Tag: Found

Weekend Update Jussie Smollett Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jussie Smollett at left top corner.]

On Thursday, Chicago jury declared Jussie Smollett really bad at acting. Smollett was found guilty of charges related to staging a hate crime. It’s the worst stage hate crime since my all Christian production of Fiddler on the Roof.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

And in legal news, where someone definitely won’t get convicted, Donald Trump will be subpoenaed by New York Attorney General Letitia James. James wants to depose Trump under oath on January 7. come on, give the guy a break. I mean, that’s the day after his big anniversary. [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

According to a new report, a former staff member for vice president Kamala Harris says that she often fails to read briefing material and is unprepared for meetings. Well, you know, it feels really amazing to finally see someone in the White House was just like me.

[Picture changes to Ainsley Earhardt]

After the tree outside of Fox News headquarters was set on fire by a homeless man, Fox and Friends host Ainsley Earhardt said “This Scrooge is not going to get away with it.” And nothing has ever explained Fox News better than a rich white lady calling a homeless man scrooge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Olympic logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: China responded after President Biden announced a diplomatic boycott of the Beijing Olympics by saying the US will pay for its wrongdoing. You wait and see. But America isn’t scared by your threats. And even though NBC is broadcasting the Olympics, they aren’t afraid to let me speak my mind about what the Chinese government is up to. So, you liste–

[Cut to “Technical Difficulties” interference cilp]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump advisor Roger Stone, who draws his glasses on with a sharpie, refused to cooperate with the committee investigating the January 6 attacks. Those stones said he would be open to sitting in the corner watching the committee take turns on his wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia and Ukraine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Russia has deployed 90,000 troops to its border with Ukraine leading many to believe that Vladimir Putin intends to invade the country. And no offense to Ukraine, but why? Is Russia running low on tracksuits and counterfeit cologne? At the same time it’s tough for America to criticize countries who take land from their neighbors. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret where we got New Mexico.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an anime convention at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC believes the Omicron variant was first appearing in the US during a recent anime convention in New York. Damn! The one time they leave the house.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of vaccination card at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City will require all children over the age of five to show proof of vaccination before dining indoors or going to an entertainment venue. Because if there’s one thing a five year old can do, it’s keep track of a small piece of paper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chris Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After CNN fire Chris Cuomo has revealed that the former anchor has been accused of sexual misconduct just like his older brother. “Well, those two are quite a pair,” said Cuomo to a female coworker.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Devin Nunez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Devin Nunez seen here realizing a little came out on that one, announced that he is leaving congress to become CEO of Trump’s new social media company, which again just based on this photo will be called “SQRT”.

Weekend Update Democrats Delay Infrastructure Vote R Kelly Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar on October Michael Che0Michael Che0 page at left top corner.]

Very nice to be back with you. First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine. We were in the middle of intense election. Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick. The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.” It was exciting time for the show. Big story this year… Infrastructure. I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level, but it’s not great for TV. So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke. I’d really appreciate it.

[The picture changes to Capitol building]

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday to make a case for his build back better budget plan. No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden getting a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt… or felt really good.

[Picture changes to logo o Pfizer]

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles? [Picture changes to a chocolate bar having needles inside it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MERCK capsules at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid. The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA or The Joe Rogan Experience.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May. After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year. In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online to music streaming services to remove his music. I mean after all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cross and a vaccine.]

Welcome back, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics– [audience laughing] Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.