Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump] [Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Trump Argentina Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 7

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia… Fred Armisen

[Donald is sleepless at night and is standing in the hallway. Melania comes to call Donald to sleep]

Melania Trump: Donald, Donald come to bed.

Donald Trump: Melania, Melania, I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking through a forest of blood.

Melania Trump: No, no, that was just my Christmas decorations. What’s the matter, Donald? Do you not like Argentina?

Donald Trump: No, I love Argentina. There are a bunch of old German guys who are really into what I’m saying there.

Melania Trump: Yes, and our dinner with the Chinese president went well.

Donald Trump: I know, it was hilarious. Every time he said something, I sad in bed.

Melania Trump: Yes. Very funny. So what’s wrong?

Donald Trump: I just can’t stop thinking about this Mueller investigation. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s coming after me.

Melania Trump: Oh, cheer up, Donald! You know worst case scenario. You will go to prison, and you have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping, and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me. I mean that’s worse case. In fact, I’m going to go think about that worse case while I soak in the bathtub.

[Melania goes to bath]

Donald Trump: All right. I’ll be in soon, Honey. Oh, Donnie, you’ve really done it this time. Because you got to face all of those European leaders again. They just hate me because I’m a nationalist. What did nationalism ever do to Europe?

[Rudy comes to the screen acting weird]

Rudy Giuliani: Hi, Hi. [Cut to Rudy] [Cut to Rudy and Donald]

Donald Trump: Rudy, where did you come from?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I was hanging upside down under the balcony.

Donald Trump: What’s the latest on the mother probe?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, the good news is it’s almost over.

Donald Trump: And the bad news?

Rudy Giuliani: It’s almost over.

Donald Trump: How is my legal defense coming?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, I’m involved, so it’s not great. This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity.

Donald Trump: God, I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t. You know all of my secrets.

Rudy Giuliani: Yep, and I keep those secrets where no one can find them, on nationally televised interviews. Okay. I need to run some errands before the sunrises. Good night, Donald.

[Rudy opens her hands side, he has bat wings under his arms][Rudy leaves the screen]

Donald Trump: Good-bye, Rudy. All alone again. No one understands me. Who can I call?  Someone who I know will always answer.

[Screen splits. Donald on the left side and Michael on the right side]

Michael Cohen: Yes, hello? Michael Cohen speaking. I’ll tell you anything you want.

Donald Trump: Michael, Michael, it’s Donald.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, I’m not supposed to be talking to you.

Donald Trump: Come one. Michael.

Michael Cohen: I’m gonna get in trouble.

Donald Trump: But Mikey, Mikey Coco, I need a bowl of my Mikey Coco Puffs.

Michael Cohen: Okay, fine, I can’t say no to my Donald Trump-luphogus.

Donald Trump: There we go. You got to get me out of this. Who can I give up to the feds? What if I put my son Eric in some old age make-up and a fat suit and say it’s me?

Michael Cohen: I’m not sure it will work, sir.

Donald Trump: Trust me, Eric will never catch on.

Michael Cohen: Sorry, Mr.Trump, It’s over.

Donald Trump: Well, Michael, at least there are some things they can never take away from us. Our late night talks.

Michael Cohen: They got them on tape.

Donald Trump: Our vacations to Moscow.

Michael Cohen: They seized the records.

Donald Trump: What about our hairstylist, the blind man with the shaky hands?

Michael Cohen: He died like, months ago.

Donald Trump: I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael. You were like a son to me.

Michael Cohen: Then why did you make me do so many illegal stuff?

Donald Trump: Because you’re like a son to me. Goodbye, Michael.

[Cut to Donald]

God, I haven’t been this upset since I flipped out over that parking space. How can anyone think I colluded with Russia?

Vladimir Putin: [Vladimir comes in topless]

] Donnie, why are you still up? Come back to bed, babe.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, I can’t believe you and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia had the whole handshake yesterday.

Vladimir Putin: What that? That meant nothing to me. It was just a totally improvised handshake. I’m not like, bros with him or anything.

[Prince comes in]

Crown Prince: Hey, Vladi Daddy!

Vladimir Putin: Hey, in the end.

Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince: Number one!

Donald Trump: Wait, I thought I was your number one.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, totally. You’re not my side piece. You’re like my main girlfriend, and this guy is like a random hooker.

Crown Prince: Bro, [Cut to Vladimir and Prince] remember when we all race dune buggies last week?

Vladimir Putin: Yeah. And I was like did you really kill that journalist?

Crown Prince: I was like of course, I didn’t, on opposite day!

[Vladimir and Prince are doing their handshake][Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Well, Vlad, I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting.

Vladimir Putin: No, I get it, Donnie. Hey, when am I moving into Trump Tower penthouse in Moscow? No, I’m kidding. I would never set a foot in a dump like that.

Crown Prince: Vladdy, check it. When I killed that guy the other day, Trump  was like, “Oh, please tell me you didn’t do it.” I was like, “Bitch, you want your oil or not?”

[Vladimir and Prince doing high-fives]

Vladimir and Prince: One, two, three, four!

Vladimir Putin: Anyway, you won’t see me for a while, Donnie. I prefer presidents who don’t get indicted.

Crown Prince: Come on, I’ll buy you a llama, and we’ll get it drunk.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, you’re so actually rich, I love you. Peace out.

[Vladimir and Prince leave]

Donald Trump: Wow, who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I guess, all I can say is

[Donald starts singing with his arms wide open]

Don’t cry for me Argentina

The truth I’m very guilty

Some little no-nos and maybe treason

But I kept my promise oops no, I didn’t

[Everyone comes into the screen singing]

Everybody: Don’t cry for us Argentina

Melania Trump: The truth is I barely know him

Vladimir and Prince: All through our wild days

Rudy: My mad existence

Michael: It’s just a witch-hunt

Everybody: And we’re all witches

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!