Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

FBI Field Simulator

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

O’Heli… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with FBI Academy Quantico VA.]

Cecily: Alright, cadets. You wanna be an FBI agent, [showing a handgun] you gotta pass firearm training. This straight simulator designed to evaluate your ability to asses when and when not to use deadly force. You will use this infrared light pistol to shoot at our lifelike target dummies. Some are harmless civilians while others are–

[Cut to dummy]

Dummy: I’m gonna kill you.

[Cecily shoots at him]

Cecily: –need to get dropped.

Pete: Damn, that’s so realistic.

Cecily: Yeah. Only the best for you clowns. Any questions.

O’Heli: Ha-ha. Yeah, who’s got the highest score in this game?

Cecily: Hilarious, O’Heli. You think of that when you’re sitting on the can this morning?

O’Heli: No, just now.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you go first since you’re so good at warming up the crowd. Star it up!

[starting bell rings and O’Heli gets ready] [First dummy appears. He is a thug with a gun.]

Dummy: See you in hell.

[O’Heli shoots at him]

Cecily: Nice shot.

[Next dummy appears. She is an old lady.]

Dummy: My cat ran away. Help me.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot at her]

Cecily: Um, good read.

[Next dummy appears with an orange suit on and a telephone in his hand]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I’m the coolest fish in town. Where’s the party?

[O’Heli gets confused, so he shoots.]

Cecily: Pull it! O’Heli! You wanna tell me why you just shot an innocent civilian?

O’Heli: I apologize. Thug with a gun, clearly bad. Nice old lady, obviously good. Then you got Kevin Roberts. I mean I couldn’t get a read on a man on neon suit holding a big old cell phone claiming to be the coolest bitch in town. It just didn’t seem to fit a type.

Cecily: Ya, okay. This simulator is designed to see how you’ll react in the real world. And it’s not all bank robbers and girl scouts out there, okay? There’s people like Kevin Roberts. Head scratchers. Wild cards. And you don’t use your weapon just because somebody confuses you.

O’Heli: Again, that was my bad. In my defense, I’m pretty confident that type of man does not exist in society. I mean it looks like he came out of 1980s computer game.

Cecily: [sarcastically] Yeah, thanks O’Heli. We value your feedback. Let’s get back to it.

[The bell rings] [A dummy appears. She has a shotgun and she is yelling] [O’Heli shoots at her.] [Another dummy appears. She is just a normal looking girl.]

Dummy: Oh, no! I left my backpack on the school bus.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot her]

Cecily: Um, there you go. Good control, O’Heli.

[The same dummy on an orange suit appears with the same telephone]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I got a very important question. Can a bitch get a doughnut? Now let’s dance. [music playing and the dummy is dancing] See you on a flip side.

Pete: Yo, did that guy just say, “Can a bitch get a doughnut?”

O’Heli: [looking confused] Who the hell designed this thing?

Cecily: Hey, keep your head in the game.

[Another dummy appears. He is wearing yellow suit.]

Dummy: Have you seen my friend Kevin Roberts? Coz I got the bitch a doughnut!

O’Heli: Why does Kevin Roberts have friends in the story line?

Cecily: Focus! Do not let it throw you!

[Another dummy appears. He’s wearing a black leather jacket.]

Dummy: I don’t mean any trouble.

[Dummy puts his hand inside his jacket pocket]

O’Heli: Oh, he’s reaching into his jacket. What’s he doing? What’s he got in there?

[The dummy in orange suit appears simultaneously]

Dummy in orange suit: Breaking news, Kevin Roberts just got his second base with a lady.

O’Heli: No! Go away Kevin Roberts.

[The dummy in black leather jacket shoots at O’Heli]

Dummy in leather jacket: Did pig!

Cecily: Wow! And now you’re dead. Not good, O’Heli.

O’Heli: Kevin Roberts got in my head. He said he got that second base and I was like, “Who would do that with Kevin Roberts?” Being a field agent means dealing with human puzzles like Kevin Roberts, maybe I belong behind a desk. Sorry I wasted the bureau’s time.

Cecily: Don’t apologize to me, O’Heli. You go apologize to the portrait of the man who dedicated his life to designing this simulator.

[Cut to a photograph of the man in orange suit. He is the Chief Designer of the simulator.] [The End]