Terry Henry… Vanessa Bayer
Albie Durberry… Mikey Day
Keely… Felicity Jones
Jack… Beck Bennett
Genevieve… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Terry Henry announcing the opening of a theater]
Terry Henry: Good evening. I’m Terra Henry, Artistic Director here at the brand new Albie Durberry Theater. [applause] This is all possible, thanks to one incredible generous donor who joins us this evening, Mr. Albie Durberry, who turned a 106 years young this month. [applause] I know that leaving your house is quite an ordeal, sir. And we are so grateful for the effort both you and your nurse Keely put in to join us.[Albie Durberry tries to stand. Keely holds and helps him]
Keely: He wanted to say something.
Albie Durberry: For the amount of money I spent, this play better be good.[laughter] [cheers and applause]
Terry Henry: And now, the world premier of “The Rainstorm.”[The lights dim and the play starts. There’s a coat hanger. Jack and Genevieve walk in.]
Jack: The train was a zoo. I almost didn’t get a seat.
Jack: And how was your day?
Albie Durberry: Keely! What’s this play about?
Keely: Shh, we’ll find out.
Jack: Oh, wonderful. Another evening of Genevieve in a melancholy haze. What is it now, darling?
Genevieve: Just leave me along, Jack.
Albie Durberry: Keely! I can’t hear them.
Jack: All you ever do is cry anymore.
Albie Durberry: What?
Jack: Why couldn’t you be a happy drunk?
Albie Durberry: Who?
Genevieve: What is that supposed to mean?
Jack: I’m– I’m sorry.[beep beep]
Keely: It’s time for you yogurt.
Albie Durberry: Now? I hate that horrid paste.
Genevieve: Don’t be. You’re angry. I’m jealous. [Keely is feeding Albie Durberry yogurt behind] You feel something. I feel nothing lately. No life has become as gray as the– [Albie Durberry is trying his best not to eat yogurt] — clouds I see out of the window.[Keely puts yogurt in Albie Durberry’s mouth forcefully. Albie Durberry spits it all out.]
Albie Durberry: I’m not an infant. I can feed myself.
Keely: No. You’ll make a mess.[Albie Durberry throws everything away] [looking at other audiences] I’m so sorry sir, are we disturbing you?
Kenan: Yes, very much.[Jack is trying to cheer Genevieve up.]
Jack: There, cheer up. Dance with me, Genevieve like we used to.[Jack and Genevieve start dancing]
God, it feels like yesterday.[Jack and Genevieve start humming] [warning alert]
Keely: Sir, I need to disinfect your chair.
Albie Durberry: Make it quick, Keeley, I’m enjoying the play.[Albie Durberry’s wheelchair makes loud noise and is spraying something]
Jack: [shouting so everyone can listen] Come to bed! Come to bed! [Albie Durberry’s wheelchair stops making noise] Come to bed with me. I haven’t touched you in so long.
Genevieve: I– I can’t.
Jack: Christ, Genevieve, you are my wife.
Genevieve: Well, what do you want me to do?
Wheelchair robot: Change medical stockings.[Keely is trying to change medical stockings]
Albie Durberry: No! No, Keely, you’ll make a scene. No, don’t change my socks. [Keely is trying it forcefully] Keely!
Keely: I need to change your therapeutic socks.
Albie Durberry: No. You’ll make a scene, Keely.
Keely: Or you won’t get your caramel candy after supper.
Albie Durberry: No, not my caramel, Kelly! No! No![Keely is making Albie Durberry change]
Genevieve: The truth is Jack isn’t a bad man. He provides, he’s kind, most nights.
Albie Durberry: No! No!
Genevieve: Faithful, I think. And he’d be a wonderful father but I don’t– I don’t love him. I’ve never said that before.
Keely: Can you hold his toes still?
Kenan: I’d rather not, but okay.[Kenan stands and holds Albie Durberry’s body]
Albie Durberry: Keely! This man is attacking me.
Keely: Catch him and hold stiff.
Albie Durberry: No, I need to leave. Goodbye. Come with me. Bye, you crazy man.
Keely: No![Albie Durberry starts moving away. His wheelchair is electric.]
Albie Durberry: Oh! Come with me, Keely! Come with me!
Keely: Mr. Durberry! Mr. Durberry![phone ringing]
I’m so sorry.[It’s Kenan’s phone.]
Jack: Come on, man! We’re trying to do a play up here. Insane!