Tag: Fraud

Weekend Update Vaccine Fraud and Mars Rover

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of a new article that says “Two women dressed up as grandmothers to get vaccine” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida officials say two women tried to get a second dose of the vaccine by dressing up as grandmothers. Which in Florida means they just dressed up as 35 year olds.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rover on Mars at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NASA’s rover ‘Perseverance’ successfully landed on Mars and started a Twitter account to send back updates. First it was – “I’m safe on Mars!” Then – “Collected first soil sample!” And then – “Oh no, why is there no white history month?” Wow, it really figured out Twitter fast.

[picture changes to Krispy Kreme’s new doughnut]

Krispy Kreme is marking the landing of the rover on Mars by offering a limited edition doughnut modeled after Mars. It’s different from their usual doughnut which is modeled after Uranus. [picture changes to normal doughnut (that has a hole)] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Kim Kardashain and Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kin Kardashain has filed for divorce from Kanye West. And I really sympathize with Kanye because I know from experience how difficult it is to have to move that many sneakers out of a white lady’s apartment.

[Picture changes to a mammoth]

Researchers studying the remains of a Willy mammoth have uncovered the world’s oldest DNA sequence. In fact, it’s so old, Andrew Cuomo is covering up it’s death.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man wearing a catholic priest’s outfit at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines on ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people’s foreheads. And I think not touching could just be a great new rule in general.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Israel is reporting that they vaccinated half of their population. And I’m gonna guess it’s the Jewish half.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of #SIMP at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular new hashtag among teenagers is SIMP which describes boys who are overly nice to girls they like, as in only a simp would flee a disaster just because his wife wanted to go to Cancun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman has created a customized life jacket that allows a disabled goldfish to swim. The woman came up with the idea while not having plans on Vaneltine’s day.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of

Colin Jost: The retired admiral who oversaw the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden is releasing a children’s book. The book is the surprising collaboration called “The Berenstain Bears kill Osama Bin Laden.”

Weekend Update- Supreme Court Dismisses Election Fraud Cases

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Micahel Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Guys, I got to be honest. I’m beginning to think that Donald Trump didn’t win this election. This week the supreme court dismissed two different Trump law suits to overturn the election results. They were the first rulings by the supreme court that were just the eye-roll emoji. Don’t worry, Trump isn’t throwing in the towel because he has been a fighter his whole life. At least that’s what it looks like on his brain scans. [Picture changes to a brain scan with many injuries.] I just love how the media telling us, “Okay, this time it’s over.” Nothing is ever over as long as Donald Trump can make money off it. Even when he dies, his tombstone is just going to have his Venmo info. Also, he’s a billionaire and he keeps asking his supporters for $5. Isn’t that just sad? It’s like saying “For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can help a desperate old man pretend he’s still president.”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of a gavel and a map of Texas at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Yes, that’s sweet. The Texas lawsuit asked the supreme court to invalidate election results in four other states, which is a plan so crazy only Texas would try to execute it. many black doctors are saying that they are having a hard time convincing their patience to take the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, which is weird because Moderna vaccine is my favorite Tyler Perry character.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a online news that says “Biden promises 100 million shots in 100 days” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President elect Joe Biden has emphasized his commitment to vaccine distribution by promising 100 million shots in 100 days, which is also his botox routine. Biden probably would have gotten those doses to us sooner, but Trump administration rejected several opportunities to acquire an additional 100 million doses of of the Pfizer vaccine. Why? Who at any point this year thought, “We have too much vaccine?” What the hell are you priority? You don’t have a money for life saving vaccines but you can start up a space army? It’s like the captain of the Titanic while it’s going down saying, “You guys want to start a space army?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of William Barr at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Insiders are saying that Attorney General and all grown up Eric Cartman [from South Park] , William Barr is considering resigning after a contentious meeting with president Trump because if there’s one thing Bill Barr won’t stand for, it’s more than a few minutes at a time.