Steve Doocey… Taran Killam
Elizabeth Hasselback… Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan
Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon
Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah
Carla… Leslie Jones
[Starts with FOX & friends intro]
Female voice: You’re watching & friends.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian in their set]
Steve: Hello and welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocey and with me is usual Elizabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade
Elizabeth: Hey there.
Brian: Good morning.
Steve: Well, we are less than a week away from the big turkey day.
Elizabeth: That’s right. Happy thanksgiving.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Oh, hey, no need to be politically correct. You can just say it the old fashioned way. “Happy thanksgiving, Jesus.”
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Well, the refugee situation over in the middle east may be even worse than we previously thought.
[Cut to Elizabeth]
Elizabeth: That’s right. Look at this footage we at FOX have just obtained of a crazed mob of Syrian refugees flooding over our borders into this country.
[Cut to a chaotic video of people getting in a store]
Steve: Look at it, it’s chaos. There’s no screening. They’re just walking into that Walmart. They’re just taking anything they like.
[Cut to Steve. He is listening to his earpiece.]
Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually footage of refugees. It’s Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Well, I think the point’s still stands.
[Cut to Elizabeth]
Elizabeth: By the way, why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday? I’m just gonna come out and say it, all Fridays matter.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: True. Very, very true. And with millions fleeing from ISIS, there has been plenty of debate over whether the US should allow any refugees in from Syria.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Oh, well, Syria has been nothing but good to me. Helps me all the time. [Brian takes his iPhone out and talks to Siri] Hey Syria, locate nearest bathroom.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: Well, one person who seems just fine with the Syrians coming into this country is democratic national committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz who joins us now.
[Cut to Debbie in her office]
Debbie: Thank you Steve. Sorry I couldn’t be there but if I wanted crap shoved down my throat I’d be a fuagra goose.
[Cut to split screen of Elizabeth and Debbie]
Elizabeth: Schultz, you don’t think there should be more screening for refugees?
Debbie: Elizabeth, I’m from Florida. We’re full of refugees. We have Cubans escaping communism. We got Guatemalans escaping drug cartels. And we got old people escaping winter. That’s a Wasserman Schultz original.
[Steve appears in place of Elizabeth]
Steve: But Mr.s Schultz, I mean these are dangerous people.
Debbie: Oh, my god. You people and your genophobia. You make me so nuts. [Cut to Debbie] You know, when I wake up in the morning my hair is stick straight. Then I tune in for FOX news and it curls itself.
[Cut to Brian]
Brian: But you must agree with senator Marco Rubio that it’s not that we aren’t compassionate, we just want to be safe.
[Cut to Debbie]
Debbie: Marco Rubio, huh? You need to tell that grown up alien Gonzalez to shut the hell up. Look, if the red states won’t take these refugees, I will. We’ll all live in one big house and they’ll make a reality show about it. 19,000 Syrians in counting. Wasserman Schultz out.
[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]
Steve: Well, Mrs. Schultz isn’t the only one with an opinion on the refugee situation.
Elizabeth: That’s right. [Cut to Elizabeth] many presidential candidates have also wayed in.] We have one of the leading contenders here with us tonight. Dr. Ben Carson.
[Cut to Debbie]
Debbie: Straight out of Compton.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: No, no, no, Brian! That’s the wrong black doctor. You’re thinking of Dr. Dre. Hello Dr. Carson.
[Cut to Ben in his office]
Ben: Hello everyone. My apologies if I already seem agitated but I am just revved up about this. I would ask the views at home to turn their volume down because I might get crazy.
[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]
Steve: Now doctor, you yourself have said we should carefully screen everyone coming into this country. Do you have a plan that would separate Muslims from Christian refugees.
Ben: Well, weeding out the Islamic would be simple. [Cut to Ben] First we’d say, “You can’t come into this country until I see you eat a bacon while singing a Christmas Carol.” Or all refugees will be given mad libs with a phrase, “Death to blank.” Anyone who writes America won’t be allowed inside America.
[Cut to Elizabeth]
Elizabeth: Now, president Obama has decided to lead from behind on this. Isn’t that dangerous?
[Cut to Ben]
Ben: Absolutely. Extremists are entering this country everyday. I mean, open your eyes president Obama. It’s enough to make me wanna flip my top.
[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]
Steve: I gotta say Dr. Carson, you seem pretty calm sir.
Ben: Oh, I’m like a koala bear. On the outside I may seem nice but on the inside, I’ve never held elected office.
[Cut to Steve]
Steve: You know what? Why don’t we take a break. But before we do go, let’s check in with our FOX news fact checker. Carla, how did we do?
[Cut to Carla]
Carla: Bad! Y’all gonna have me up all night.
[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]
Steve: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fair enough, Carla. We’ll see you after the break and…
Steve, Elizabeth and Brian: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.