Weekend Update- Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of the Trump Administration

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Each week brings a new controversy of President Trump as well as another person who has to defend him to the media. Here to sort them out is Pete Davidson with his First Impressions.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What up? Look, um, defending president Trump is really tough job. [Cut to Pete Davidson] A couple of weeks ago they brought out this guy. [There’s a picture of Steven Millar at right top corner.] Trump spokesman and Janes Bond villain Steve Miller. Poor Steve. He tries to project strength but he looks like Fredo Corleone had been even sicker as a child. Still, you have to give him credit. He’s made it pretty far for guy who is in high school voted “Most likely to have a cigar box full of missing girl’s driver’s licenses.” He lasted about a week. Then they got to deputy White House press secretary, [Picture changes to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is one of those sweet southern girl you marry, if you’re gay. I like that one. [Michael Che laughing] So now, members of congress try to defend Trump, like the head of the house committee on oversight, [Picture changes to Jason Chaffetz] Jason Chaffetz. You probably remember him when he played simple Jack from the movie “Tropic Thunder.” [Picture changes to Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder] [Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan who got to be the house after someone waved a magic wand over a ventriloquist dummy. All the republicans wanted Paul Ryan to come up with something to replace Obamacare. And now he did, everybody hates it. And I know what this is like, because for years, people have been asking me to quit drugs and get sober. And now that I have, everyone thinks I’m very unfunny and boring. [Michael Che laughing] And hey, at least I have dreams now. And I’ve started waking up with boners again.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. [looking at Michael Che] Hard as a rock.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Pete Davidson: But now– [Michael Che laughing hard] Well, maybe not as great as your’s, but whatever. Sorry. But, you know– [Michael Che laughing hard] Sorry. But no one defends Trump better than FOX News. And it starts every morning with “FOX & Friends.” This is Donald Trump’s favorite show because they trade in for a new blond every two years. This year’s model is Ainsley Earhardt, who looks like she’s with her dad’s friends who keep talking about how much she’s grown.

[Picture changes to Sean Hannity]

Of course, the king of Trump supporters if Sean Hannity. He looks like a thumb which explains why he’s so far up Trump’s ass. [cheers and applause] I hate him too. I guess he likes Trump, because his hair is also really weird. And the top of his head looks like two eyebrows got to live their dream of being hair.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Ah! So that’s what it is. Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I’m getting boners again.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson’s First Impressions

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: All this week confirmation hearings are taking place for Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees. Here to quickly sort them out with a segment called ‘First Impressions’, is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Che. How are you? Alright. So, Donald Trump has made about 20 different picks for his cabinet. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And democrats don’t like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America was like, “Come on, Mitt Romney!” Look, I don’t know everything about politics, or anything for that matter. But I’m a pretty good judge of people based on my first impressions. So, here we go.

[There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at right top corner.]

For Attorney General, Trump picked Alabama senator Jeff Sessions. A man who looks like Dobbie from ‘Harry Potter’, wished to be a real boy.

[Picture changes to Steven Mnuchin]

Next, we got the nominee for Treasury. Metrosexual Apple genius bar worker, Steven Mnuchin. He’s a Goldman Sachs guy worth over $1 billion. A long time ago, he was like, “When I’ll have $1 billion, women will have sex with me.” Now he’s like, “Maybe a trillion.”

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

Next is Trump’s nominee for housing and urban development Ben Carson. Trump thinks Carson should be in charge of housing because he lived in the projects as a child. Really? If you’re an expert on wherever you were born, does that mean I can be secretary of the Honda Civic? Sorry mom.

[Picture changes to Wilber Ross]

For secretary of commerce, the pick is Wilber Ross. I’ve heard this guy’s a billionaire investor. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him sitting on Jeff Dunham’s lap. [Picture changes to Jeff Dunham and his puppet.] i knew I recognized him.

[Picture changes to Andrew Puzder]

Trump’s pick for secretary of labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you ever wondered what Michael Fassbender would look like if he played Lex Luthor, wonder no more. Puzder was the CEO of Hardy’s and now he’s gonna be in charge of all the workers in America. You know how I know that’s a bad idea? Coz it’s the first time I’ve heard of the word Hardy’s in 15 years.

[Picture changes to Eric Trump]

And then there’s Eric Trump. This guy is not in Trump’s cabinet but I couldn’t resist. His hair says 1985 but his face screams, “Put the lotion in the basket!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions, everybody.

Pete Davidson: Put the lotion in the basket!