Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out] [Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears] [Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.] [Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.] [The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

Escape Pod

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Din… Fred Armisen

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.] [The space ship is broken and fire breaks down] [Cut to four people panicking in the ship]

Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.

Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.

Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.

Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?

Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.

Din: What happens to everybody else?

Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.

[Taran draws an ID[

Taran: It’s Din.

Din: No, you guys. No.

Beck: First fair, Din.

Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?

Taran: It’s what fate decided.

[Din goes to the escape pod.]

Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.

Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.

Taran: God speed, Din.

Din: I will tell your story.

[Din presses the button]

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.

Din: You guys are the best.

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.

Din: The world will know your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?

Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?

Beck: Din, it’s okay.

Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?

Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.

Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.

Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.

Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–

Assisting voice: Select beverage.

Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.

Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.

Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]

Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?

Din: Yes, it’s correct.

Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?

Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.

[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]

Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.

Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.

[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.] [Din is saluting at his friends]

Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.

Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.

Taran: Lead the way.

Beck: What about Din?

[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]

Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.

Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.

[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun] [The End]