Tag: Funeral

Mama’s Funeral

Travis: I’m very honored to be here today, as we fondly remember mother, grandmother and lover, Miss Glenda. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Dylan. I was Glenda’s nurse and we had an intimate loving relationship in her final months.

Kenan: Wait. Mama started dating him?

Punkie: Well, good for you, Mama. That man is a fine.

Travis: I know how important Glenda was to you all, so I organized and funded this home going service in her honor. Now if you knew Glenda, you knew she was a free spirit.

Kenan: Yeah, what do you mean by that?

Travis: So I thought she would be laid to rest how we all knew her. Tada.

[Travis pulls the curtain. Glenda is there with a cigarette in her hips and bottle of soda in her hand.]

Kenan: What the hell is this?

Punkie: This white boy got our dead mama sitting up.

Travis: Yes, yes, I do. Shades on, world out, puffing on the menthol. That’s my Glinda.

Devon: How could you do this to her? She looks crazy.

Punkie: Well, at least he got it in a nice shirt.

Travis: Um-hmm, that’s Glenda. Little mom always Boolean. You know what hit different when they in the nightgown. Now, I’d like to open the floor to friends and family so they can share a few words in Glinda’s memory.

Kenan: Alright ,yeah. You know what? I’m not gonna let Vanillasaurus Rex over here ruin my mom a funeral. She was a good mama. Taught me everything I knew. She was strong.

[Travis is slurping soda from Glenda’s hand]

Stop it! She had a smile for every stranger and a story for every occasion. I swear, it’s like I can almost hear her voice now.

[Travis play a recording of Glenda]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.

Kenan: Hold on, that the-

Glenda’s recording: Don’t you embarrass me in front of these white people.

Travis: Don’t, right? They rigged her up, put a speaker in her. And all of her favorite sayings are right there.

Glenda’s recording: JJ acted stuck up because he got that small headed white girlfriend with him.

Sarah: Me? My head isn’t small.

Devon: Wait, you programmed her to say that?

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you let- let- let-

Travis: Oh, she’s stuck. I got this.

[Travis blows on her head]

Glenda’s recording: Letting all the good air out.

Kenan: Hey, man. You just blowed on my mama head like she was a Nintendo cartridge?

Travis: Let’s just move on. Glenda didn’t want this to be a sad service. DJ Roscoe, hit it.

[music playing]

[Glenda’s body is also dancing a bit]

Go ahead, Ms. Glenda. With your bad self.

Devon: Yo, you put hydraulics on my grandma?

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you?

Travis: Hey, I spent $30,000 on this. And that’s every penny that she had. And I’ll be damned if I spend it in vain. Now y’all are gonna sit back and watch your mama go to heaven.

[Glenda’s chair starts throwing smoke like a rocket]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.

Funeral Song

Miriam Lewis… Heidi Gardner

Father… Owen Wilson

Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Levar B. Burton… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a picture of Miriam Lewis on screen.]

[Cut to Father at the podium in funeral.]

Father: Welcome. We are here today to honor the passing of Miriam Lewis. Miriam was a devoted mother, a loving grandmother, a devout church goer and most of all, just a free spirit.

Cecily: She sure was.

Andrew: Nana live a life.

Father: And Miriam’s favorite thing to do in the whole world was to take the bus down to Atlantic city and play those penny slots.

Aidy: Yes. She went every single weekend.

Chloe: [sobbing] I miss Nana so much.

Father: Mariam wanted every detail of this funeral to reflect her spirit, starting with her all time favorite song as sung by her all time favorite performer, please welcome bussed in, not direct, from the Loose Nugget Casino, legendary Atlantic city headliner, Levar B. Burton.

[Levar B. Burton walks in]

Levar B. Burton: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you to Peter Pan bus lines for bringing me to New York city via Secaucus via Hershey, Pennsylvania. I knew Miriam very well. She would always sit front row in my show and shout, “Sing my song!” Well, this one’s for you, Miriam.

[music playing]

[singing] I used to think that I could not go on

Aidy: This song sounds familiar.

Levar B. Burton: And life was nothing but an awful song.

[A slideshow of Miriam Lewis’s pictures is on the TV screen]

Cecily: I think it’s ‘I believe I can fly’.

Levar B. Burton: If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, 

We miss you, Mimi.

there’s nothing to it

Say it with me.

I believe I can fly.

Cecily: Stop. This song is by R. Kelly.

Aidy: Yea. We were already sad and then you made us listen to R. Kelly.

Levar B. Burton: Well, actually, you’re listening to Levar B. Burton.

Father: Hold on. I don’t understand. Miriam told me she wanted this specific song.

Andrew: But R. Kelly is a horrible man who did awful things.

Chloe: Well, maybe Nana didn’t know about all that.

Cecily: Hah, maybe she didn’t.

Aidy: Yea, and it was Nana’s wish.

Cecily: Yea, I guess go ahead, Lavar Burton.

Levar B. Burton: Ah! Lavar B. Burton. Yes, that’s very important legally. Now, where was I?

[singing] I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Levar B. Burton on screen]

Hey, that’s us.

Thinking about it every night and day

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Louis C.K. on screen]

Oh, no.

Spread my wings and fly away.

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Donald Trump on screen]

Andrew: Wow, she sure met a lot of celebrities.

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Kevin Spacey on screen]

Levar B. Burton: I believe I can fly

[There’s a picture of Miriam Lewis and Bill Cosby on screen]

That’s way too recent

[Cecily walks up to the stage and stops Levar B. Burton]

Cecily: I’m sorry. Thank you very much for coming, Lavar Burton.

Levar B. Burton: Oh, don’t forget that B in the middle.

Cecily: This may be what Nana wanted but this is not how we wanted to remember her.

Father: Look folks, I don’t know a lot about celebrities or rock n’ roll, and I’m sure Nana didn’t either. But she was just a sweet old lady who loved to see a show and I know she wanted a funeral that reflected that. Because I’ll never forget, right before she died, she looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “I believe I can fly.” And then she jumped.

Aidy: Yea, those gambling debts finally caught up to her.

Cecily: Oh, so that’s why she chose this song.

Levar B. Burton: So, you want me to finish it?

Cecily: No. Absolutely not. Why don’t you play Nana’s second favorite song instead?

Levar B. Burton: Oh, you got it.

[Music for the song ‘Ignition’ by R. Kelly starts playing]

Now, usually I don’t do this but why don’t we go on and break them up with a little piece of the remix?

[singing] It’s a remix to ignition, babe
patting fresh out the kitchen

[starts singing gibberish]