Forceington’s Ridge

Alexia… Cecily Strong

Bowen Yang

Sandrine… Keke Palmer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the soap channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forceington’s Ridge.

[Cut to the show. Alexia is hosting a party.]

Alexia: Everyone, I hope you’re all enjoying the champagne. It’s made right here at Forceington Vineyards. And if you’re lucky, I’ll give you the recipe.

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh Alexia, your drugs like you’re brave hairdos always worth.

Alexia: Someone’s trying to butter me up before I judge the Polo horse race contest this afternoon.

Bowen: Oh, Alexia, I don’t need luck. My horse is huge. Really big.

Alexia: Is it now? But then I guess it’s my job as the judge to be the judge of that big horse. Now please, everyone make your way to the garden for some key napes. Am I saying that right?

Bowen: Lead the way my dear.

Alexia: No, I think I’ll hang back a moment. I need to adjust my breasts in this big mirror.

[All the guests walk to the garden while Alexia is looking at herself on the mirror.]

There, perfect.

[Sandrine stands behind Alexia]

Sandrine: Hello, Alexia.

Alexia: Well, well, well, Sandrine St. Cassettape. You waited for my mirror shot?

Sandrine: Well with your vanity and wandering breasts, I knew just where to find you.

Alexia: I didn’t realize you had an invite.

Sandrine: Maybe you forgot to send it like you didn’t forget not to felicitate my husband ever did.

Alexia: Well, you said that wrong, but I did do it and I’ll do it again today.

Sandrine: Better you than me darling. My mouth is exit only.

Alexia: What are you doing here in my home?

Sandrine: Oh? Your home? You didn’t hear? I found out about your secret floor culture and I thought I could use some place to go to the bathroom when I have guests over.

Alexia: You bitch.

Sandrine: Takes one to be one.

[Alexia slaps Sandrine]

You’re gonna regret that.

[Alexia and Sandrine starts fighting]

[Suddenly they start fighting like pro athletes. They’re wearing knee pads and safety gears.]

Sandrine: Is that all you got, darling?

Alexia: Let me show you how I really feel. You almost smeared my lipstick.

Sandrine: Yes. What is that shade calls anyway? Desperate hag?

Alexia: When I get over there, I’m gonna…

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Alexia carries Sandrine on her shoulders]

Sandrine: Let me down.

Alexia: With pleasure. [Throws Sandrine on the table and breaks it] Right over there.

Sandrine: Oh, that almost hurt.

Alexia: How’d you like it when your face hit my table?

Sandrine: It’s my my table now, remember? So I loved it as much as you’re going to love the taste of my fist.

[They starting fighting like pros again]

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Alexia, Sandrine, oh my god. I certainly hope this violence that about who’s feliciating me? By the way, tick tock.

Sandrine: No, darling. This is about something much, much bigger.

Bowen: Okay, I feel like that’s a dig at me. You two have been friends for 50 years.

Alexia: No. 15. 15.

Bowen: Yeah, sure.

Sandrine: But he’s right. You know, this is no way for two friends to behave.

Alexia: Friends? We’re not friends.

Sandrine: Business partners then?

Alexia: Business partners?

Sandrine: With my financial acumen and your champagne recipe, we’ll be unstoppable.

Alexia: Well that might be the best idea I’ve heard all day. Shall we talk through the details over lunch?

Sandrine: Yes, lunch.

[they walk to the garden]

Oh, Blaige, Storm, are you coming?

[Blaige and Storm are the two women who are dressed like Alexia and Sandrine and were fighting like professionals]

Female voice: To Forceington Cassettape’s vineyard.