Weekend Update Jacob Silj on World Economic Forum

Colin Jost

Jacob Silj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump spoke in the World Economic Forum on Thursday emphasizing his administration’s ‘America First’ policy. Joining us now to shed further light on the President’s message is the senior economic’s fellow at the Center for Strategic and International Studies at Georgetown, Jacob Silj.

[Jacob Silj slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jacob Silj: [speaking like he has memorized it] Thank you, Colin. The Trump White House sent the world mixed messages last week about the strength of the dollar. But the president speech made one thing crystal clear. Multilateralism will not–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, yeah, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry to interrupt.

Jacob Silj: What is it, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s that. It’s just that you’re so, you know–

Jacob Silj: Passionate about this issue? Guilty as charged, Colin. Throw the book at me. And make sure that book is about the responsible custodianship of American global economic responsibilities.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you don’t– You don’t have to shout.

Jacob Silj: Oh, my god! You did not seriously tell me to stop shouting.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. I did. You’re just being really, really loud.

Jacob Silj: Unbelievable. In this day and age, I happen to suffer from voice immodulation syndrome. A condition that prevents me from controlling the volume at which I speak. Voice immodulation syndrome, or VIS has been diagnosed in over zero people the United States alone. And while there still is no cure, laboratory rats with VIS do not exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yes. Yeesh! I got it.

Jacob Silj: Yeesh? Yeesh? Is this funny to you? I thought we were pass this. Is a wheel chair funny? Not unless there’s an injured clown in it. How about slavery, Colin? Is that funny to you? Maybe you’d like to sell your co-host over there [pointing at Michael Che] to one of your rich Harvard friend.

Michael Che: Ay! We don’t need to go there, man!

Jacob Silj: Excuse me, Michael Che. But I’m having a private quiet conversation with Colin right now.

Michael Che: Except can hear you.

Jacob Silj: Because I have a disease.

Colin Jost: Okay. Maybe you could just try to say some of the stuff in your head. No offense.

Jacob Silj: None taken. Geez, Jost, did that wig come with the suit? Good to know you have five dollars.

Colin Jost: Okay. This is my real hair, Jacob.

Jacob Silj: Everything after “None taken” was muttered under breath, Colin. You couldn’t hear it.

Colin Jost: Okay. I think we might have gotten off track a little bit.

Jacob Silj: Because of your insensitivity. Put yourself in my shoes, Colin. My life has been a waking nightmare. Imagine a childhood of crushing loneliness. Now, imagine that you’re older. And you actually find a woman who is able to see past your disease. And love the man inside. Then you go to make love for the first time. And there are your sex noises.

Colin Jost: No, we don’t need it.

[Jacob Silj is making his sex noises]

Jacob Silj: Years later, imagine you’re at the gym and there’s a male dancer working out. And you say to yourself, “Boy, I’d switch for him.” He hears you. Then he admits he’s attracted to you too. Next thing you know, you’re telling that wonderful wife of 20 years that you’re going to the gym but you’re really going to Troy’s apartment. You’re cheating on her with a man all because you can’t control how loud you talk.

Colin Jost: Wow! Well, yes. That sounds– That sounds very embarassing.

Jacob Silj: Very, Colin. Very embarassing.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. Jacob Silj, thank you for joining us.

Jacob Silj: [finally speaking in normal voice] My pleasure, Colin.

Colin Jost: Jacob Silj, everyone!

Democratic Candidates Forum

Rachael Madow… Cecily Strong

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Candidates Forum intro]

[Cut to Rachael standing in the set. The audiences are clapping.]

Rachael: Good evening. Good evening, I’m Rachael Madow and welcome to MSNBC first in the south democratic forum. In case you were wondering what a forum is, it’s a debate that no one watches. Tonight we’re coming to you live from Winthrop University in beautiful South Carolina. And to remind you of that, all night we’ll be cutting to very tight shots of black people in the audience. The camera will be very close to their faces and we’ll often catch them off guard like this.

[Cut to Kenan. He’s an audience of the show and takes time to realize that he’s on TV.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Tonight, I’ll be speaking one on one with the three remaining democratic candidates. We’ll get to the fun ones in a sec, but first we have to eat our vegetables. Please welcome Martin O’Malley.

[Martin O’Malley walks in]

Martin O’Malley: Thanks for having me, Rachael.

Rachael: Governor O’Malley, here’s my first question. Did you get here okay?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: You have a– You have a good flight?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: Okay, governor O’Malley, everyone.

[Martin O’Malley stands and waves at the audience, and then leaves.]

Our next candidate this evening is hot off crushing the Benghazi hearings, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: 11 hours, baby. It couldn’t break me and it never will.

Rachael: Okay, Hillary, let’s dive in to some tough questions. But, oh, don’t worry. Not actually tough, just MSNBC tough.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Of course, but first excuse me while I try to sit casually in this chair.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is finding a comfortable posture to sit on.]

There we go.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Secretary Clinton, here is your question. You lived in Arkansas for 20 years, but after the White House, you moved to New York instead of returning down South. So, how can the people in the South trust that you care about them?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Rachael, I love the South. I love to eat Hush Puppies and wear Hush Puppies. But you know, I also love New York, with their bagels and their logs. I could never forget about it. But I also could never forget about sitting on a porch and eating some Southern grills.

[Cut to Jay sitting in audience. He is shocked to see himself on the screen.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay, now, since this is not a debate, it’s just a forum, let’s move on to some stupid little games.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Pick an envelope and inside are some surprise questions. Sounds fun?

Hillary Clinton: Ha-hah! Yes. I love being surprised on TV. [laughing]

Rachael: Alright, this one. Okay.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Alright, question one, what language would you most like to learn?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm. I think I’m gonna say casual English. Um, you know, there are so many phrases I hear but I don’t know how to use. Like, “hang out”, or “I’m good either way”.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Question two, introvert or extrovert?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Rachael, I would say I’m a little bit of both. I’m an extrovert because I love meeting people and connecting with them and smiling with them. But, I’m an introvert because no, I don’t.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for being here. Secretary Clinton, everyone.

[Hillary Clinton stands, waves at everyone and leaves]

Time for our final candidate. He’s a second term senator of–

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Okay, okay, I don’t need no–

[cheers and applause]

I don’t need no fancy introduction. I’m not Elvis Presley. Let’s just get on with it.

Rachael: Okay, well, thanks for being here senator Sanders. Are you ready for some questions?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’ve actually got a question for you. What the hell is this tonight? Why are we even doing this?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Beats me. Now, senator, let’s get to our first question. You’ve said many times that you wanna raise taxes for large corporations. What exactly would you invest that money in?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. It’s crumbling.  That’s why I no longer drive on bridges or through tunnels. I won’t do it, Rachael. It’s too risky. Instead, I keep a kayak strapped to the top of my car. Whenever I get to a bridge, I park, abandon my car and paddle to the other side. So, if you ever see a soaking wet man pulling a kayak out of a river and screaming about bridges, give him a hand. Coz he’s your next president.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Senator Sanders, I’m gonna ask you another question. Please don’t hate me.

Bernie Sanders: Of course I hate you. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I hate everyone. What’s to like? The only people I like are my seven adorable grandchildren. The youngest one is so cute. He just turned 40.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Um, now, you’ve been very vocal about campaign finance reform. How is the way your financing your campaign different from the other candidates in either party?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Listen, Rachael, the other candidates, they’re taking millions of dollars from the Coke Brothers and Nexon Mobile. But not me. I only accept coins. And I’m not talking about fancy coins like dimes and quarters. I just want nickles and pennies. The coins of the middle class. And Rachael, I don’t want new pennies. I’m talking about those old pennies that are covered in hard black gum, you can’t even read the date. So, America, if you believe in Bernie, I need you to go home, open your closet, pull out your vacuum, dump it upside down and send me all the pennies fall out of it. That’s right. I’m Bernie Sanders and I want your vacuum pennies.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Interesting strategy, senator.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Rachael, don’t poo-poo the vacuum penny.

[Cut to Rachael and Bernie Sanders]

Rachael: I won’t.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t poo-poo it.

Rachael: I won’t. But now, it’s time again to play some stupid little game, okay? Pick an envelope.

Bernie Sanders: The one on the far left. So far left, it could never be elected.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Rachael: Oh, this actually isn’t a question. It’s a dare. Senator Sanders,I dare you to take my phone and call your crush.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can’t call my crush. It would take too long because my crush is every black person in America.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience looking un-convinced.]

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Black people love me, Rachael. When I ran for senator in Vermont, I got 50% of the black vote. His name was Marcus.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Alright, finally, are there any last words you’d like to offer the American people?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes. If you vote for me, I will work hard, I will never give up and Live from New York… ay! You get it!

[The End]