted crossing the United States officially ending history’s most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it’s a girl.

[picture changes to China’s map]

Chinese officials condemn the US decision to destroy the surveillance balloon saying it was a civilian aircraft. Okay, but even civilian aircraft can be extremely dangerous. [picture changes to Spirit airlines]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a book.]

Michael Che: The revised AP African American history class removed the names of several black authors that Florida officials called problematic. Instead, they’ve been replaced with authors they call “One of the good ones.”

[picture changes to George Santos]

Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. He added, “The last thing I want is attention,” then he sashayed away in a feather boa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Colin Jost: It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical “Spider Man Turn Off the Dark.” Though he did end up working with the Green Goblin. [picture changes to George Santos wearing green dress] Thank you.

[picture changes to Kevin McCarthy]

Speaker The House Kevin McCarthy seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. It went so well, Biden let him pick a couple of classified documents out of the bowl.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: The FBI searched President Biden’s Delaware beach house but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his beach house is in Delaware.

[picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was announced that Donald Trump’s golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year furthering Trump’s ties to Saudi Arabia. That relationship makes sense. I mean, Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck. [picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of capitol building.]

Colin Jost: Senate voted to designate January ‘National stalking Awareness Month,’ which is a good reminder that we’re only a few weeks away from stalker’s Christmas. [picture changes to a Valentine’s Day card] To close to home.

[picture changes to a handgun]

Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also everyone gets to do one murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: Newly released video of a deposition to New York’s Attorney General’s Office shows former President Trump taking the 5th hundreds of times. Also taking a 5th, his lawyer. [picture changes to Giuliani holding a bottle of liquor]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of LVII Super Bowl logo.]

Colin Jost: For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. Incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won’t be watching.

Michael Che: On February, man. Wow.

FBI Field Simulator

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

O’Heli… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with FBI Academy Quantico VA.]

Cecily: Alright, cadets. You wanna be an FBI agent, [showing a handgun] you gotta pass firearm training. This straight simulator designed to evaluate your ability to asses when and when not to use deadly force. You will use this infrared light pistol to shoot at our lifelike target dummies. Some are harmless civilians while others are–

[Cut to dummy]

Dummy: I’m gonna kill you.

[Cecily shoots at him]

Cecily: –need to get dropped.

Pete: Damn, that’s so realistic.

Cecily: Yeah. Only the best for you clowns. Any questions.

O’Heli: Ha-ha. Yeah, who’s got the highest score in this game?

Cecily: Hilarious, O’Heli. You think of that when you’re sitting on the can this morning?

O’Heli: No, just now.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you go first since you’re so good at warming up the crowd. Star it up!

[starting bell rings and O’Heli gets ready]

[First dummy appears. He is a thug with a gun.]

Dummy: See you in hell.

[O’Heli shoots at him]

Cecily: Nice shot.

[Next dummy appears. She is an old lady.]

Dummy: My cat ran away. Help me.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot at her]

Cecily: Um, good read.

[Next dummy appears with an orange suit on and a telephone in his hand]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I’m the coolest fish in town. Where’s the party?

[O’Heli gets confused, so he shoots.]

Cecily: Pull it! O’Heli! You wanna tell me why you just shot an innocent civilian?

O’Heli: I apologize. Thug with a gun, clearly bad. Nice old lady, obviously good. Then you got Kevin Roberts. I mean I couldn’t get a read on a man on neon suit holding a big old cell phone claiming to be the coolest bitch in town. It just didn’t seem to fit a type.

Cecily: Ya, okay. This simulator is designed to see how you’ll react in the real world. And it’s not all bank robbers and girl scouts out there, okay? There’s people like Kevin Roberts. Head scratchers. Wild cards. And you don’t use your weapon just because somebody confuses you.

O’Heli: Again, that was my bad. In my defense, I’m pretty confident that type of man does not exist in society. I mean it looks like he came out of 1980s computer game.

Cecily: [sarcastically] Yeah, thanks O’Heli. We value your feedback. Let’s get back to it.

[The bell rings]

[A dummy appears. She has a shotgun and she is yelling]

[O’Heli shoots at her.]

[Another dummy appears. She is just a normal looking girl.]

Dummy: Oh, no! I left my backpack on the school bus.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot her]

Cecily: Um, there you go. Good control, O’Heli.

[The same dummy on an orange suit appears with the same telephone]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I got a very important question. Can a bitch get a doughnut? Now let’s dance. [music playing and the dummy is dancing] See you on a flip side.

Pete: Yo, did that guy just say, “Can a bitch get a doughnut?”

O’Heli: [looking confused] Who the hell designed this thing?

Cecily: Hey, keep your head in the game.

[Another dummy appears. He is wearing yellow suit.]

Dummy: Have you seen my friend Kevin Roberts? Coz I got the bitch a doughnut!

O’Heli: Why does Kevin Roberts have friends in the story line?

Cecily: Focus! Do not let it throw you!

[Another dummy appears. He’s wearing a black leather jacket.]

Dummy: I don’t mean any trouble.

[Dummy puts his hand inside his jacket pocket]

O’Heli: Oh, he’s reaching into his jacket. What’s he doing? What’s he got in there?

[The dummy in orange suit appears simultaneously]

Dummy in orange suit: Breaking news, Kevin Roberts just got his second base with a lady.

O’Heli: No! Go away Kevin Roberts.

[The dummy in black leather jacket shoots at O’Heli]

Dummy in leather jacket: Did pig!

Cecily: Wow! And now you’re dead. Not good, O’Heli.

O’Heli: Kevin Roberts got in my head. He said he got that second base and I was like, “Who would do that with Kevin Roberts?” Being a field agent means dealing with human puzzles like Kevin Roberts, maybe I belong behind a desk. Sorry I wasted the bureau’s time.

Cecily: Don’t apologize to me, O’Heli. You go apologize to the portrait of the man who dedicated his life to designing this simulator.

[Cut to a photograph of the man in orange suit. He is the Chief Designer of the simulator.]

[The End]