Tag: First

First Warm Day of the Year Red Carpet Cold Open

Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner

Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang

Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.

Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?

Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.

Mikey: Hi there.

Jace: First, dish on this outfit.

Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.

Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?

Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.

Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.

Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.

Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.

Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?

James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.

Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?

Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.

Dana: Any new techniques this year?

James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]

Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?

James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.

Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?

Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.

Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?

Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.

Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]

Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?

Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?

Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.

Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?

Punkie: You do you?

Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.

Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.

Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]

Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.

Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.

Andrew: Hey there.

Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?

Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.

Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.

Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?

Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.

Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?

Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.

Mikey: I already donated.

Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.

Mikey: I’ve already done this before.

Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.

Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.

Kenan: Good to be back for another year.

Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?

Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.

Dana: Can we get a preview?

Kenan: Oh of course.

Sarah: Our pleasure.

Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.

Sarah: That is baloney.

Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.

Sarah: It is not even possible.

Kenan: So something like that.

Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?

Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?

Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?

Jace: Oh no.

[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]

Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.

Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-

Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.

Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Jose Suarez on His Goal to Be the First Latino-American President

Colin Jost

Jose Suarez… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Exit polls from this year’s midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez.

[Cheers and applause]

Jose Suarez: Thank you. Buenos noches, Colin. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Jose. So do you think of yourself as a Republican or a Democrat?

Jose Suarez: I’m, uh, just happy to be here, Colin. Everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? It’s fine. Everything is basically fine. And that’s going to be my campaign slogan. “Jose Suarez – everything is basically fine. So relax, okay? It’s fine.”

Colin Jost: Wow, well, that is a refreshing outlook.

Jose Suarez: Yes, exactly, Colin. What do people complain about anyway? “My gas is too expensive.” News flash ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost 100 miles to work every day, and her left leg didn’t work. She had to pull it.

Colin Jost: That doesn’t make any sense.

Jose Suarez: And inflation, Colin. Everybody complain inflation is so bad. The price of milk is too high. How about just don’t drink milk? Who’s even complaining about the price of milk? The babies? Do you drink milk, Colin?

Colin Jost: I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.

[Jose Suarez makes his disgusted face]

Jose Suarez: And the WiFi, Colin. Everybody complain, “Ooh, the WiFi, it’s too slow. The WiFi. My poor, little WiFi.”

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s a major complaint.

Jose Suarez: Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no WiFi. It was only “Why (Wi of Wi-Fi).” “W is it so hot?” “Why did the power go out?” “Why is the president taking all our stuff?” Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?

Colin Jost: Can we go back a second? You were born in Cuba? Well, then, you can’t run for president, right?

Jose Suarez: I don’t think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure they are, but let’s just talk about some of your positions. Like, what are your thoughts on Roe v. Wade?

Jose Suarez: Well, I say Roe (row) if you can, but if you don’t have a boat, you’re gonna have to wait (Wade). I’m just kidding, Colin. I’m just kidding. All I know is, if I am the president, every mother gonna get one chancleta.

Colin Jost: And what is a chancleta, Jose?

Jose Suarez: [mocking] “And what is a chancleta, Jose?” It’s a sandal, Colin.

Colin Jost: And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?

Jose Suarez: You never know. That’s the scary part. Sometimes they don’t even have to use it. They just show it, send a message, and then put it away. “What did you say to me? That’s what I thought.”

Colin Jost: Alright. Chancleta. I will remember that. My one year old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people?

Jose Suarez: That we should all be grateful, Colin. This is a great country and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are.

Colin Jost: That’s true. Although, it does seem like you’re kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country.

Jose Suarez: [showing his sandal] What did you say to me, Colin?

Colin Jost: [laughing] No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Jose Suarez: That’s what I thought.

Colin Jost: Jose Suarez, everyone.

Jose Suarez: Vote Jose! God bless Miami.

ESPNs First Take NBA

Molly Coram… Chloe

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Kendrick Perkins…. Kenan Thompson

Michael Rapaport… Natasha Lyonne

[Starts with four people on First Take set]

Molly: Welcome to first take ESPN home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Coram here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith

Stephen: Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, this right here, this is a good morning.

Molly: And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins.

Kendrick: Steve a day, I’m sorry brother but you wrong on this one. This is actually a great morning, okay? Historically, it goes this morning right here, and then the morning when Jesus came back, and then where we at right here is three. All right, let’s carry the hell on.

Molly: Glad we got that sorted. And also joining us is New York super fan and occasional guest, the always outspoken Michael Rapaport.

Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what up, my leagues? I make this quick because I got a long day ahead of me walking around my neighborhood, waving my arms like a frickin idiot and yelling in my phone. But listen, you guys are wrong, okay? God, you’re so frickin wrong, alright? Because it’s a frickin spectacular day. Don’t rangers are in the playoffs. The Yankees are in first place. And the Jets are undefeated because the season hasn’t started.

Kendrick: Oh, there’s a diss. You’re dissing now.

Molly: Guys, let’s remember, it’s 10 AM. Our audience of unemployed dads is just waking up. Okay? Four teams are left in the NBA playoffs and everyone is talking about Dallas vs. Golden State Luca Doncic. vs. Steph Curry. So who you got Doncic or Curry?

Stephen: Molly. I’ve thought about this question very deeply. I’ve consulted with my family, my friends and my doctor. And today, I must declare that I got Steph Curry because he’s the greatest shooter of all time. And he can, and Molly, I’ve personally seen him do this, shoot a ball from San Francisco into the first class seat on an airplane, and stay with me, six hours later the ball switches into a basket at Madison Square Garden.

Kendrick: Stephen, with all due respect, Steph Curry is the worst player to ever play the game of basketball. I made sure he scored 30 last game but my man Luca got a 40 piece, and then he pulled down eight biscuits and threw in some extra sauces. Okay, your man Steph is too short. The boy needs a ladder to comb his own hair.

Molly: Michael, you’re the tiebreaker. Steph or Luca?

Michael: Yo man. I’m not even watching the playoffs.

Molly: I thought you were a huge fan of basketball.

Michael: Yo, you’re freaking wrong about that. Look, I’m a fan of Knicks. And it’s not basketball. It is players playing in layups off the bottom of the frickin rim. It’s fans catching foul basketballs. It’s leaving the game 20 minutes early and twice as frickin angry. That’s the real NBA you frickin worms.

Kendrick: Come on. That ain’t real NBA.

Molly: Guys, guys, please calm down. We just got a noise complaint from the church across the street. Alright, let’s get back on track. Dallas is number two in the league scoring defense which brings us to our next big sports question, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Stephen: Molly, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make and my grandmother spent four months on a ventilator. That’s why we don’t attend city listening tour in Wienermobile. And today I can say without a doubt that a hot dog is a sandwich for that one forever, Amen.

Kendrick: No, no no. Steven A, somebody that go oops upside your head. A hot dog is a sandwich in the same way cereal is a soup.

Stephen: Oh, cereal is a soup. Cereal is a soup.

Kendrick: It’s not even close. Come on, now. Soup is only a soup because you got to cook it.

Michael: Oh, is that right? Oh, you got to cook soup, huh? Well, I got one boy that’s gonna knock the beard right off your frickin smug face. Because Gazpacho, oh! Oh, I guess somebody forgot the friggin cuisine of Spain, and that’s sports.

Kendrick: Hold on. Gazpacho ain’t no soup. That’s just a salsa that went to finish school. Let’s go.

Molly: Okay, guys, let’s take a break so our airport bar viewers can order another morning beer. When we come back, we’ll ask the sports question on everybody’s mind, does Bigfoot exist?

Kendrick: Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That stinky little freak walked into my house one time, and then I shave him down. And we went to the club.

Stephen: Oh come on.

Michael: Ay, invite me next time, alright?

Weekend Update First Amazon Union Formed Jen Psaki to Leave White House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jen Psaki at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Press Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join MSNBC. Damn she’s still at work and already has her next job lined up? That’s as crazy as some of the sketches on season 2 of “That Damn Michael Che”, this summer on HBO Max.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Workers at the Amazon warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. The union explains Amazon’s new slogan, “It’d be a real shame if something happened to your package.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men who eat meat more likely to be infertile” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. [Picture chages to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of “The Daily Wire” logo at left top corner.]

The conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they’ll spend $100 million to create children’s programming to counter woke media companies. Programs will include

Colin Jost: “Clifford the Big straight dog”, “Encanto but an English”, and “One Fish, Two Fish, that’s how many fish genders there are”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Escaped flamingo found 17 years later” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo Colin Jost7 years ago has been spotted in Texas, or and hear me out, flamingos look like of the flamingos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500 pound black bear living on a college campus. A black bear that, let’s face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears. [picture changes to polar bear and a panda]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tyler Perry at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Medea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex drives hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that in the past Michael Che0 years, pre diabetes and children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew breast milk blast.

ESPNs First Take

Molly Qerim… Chloe Fineman

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Michael Irvin… Kenan Thompson

Todd Levane… Will Forte

Martin Murphy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Molly Qerim, Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin in their show set]

Molly Qerim: Good morning. What’s going on, everyone? Welcome to “First Take”, ESPN’s home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Qerim, and here with me is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith: Molly! It is fantastic to be here! Absolutely fantastic!

Molly Qerim: And our newest cohost, a man who thought the show needed more passionate energy, Dallas Cowboys legend, Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Okay, Molly, Molly. Uh, Molly, Molly. Stephen A. right here. This– You– Stephen A., you wrong, brother! Okay? It is not fantastic to be here. It is a delicious privilege to put on this suit! You understand? To put on this $6000 tie clip, okay? The thickest one ever made. This is here. This–  What? This–  Whoo! This is special.

Molly Qerim: Okay, uh, want to remind you both that it’s 10 AM, okay? And we have 1 hour and 58 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s start with the Sunday playoff game in Tampa, where Tom Brady’s Buccaneers will take on the red hot LA Rams. Guys, the question everybody is asking, is Tom Brady an exceptional quarterback or very exceptional?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I stayed up all night wrestling with it. But today, there is no doubt that Tom Brady is an exceptional quarterback like the great Peyton Manning! And to say anything more would be blasphemy! Period!

Michael Irvin: Excuse me, Stephen A. Tom Brady is very exceptional. Okay? And Peyton Manning? Please! Tom Brady would beat Peyton Manning in a cakewalk. It’d be more than a cakewalk. It would be a cake run.

Stephen A. Smith: Ridiculous.

Michael Irvin: A cake swim and a cake road trip down Highway 95! No man has never, ever seen a cake travel so quickly, period.

Molly Qerim: Okay, guys, people are still letting their coffee kick in, and you already sound like you’ve been hit by a bulldozer of cocaine.

Michael Irvin: Hey. Don’t threaten me with a good time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Molly Qerim: Okay. To settle this, let’s go to Todd Levane from the fan site Sports Horse. Todd, is Tom Brady exceptional or very exceptional?

Todd Levane: Okay, first of all, everybody, thanks for mounting the Sports Horse. Hold on tight ’cause this bronco bucks. [horse neighs] Okay, Michael, I know you played in the NFL for twelve years. You’re a hall of famer. I just started a website. But you know nothing about football! Thomas Edward Patrick Brady is not exceptional! He’s not very exceptional! He’s clearly very, very exceptional!

Michael Irvin: What? Oh, no, he did not. No, he didn’t.

Todd Levane: Tom Brady plays like he’s always got a chip on his shoulder and his back against the wall, and that’s why he is the supreme dominator of men! He eats planets! And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Okay. Love that passion. But, guys, people have the show on in the background while folding laundry, and you’re scaring them and waking up the baby. Alright, so, let’s talk about it. Does Tom Brady play like his back is against the wall or like there’s a chip on his shoulder?

Stephen A. Smith: Molly, I’ve thought a lot about this question. A lot. I meditated on it. Then I took a monthlong sabbatical! I ate, I prayed, I loved! And then I came back with an answer. And it is indisputable that Tom Brady plays with a chip on his shoulder because when the chips are down, you still got a chip right by your face!

Molly Qerim: Well, to put this in perspective, the Sports Bureau is saying that–

Michael Irvin: M-M-M-Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly. Uh, okay, you the glue, okay, that keeps this show together, but, uh, please shut up. Because I got to scream. Stephen A.! I am not going to sit here and listen to your nonsense! I am going to stand and listen to it while I breathe heavy like a video game character on pause.

Stephen A. Smith: Well, go ahead. All I’m saying…. All I’m saying–

Michael Irvin: Stephen! No! You have offended me as a man. As a father, as a brother, and as a nephew.

Stephen A. Smith: Good.

Michael Irvin: Tom Brady must put his play,  put his– He got to play with his back on the wall! You understand me? That’s open, shut, and locked!

Todd Levane: Yeah, lock it up, Michael! Lock it up and bury it a mile deep in the sea, deep in Davy Jones’ locker, where darkness goes to die! You best start believing in the Sports Horse, Mr. Irvin, ’cause you’re in one! [horse neighs]

Michael Irvin: Thank you, thank you. But Tom Brady has given us more years of quality entertainment than Frank Sinatra himself.

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, my God!

Michael Irvin: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Stephen A. Smith: Come on! You’re bringing up Frank Sinatra? That is clearly an apples and oranges comparison!

Molly Qerim: Well, and that’s our next big sports question. Guys, apples or oranges?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve thought about this question my entire life! I recently had a long heroic battle with COVID. Almost died! I went to the light and I looked at the face of God, and I asked him this very question. Molly, it’s apples.

Michael Irvin: I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen A. With all due respect, god is wrong. Okay? God does not have this here Super Bowl ring on his finger, so he don’t know the magnificent glory of oranges, alright? Like they say, in America, “It’s as American as orange pie.”

Todd Levane: Oh, please! You’re asking the wrong question! It’s not apples and oranges! It’s asparagus and nickels! End of discussion! Don’t poke the horse! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Well, I am glad we settled that. Still an hour and 55 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll switch gears and talk to the head of NFL’s new anti-bullying charity, time out for kids, Martin Murphy.

Martin Murphy: Hey, guys, thanks. Delighted to be here. And it’s apples. And anyone who disagrees is a disgusting loser and a moron!

First Date Exes

Sharon… Issa Rae

Dwayne… Chris Redd

Clifford… Kenan Thompson

Karate man… Pete Davidson

Robot… Bowen Yang

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Sharon: I guess the waiter forgot to give us menus.

Dwayne: Oh, no. The menu’s on the barcode thing. You just go and take a picture of it and it pops on your phone.

Sharon: Oh. That’s convenient.

Dwayne: Right? I take you haven’t been out on any dates since COVID?

Sharon: Not really. But then, I didn’t really date much before COVID either.

Dwayne: Really? That’s surprising.

Sharon: Yes. I don’t have the best luck with guys. They all end up crazy.

Dwayne: Oh. So, what’s your type?

Sharon: Not you.

Dwayne: Damn!

Sharon: No, no. I didn’t mean it like that. That came out wrong. I meant I don’t usually date guys who take me to fancy places like this. This is really nice.

Dwayne: Oh. Well, I’m happy I could show you something different.

Sharon: Me too.

Dwayne: You know, what’s really good is this crab ravioli. It comes in this cream, right.

[a guy walks in with a roses in his hand. He looks poor.]

Clifford: Sharon?

Sharon: Oh, god.

Clifford: Sharon, that is you, girl.

Sharon: Hey, Clifford.

Clifford: You are looking good. Um. Um. Um. I see you. Got them yams all out. Um-hmm. Toes looking all pretty. Titty meat popping out.

Sharon: Clifford, I’m kind of busy right now.

Clifford: Oh, oh, my bad. I don’t mean to intrude.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Clifford: Okay, okay. Live your life, girl. Live your life. But it is good to see you. Here you go. Um, um, um. [Clifford pours wine on Sharon’s glass] The one that got away.

Sharon: Good bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Oh. Alright. Ay, bro, she is the woman, alright? Don’t mess it up like I did.

Dwayne: Okay.

Clifford: [handing over the rose] Hey, you want to buy this flower?

[Dwayne is reaching over to his wallet]

Sharon: You don’t have to do that. Bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Why you hating on my business? Okay, fine.

Sharon: I am so sorry about that.

Dwayne: No, it’s cool. You know him or something?

Sharon: Yeah, we sort of kind of dated for a while.

Dwayne: Like, when ya’ll were kids?

Sharon: No. We used to work together. Anyway, so the ravioli in the cream sauce?

Dwayne: The what now?

Sharon: The crab ravioli.

Dwayne: Oh, yes.

[a guys wearing a karate gee walks in shouting]

Karate man: I will burn this whole place to the ground. [looks at Sharon] Sharon? You girl?

Sharon: You gotta be kidding. Hey, karate man.

Dwayne: Karate man?

Karate man: Konichiwa, girl. Look at you. Legs all out like pa-dow! Titty meat like Ka-ram!

Dwayne: Yo, my man.

Karate man: Karate man.

Dwayne: Okay, karate man. Do you mind? We on a date right now.

Karate man: A date? So, that’s how you living now, Sharon?

Sharon: Karate man, what do you want from me? You said you wanted your space so I gave it to you.

Karate man: You right, you right. But losing you is my only regret.

Dwayne: You only have one regret?

Karate man: Anyway, I’ll go. I don’t mean to ruin your feng shui.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Karate man: Take care of her, man. [whispering] She likes her butt slapped.

Sharon: I am so sorry. Wow. Two exes on a row. What are the odds?

Dwayne: And he broke up with you?

Sharon: I wish. He just ghosted me. Maybe we should just go inside?

Dwayne: We can’t. They’re like, 2% capacity. Where are you meeting these dudes?

Sharon: Oh. Work, mostly. Look, I don’t want to talk about them. Tell me about you. What do you do?

Dwayne: Well, I just made partner at the law firm I work at. First person.

[Another guy who is fully painted like a statue walks in]

Robot: Is that Sharon?

Sharon: Don’t look.

Dwayne: That’s another one?

Robot: That is Sharon. I see you tryna’ hide from me, girl, acting like that. I’d recognize that titty meat anywhere.

Sharon: Oh, hey, Robot. It’s been a while.

Robot: Remember my dog, Astro? I see you got a little chocolate daddy now, too. I ain’t mad at you, girl.

Dwayne: What the hell did he call me?

Robot: Look, I ain’t got time to flap gums. I’m late for a protest. They’re trying to close down the peep world on 8th avenue. Hey, you using them dinner rolls? I need some carbs.

Sharon: Just take them, Robot.

Robot: Well, I’ll see you around, sugar foot

Dwayne: Okay, tell me you didn’t date him too.

Sharon: No. He was just a work friend. But we’ve had a lot of sex.

Dwayne: Ew. Where the hell do you work?

Sharon: Just around the corner. I told you. I’m an Elsa.

Dwayne: An Elsa?

Sharon: Yes. I’m a Time Square Elsa. First woman of color, by the way.

Dwayne: Okay, you definitely never told me that.

Sharon: Remember? I said I was a princess?

Dwayne: I thought you just meant your dad was rich.

Sharon: Look, I’m sorry if this is all too weird. Maybe I should just leave.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Wait. Look, I’m not going to judge you based off your past. Let’s just forget all that and start over. Deal?

[a very unhygienic looking woman walks in]

Crystal: Dwayne? Is that you, Dwayne?

Dwayne: Oh, hey, Crystal.

Crystal: Who is this bitch?

Dwayne: Are you drunk?

First Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a re-broadcast of Tuesday’s presidential debate. Even though Tuesday feels like Chris Wallace00 days ago, we though it was important to see it again since it might be the only presidential debate. And it was pretty fun to watch as long as you don’t live in America.

[Cut to Presidential Debate video bumper, Cleveland, OH.]

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. I am your moderator Chris Wallace, and I think I’m going to do a really, really good job tonight. First, I want to lay out the rules which both parties agreed to in advance. Each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted–

Donald Trump: Boring!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I haven’t even introduced the candidates yet.

Donald Trump: Tell that to my Adderall, Chris. Now, let’s get this show on the road and off the rails.

Chris Wallace: And you did take the COVID test, you promised to take in advance, correct?

[Donald Trump has his fingers crossed.]

Donald Trump: Absolutely. [looks at his fingers crossed] Scout’s honor.

Chris Wallace: President Trump has already introduced himself. So, let’s now welcome the democratic candidate–

Donald Trump: Boo. Here comes the booing.

Chris Wallace: Former vice-president of the United States–

Donald Trump: Allegedly.

Chris Wallace: And senator from Delaware–

Donald Trump: Not even a real state.

Chris Wallace: Joe Biden.

[Joe Biden walks in. He is wearing aviators sunglasses.]

Mr. Vice President.

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Just one second, Chris.

[Joe Biden pulls out a measuring tape. He measures the distance from Donald Trump’s podium to his podium. He then moves his podium a bit further away from Donald Trump.]

Okay.

Chris Wallace: It looks like you’re ready to debate, Joe.

Joe Biden: Absolutely not. [takes his sunglasses of] But I’ve got the beginning of Kamala Harris6 fantastic ideas I may or may not have access to. Now, let’s do this. I’m holding my bladder. Let’s get at her.

Chris Wallace: Tonight, we’ll be discussing six major topics none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow. We begin with the supreme court. President Trump, two minutes.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna do Chris Wallace0. I’d like to begin with a list of complaints. People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean. Chris Wallace is mean. The economy is mean. It keeps losing jobs which is mean to me. The China virus has been very mean to me and being a hoax. And that statement is something that I will– It will probably come back to haunt me later this week.

Chris Wallace: And what about the question I asked you about the supreme court?

Donald Trump: I think I already answered that question, Chris. We’re very excited about our nominee, Amy Christina Barcelona. And it was so nice to welcome her in the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, same question. You have two minutes.

Joe Biden: Thank you, Chris. Now, look. Here’s the deal.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not.

Joe Biden: Excuse me. Please, could you just–

Donald Trump: No. Whatever you’re going to say, no.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, please let him speak. He let you speak. Now, let him speak.

Donald Trump: But he is lying. I can’t point out if he says a lie?

Joe Biden: I said two words, you son of a– No, don’t do it, Joe. It’s exactly what he wants. Don’t let your inner whitie vulture come out. Just splash them all the smile they taught you in anger management. [smiles]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider adding additional justices to the supreme court?

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] He won’t even answer.

Chris Wallace: I just asked the question!

Donald Trump: And he won’t even answer it.

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Just like he won’t answer about his son Hunter and Burisma, and the mayor of Moscow, and Obama was spying on me, and he emailed Benghazi.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, you’re just listing terms you heard on FOX News. It sounds like you’re saying the names of characters from season Kamala Harris of a show that no one has watched.

Donald Trump: Sheriff of Portland.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, here’s the deal–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Can I respond to that, Chris?

Joe Biden: Would you just shut up, man? No, Joe, no. Don’t lose control. It’s what he’s hoping for. Okay. Where was I?

Chris Wallace: You said, “Look, here’s the deal.”

[Joe Biden blows a paper bag and bursts it.]

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, here’s the deal. [Joe Biden waits to see if Donald Trump interrupts him again. Donald Trump doesn’t.] No, lost it. Come back to me. I’ll find it. It’s up here somewhere.

Donald Trump: Chris, can I say one thing? Am I allowed to say one thing?

Chris Wallace: Yes, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What we need in this country is law and order. When someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences. No exceptions.

Chris Wallace: Okay, what about your taxes?

Donald Trump: There have to be exceptions, Chris. The terms law and order, they are very vague terms. And rules are meant to be broken. It’s the same with masks. I’ve got mine right here in my pocket. [Donald Trump pulls out a pink panties] Okay, it’s right here. But you don’t need a mask all the time. It’s like a seatbelt. You wear when you’re backing out of the driveway, then you can take it off. But Joe wears the biggest mask you’ve ever seen. He’s always standing Donald Trump00 feet away from people.

Joe Biden: Look, man. I’m a nice guy. But if you give me any more guff tonight, I’ll rip your face off like a mad chimp. I’ll knock that thing up your head and burn it, bury it in the pit cemetery where it came from. Stop it, Joe. Stop it. God, you can’t lose your cool just coz this joker’s raising little monkey dust. The country is counting on you. You just stand here and look lucent. I know it. I know what will calm me down. My new Harry Styles meditation tape.

[Joe Biden puts in an air pod in his right ear. Harry styles appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Harry Styles: We dip our toes in the cold wet sand.

Joe Biden: Nice.

Harry Styles: And sit and face the sea.

Joe Biden: Cleansing.

Harry Styles: We’ll let the waves wash over us. Alone, just you and me.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Donald Trump: I think maybe I should listen to my meditation tape as well.

[Donald Trump puts in an air pod in his right ear. Melania Trump giving speech appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Melania Trump: [yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and voters, for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best is yet to come. [screaming]

Chris Wallace: Alright, alright, can we please have a civilized dialog? Debates are a hime honored tradition and the bedrock of the American democracy.

Donald Trump: Gay!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I’ll do absolutely nothing about it?

Donald Trump: Okay, okay, I’ll be quiet.

Joe Biden: I don’t want to be dictated to, and I’m not gonna be distracted anymore by this clown tonight, okay? I’m definitely gonna concentrate. I’m gonna try to keep my cool. [a red-dot laser is targeting at Joe Biden.]

What is that? Where is that coming from?

[Donald Trump is holding a small laser pointer. It is him pointing the laser at Joe Biden. Joe Biden is scared for his life.]

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s not. It’s not a laser pointer. It’s a wand that cures the COVID.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Boys, boys, boys, boys. [cheers and applause] Both of you, this stops right now. Alright? You look at me, Donald, you do not treat my Joe like that, alright? He’s a nice boy.

Joe Biden: Kamala, I got this.

Kamala Harris: Uh-uh, Joe. Let Mamala go to work. Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe.

Donald Trump: He started it.

Kamala Harris: Hey! Hey! I don’t care who started it. Alright? I don’t even care who sharted it. Now, you apologize to Joe, now.

Donald Trump: Sorry.

Kamala Harris: I’m sorry. What’s that?

Donald Trump: I said sorry.

Kamala Harris: You know, look, I think if there’s one thing we learn tonight, it’s that America needs a WAP. Women as president. [cheers and applause] But for now, I’ll settle for HVPIC. Hot Vice President In Charge. So, why don’t the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with some dignity? And when you’re done, I’ve got you boys some PB and Jane apple slices waiting for you back stage.

Joe Biden: Yummy!

Chris Wallace: Thank you, Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am not done with you, Chris. You will see me in my office after debate.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden: Ooh!

Chris Wallace: And finally, just to ensure this is the worst presidential debate in history, I’d like to close with white supremacy.

Donald Trump: Oh, baby, come to papa.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I’ll ask you directly. Do you condemn white supremacists?

Donald Trump: Condemn them? I don’t know any. I mean, who are you even talking about? The proud boys? The white boot? The eugenics eagles? I didn’t even know any of these groups. I certainly wouldn’t even know how to signal them if I tried.

Joe Biden: America, are you listening to this? The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.

[Donald Trump is blowing a whistle]

Donald Trump: I don’t think this thing is working. I don’t hear anything.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your closing statement.

Joe Biden: Well–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] That is so unfair. Why don’t I get to make a closing statement first? After all, I am the pres– [Donald Trump stops moving (pauses). Joe Biden is holding a remote and smiling.]

Joe Biden: Sorry, but I think we all needed a break. Isn’t that satisfying? [takes a deep breath] Just not to hear his voice for a single god damn second. Let’s wallow in it. Let’s bask in the Trumplessness. Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?

Chris Wallace: Is it gonna be weird?

Joe Biden: Totally. Totally weird. [music playing in the background] America, look at me. Look directly into my eyeballs. You can trust me, because I believe in science and karma. Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be. [looks at Donald Trump] I’m not saying I want it to happen. But just imagine if it did. So, this November, please get on the Biden train which is literally a commuter train to Delaware. And we can all make America not actively on fire again. Okay, now I’m unpausing.

[Joe Biden presses the play button]

Donald Trump: Antifa!

Joe Biden: No! [presses the pause button again. Donald Trump stops moving again.] Can’t do it. Gonna leave him on pause. And one more thing.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

 

Will Ferrell First Time Monologue

Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Farrell.

[Will Farrell walks in and to the stage. His forehead is bleeding.]

[cheers and applause]

Will Farrell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my god. Hello. Oh, wow! Look at this. My name is Will Farrell. Yes, I can’t believe this is happening. I have dreamt of standing on this stage my whole life. I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional. I mean, me, Will Farrell? On Saturday Night Live? What? Wow! It’s been a wile week. Monday, I met with the writers. Wednesday was the table read. And just now, I while I was doing my quick change back there, I hit my head on a steel beam so hard, I heard a crack. And then a whoosh of wind. And after that, I can’t remember a thing. Except that I was going to sing.

[music playing]

[singing] I think I’m gonna like it here
used two room, and a tomb
where I’d sit and freeze
get me now, holy cow
won’t someone pinch me please?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

I wanna see everything. What do you say we go on a tour around the studio? Do you want to? Do you want to ? [cheers]  Come on! Let’s go. [Will Farrell jumps off the stage] I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m suddenly very tired. I can’t walk. I can’t see either. Why is my head wet?

[Will Farrell walks to the audience.]

Sir, how are you? [while Will Farrell touches the audience, he rubs all his head’s blood on him.] That’s great. I need to sit.

[Will Farrell pushes the audience away and takes his seat]

[singing] Used two room, in a room

where I room the room
do you know, party dough,
hiddy ho, where you are?

[Will Farrell sleeps for a second and wakes up]

Is the show over? How were the reviews? What did vulture.com say? Huh? Tell me. Someone tell me.

[singing] You’re gonna like the way you look
I guarantee it.

Female Audience: Dude, you need to go to the hospital.

Will Farrell: [pointing at her] Lorne Michaels, everyone. The rudest man in show business. You know you are. Now, someone wrestle me.

[Kenan Thompson and Cecily Strong walk in to take him to the stage]

The two of you?

Kenan: Okay. Okay. No, no, no.

Cecily: It’s alright.

Kenan: Let’s just go up there.

[They reach the stage]

Will Farrell: Oh, oh. Is it time to introduce the musical guest? Right. Ladies and gentlemen, Match Box 20.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Kenan: No.

Cecily: Finish the monologue

Will Farrell: You guys do too many song monologues, you know what?

Cecily: We know.

Kenan: That we know. Okay. Come on.

[they receive a hospital bed]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] We have but one request

[Will Farrell lays on the bed]

Please put us to the rest

we think you’re gonna like it here.

Will Farrell: [laying on the bed] We’ve got a great show. Chris Stapleton is here.

Kenan: Yeah.

Will Farrell: And Nelly Furtado.

Kenan: No.

Will Farrell: So stick around. We’ll be right back.