Aziz Ansari
Pedros… Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with Aziz waiting for his Uber driver whose rating is 3.9.]Aziz: How does a guy not even have four stars? I wonder what my rating is.
[Aziz looks at his rating. His rating is also 3.9.]How the [bleep] an I 3.9? Um, I guess I do make the drivers wait a lot.
[Cut to Pedros, the Uber driver]Pedros: [looking at the Uber app] 3.9 stars? What? Is he psycho? I wonder what my rating is. [Pedros looks at his rating] 3,9? Well, I did hit that kid, so.
[Cut to Aziz walking]Aziz: Okay, I gotta get my rating up to at least four. I’m gonna need a five star review.
[Cut to Pedros in his car]Pedros: Five star ride. You can do this, Pedros.
[Cut to Aziz riding Pedros’s Uber]Aziz thinking: Okay, let’s try to form a connection. Ask him something original. Thoughtful. Something no one else would ask.
Aziz: So, how long have you been driving for Uber?
Aziz thinking: Nailed it.
Pedros: Good question. I’ve been driving about six months.
Aziz: Cool!
Pedros thinking: Now you ask him a question. Something very pleasant, non-confrontational.
Pedros: What religion are you?
Pedros thinking: Dammit!
Aziz: I’m not really that religious.
Pedros: I put down some music?
Aziz: Sure.
Pedros thinking: What would he like?
[Pedros plays sitar music]Aziz thinking: Oh, god! Is this what he thinks I like?
Pedros: Hah?
Aziz: Yeah. I love this style of music.
Pedros: [singing] Do-ti-do-ti. Or I can put on something else.
Aziz thinking: Alright, think. What would he like to hear?
Aziz: What about some Russian trance music?
[Pedros plays a trance music]Aziz thinking: Am I a racist for thinking this is a music he likes?
Pedros thinking: I do like Russian trance music. You can do this, Pedros. Five star ride. Use the mints.
Pedros: You want mint?
Aziz: Um, sure.
[Pedros is looking for the mint at the compartment but takes a lot of time to find one.]Pedros: And mint! [passing a pack of mint to Aziz]
Aziz: Oh, great!
Aziz thinking: [looking at the mint’s company] Mouth help? Are these off-brand Russian mints? Just take the mint.
[when Aziz opens the pack of mint, it’s all disgusting inside]Aziz: It’s moist.
[Aziz puts one on mouth anyway] [pointing outside] Oh, man! Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?Pedros: What? No way!
[as Pedros looks away, Aziz spits the mint out]Aziz: It’s a really good mint. Thanks man.
Aziz thinking: He totally saw that. He’s freaking out. Think! You need to get this five star rating.
[as Pedros is driving, Aziz starts massaging Pedros’s back]Aziz: How’s that? Little shoulder massage. You look little tensed.
Pedros: No, it’s okay. That’s nice. Ah, man! Oh!
Pedros thinking: You also should touch him.
[Pedros pulls up Aziz’s leg]Pedros: Here we go. Is it okay?
Aziz: Yeah, sure. Yeah.
Pedros: And oopsie-bootsie. [Pedros pulls the shoe out of Aziz’s feet] [Aziz is massaging Pedros’s back and Pedros is massaging Aziz’s fet]
Aziz: It’s nice.
Pedros: It’s good. Yeah, it’s all about pressure points.
[horn honking]What the [bleep]. Get out of the way!
Aziz: Wow!
Pedros: [sigh] What are we even doing? This all horse and pony show to impress each other.
Aziz: It is these ratings. It’s driving me crazy.
Pedros: It’s like this episode of black mirror or something.
Aziz: Oh, man. You watch black mirror too?
Pedros: Yeah.
Aziz and Pedros: That’s like my favorite show.
Aziz: The best episode was …
Aziz and Pedros: Sangino Paro.
Aziz: What?
Pedros: It’s about to go! Ha-ha-ha.
Aziz: Um, well this is me.
Pedros: Yeah.
[Pedros pulls over]Hey, five stars.
Aziz: Right back at you, brother. Have a good one, Pedros.
Pedros: Adios, cowboy.
[Pedros drives forward and runs over Aziz. He then runs away.]