Tag: Friend

Straight Male Friend

Carson… Bowen Yang

All: Cheers!

Carson: Like most gay men, I have a lot of straight female friends and I love my girls. They can be a lot. Both financially-

Chloe: Wait, Carson, you’re coming to Tulum, right?

Carson: You know it, sis. And emotionally.

Heidi: Tulum is where Dylan and I were supposed to go before we broke.

Carson: Oh, I’m so sorry babe. As much as these girls mean to me, sometimes I need a break. And that’s when I discovered straight male friend.

Travis: What’s up? [playing video game] Yo, watch me head chop this bitch. Boom to the doom.

Carson: Amazing. Street male friend is a low effort low stakes relationship that requires no emotional commitment, no financial investment and other than the occasional video game related outburst-

Travis: [raging] Oh man, this game’s stupid.

Carson: No drama.

Travis: Yo, you want to grow your wings?

Carson: If I didn’t check in with my gal pals every day or two, it would turn into a whole thing. That’s never an issue with straight male friends. Hang out with them as little or as much as you want. It won’t affect the friendship at all. Watch this. Hey, I might be moving to Europe for seven years.

Travis: Dope. Just hit me when you’re back.

Carson: Straight male friend is easy. And even he’s having a rough time emotionally, he’ll never bring me into it. [to Travis] You okay? seem a little upset.

Travis: Man. My dad died last week.

Carson: Oh.

Travis: But it’s alright, you know? Try this wings?

Carson: Straight male friend isn’t perfect and may ask blunt questions about your sex life.

Travis: So like, do gay guys like when a guy has a big one? Or is it kind of like a bad thing?

Carson: Depends on the guy. But he’s only asking because he’s honestly curious. There’s something sweet about that. Does straight male friend provide the same deep rewarding relationship I have with my girls? No. Does straight male friend know my last name? No. And that’s kind of the beauty of it. But if you are missing a little drama, just say this. I bet I’m faster than you.

Travis: Dog. Bro, for real? You think you’re faster than me? I will go outside on the street and dust your ass right now. Let’s go, come on. Come on.

Carson: So if you’re a gay man who needs a break, come discover the casual low effort friendship gay women have known about for years. Straight male friend.

Travis: Yo, sorry about being a pussy about my dad dying earlier, man. That won’t happen again.

Male voice: Straight male friend, available everywhere. Except therapy.

Enhancement Drug

Dwayne Johnson

Doctor… Kyle Mooney

Friend… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group of people working at the construction site.]

Dwayne: You know, when I hit 50, my body went through a big change and not for the better. Severe erectile dysfunction shattered my confidence, sent me into depression and almost ruined my marriage. And believe me, I tried everything. But then a friend told me about Xentres. So I tried it and I worked.

Female voice: Xentres is the strongest male-enhancement drug on the market. It increases blood flow, boosts testosterone and ends erectile dysfunction instantly.

Dwayne: So I asked my doctor about Xentrex, and he said, “Xentrex? What the hell is Xentrex?” And I said, “Xentrex! It’s the strongest male-enhancement drug in the world and it works.” And he said he never heard of it. So, I pulled up the website and showed it to him. He started laughing. He said, “Are you insane, man? You can’t put that junk in your body. It’ll kill you. Your heart will stop. Rhino horn? Ammonium hydroxide? That’s what in meth, right?”

Female voice: Xentres is made strong enough to work on the most extreme cases of erectile dysfunction, and fast!

Dwayne: My doctor asked me, “Where did you hear about that [bleep]?” And I tole him, “A friend.” And he said, “Well, what’s his name?” And I said, “Well, I don’t really know him actually.” And he says, “But you just said he’s your friend.” So I told my doctor, “Look. Let’s forget about him and just write me a scrip for Xentrex and I’ll be on my way.” My doctor said, “Are you deaf, man? No! I could lose my license. You could die.” I said, “Yeah, I still want it though. So give it to me. Write the prescription.” I wasn’t leaving. So he says, “I think that website just froze my computer.” So I grabbed him a little. And he goes, “YOu’re hurting me, sir.” Hah! Xentrex works.

[Dwayne starts beating up the doctor]

Female voice: Side effects of Xentrex include fits of rage, acne, bleeding, baldness, blindness, whooping cough, hallucinations, coma, trouble swallowing, decrease in semen, increase in semen, nasal sores, constipation, vomiting, night terrors, amnesia and suicidal urges.

Dwayne: And those are just the side effects they tell you about. [Dwayne’s nose is bleeding] I get sweats. My bones are cold. My teeth are loose. My heart gets really, really hot. I could read minds and sometimes, I wake up driving a stolen car. But my erections are fantastic. When I wear gray sweat pants, people cross the street. Which is fine. Xentrex gave me my life back. Hail satan.

Female voice: So, threaten your doctor or ask your ketamine guy about South African Xentrex today.

Dwayne: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It works.