Five Stars

Aziz Ansari

Pedros… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Aziz waiting for his Uber driver whose rating is 3.9.]

Aziz: How does a guy not even have four stars? I wonder what my rating is.

[Aziz looks at his rating. His rating is also 3.9.]

How the [bleep] an I 3.9? Um, I guess I do make the drivers wait a lot.

[Cut to Pedros, the Uber driver]

Pedros: [looking at the Uber app] 3.9 stars? What? Is he psycho? I wonder what my rating is. [Pedros looks at his rating] 3,9? Well, I did hit that kid, so.

[Cut to Aziz walking]

Aziz: Okay, I gotta get my rating up to at least four. I’m gonna need a five star review.

[Cut to Pedros in his car]

Pedros: Five star ride. You can do this, Pedros.

[Cut to Aziz riding Pedros’s Uber]

Aziz thinking: Okay, let’s try to form a connection. Ask him something original. Thoughtful. Something no one else would ask.

Aziz: So, how long have you been driving for Uber?

Aziz thinking: Nailed it.

Pedros: Good question. I’ve been driving about six months.

Aziz: Cool!

Pedros thinking: Now you ask him a question. Something very pleasant, non-confrontational.

Pedros: What religion are you?

Pedros thinking: Dammit!

Aziz: I’m not really that religious.

Pedros: I put down some music?

Aziz: Sure.

Pedros thinking: What would he like?

[Pedros plays sitar music]

Aziz thinking: Oh, god! Is this what he thinks I like?

Pedros: Hah?

Aziz: Yeah. I love this style of music.

Pedros: [singing] Do-ti-do-ti. Or I can put on something else.

Aziz thinking: Alright, think. What would he like to hear?

Aziz: What about some Russian trance music?

[Pedros plays a trance music]

Aziz thinking: Am I a racist for thinking this is a music he likes?

Pedros thinking: I do like Russian trance music. You can do this, Pedros. Five star ride. Use the mints.

Pedros: You want mint?

Aziz: Um, sure.

[Pedros is looking for the mint at the compartment but takes a lot of time to find one.]

Pedros: And mint! [passing a pack of mint to Aziz]

Aziz: Oh, great!

Aziz thinking: [looking at the mint’s company] Mouth help? Are these off-brand Russian mints? Just take the mint.

[when Aziz opens the pack of mint, it’s all disgusting inside]

Aziz: It’s moist.

[Aziz puts one on mouth anyway] [pointing outside] Oh, man! Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Pedros: What? No way!

[as Pedros looks away, Aziz spits the mint out]

Aziz: It’s a really good mint. Thanks man.

Aziz thinking: He totally saw that. He’s freaking out. Think! You need to get this five star rating.

[as Pedros is driving, Aziz starts massaging Pedros’s back]

Aziz: How’s that? Little shoulder massage. You look little tensed.

Pedros: No, it’s okay. That’s nice. Ah, man! Oh!

Pedros thinking: You also should touch him.

[Pedros pulls up Aziz’s leg]

Pedros: Here we go. Is it okay?

Aziz: Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Pedros: And oopsie-bootsie. [Pedros pulls the shoe out of Aziz’s feet] [Aziz is massaging Pedros’s back and Pedros is massaging Aziz’s fet]

Aziz: It’s nice.

Pedros: It’s good. Yeah, it’s all about pressure points.

[horn honking]

What the [bleep]. Get out of the way!

Aziz: Wow!

Pedros: [sigh] What are we even doing? This all horse and pony show to impress each other.

Aziz: It is these ratings. It’s driving me crazy.

Pedros: It’s like this episode of black mirror or something.

Aziz: Oh, man. You watch black mirror too?

Pedros: Yeah.

Aziz and Pedros: That’s like my favorite show.

Aziz: The best episode was …

Aziz and Pedros: Sangino Paro.

Aziz: What?

Pedros: It’s about to go! Ha-ha-ha.

Aziz: Um, well this is me.

Pedros: Yeah.

[Pedros pulls over]

Hey, five stars.

Aziz: Right back at you, brother. Have a good one, Pedros.

Pedros: Adios, cowboy.

[Pedros drives forward and runs over Aziz. He then runs away.]