Tag: Gaetz

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Venmo Sex Scandal

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Well, our favorite Florida congressman, Matt Gaetz is back in the news but this time it’s good. I’m kidding. It’s still the sex stuff. Matt Gaetz who looks like all the dudes from American Pie combined reportedly sent $900 on Venmo to an alleged sex trafficker who then forwarded that same exact amount to three young women in payments labelled ‘tuition and school’ which if true would make him the only congressman actually helping with student loans. But at least Gaetz is taking the allegations seriously. That’s why yesterday he spoke at ‘Women for America First’ summit which was a nice change to see women pay for an hour with Matt Gaetz. My favorite moment was when Gaetz pointed out how much support he’s getting from other politicians.

[Cut to video clip of Matt Gaetz speech]

Matt Gaetz: This past week has been full of encouragement. From President Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Jim Jordan–

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Did he think those were good character references? Who was next on his list? The ghost of Jeffery Epstein?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child get into a stranger’s van, denounced corporations opposing Georgia’s new voting law saying that they should “Stay out of politics”. Coincidentally, stay out of politics is also Georgia’s new rule for black people.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former president Donald Trump also releases the statement urging his followers to boycott Coca Cola which is surprising because I would have guess Don Jr. would have problem with coke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden has announced executive actions to curve gun violence including new regulations against gun kits that you can buy online an assemble at home. Remember how frustrated and angry you get assembling a dresser? Now, imagine at the end of that, you had a gun. Also, I got to say. It’s weird seeing a guy who’s basically doing a Clint Eastwood impression be pro gun control. I mean look at him. [picture changes to a poster of Gran Torino with the face of Joe Biden] You can put him into Gran Torino and no one would know the difference.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CDC logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC is facing criticism for it’s mixed messaging regarding coronavirus. You know what? I have to agree with this because all year, the CDC has been texting me saying I was eligible for the vaccine, but every time I click the link, it was just a picture of this guy. [Picture changes to a naked black man] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gavin Newsom at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: California governor Gavin Newsom who asked his barber for the American Psycho [picture of Christian Bale from American Psycho appears], he has announced a complete reopening plan that critics were saying is just a distraction from the governor’s many scandals. It’s a move that has other governors asking, “Did it work?”

Weekend Update- Matt Gaetz Under Investigation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Representative Matt Gaetz who looks like a caricature artist drawing of me is reportedly under investigation for an alleged sexual relationship with an underaged girl, because Gaetz believes only voters should have to show ID. it’s also being reported that Gaetz may have paid for sex the women he met online. That story has since been confirmed by his whole vibe. Gaetz then defended himself releasing this very normal statement. See if any of this sounds suspicious to you. “Matt Gaetz has never paid for sex.” “Matt Gaetz has never, ever been on any such websites whatsoever.” “Matt Gaetz cherishes the relationships in his past and looks forward to marrying the love of his life.” Here’s my response statement. “Colin Jost does not believe you.” “Colin Jost thinks you’ve been to all the websites.” “And Colin Jost thinks you should holf off on sending out those wedding invites.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden unveiled his $2 trillion infrastructure plan which some democrats are calling the ‘New new deal’. But I thought we weren’t allowed to make fun of the stutter. Biden plans to pay for his infrastructure plan by raising taxes on corporations and and wealthy which sounds like a great idea but it leads to one big question. How do I hide my money?

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture o Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And if I could get back to Matt Gaetz for a minute, here’s the craziest part of this story to me. Sitting congressman is being accused of child trafficking and the QAnon people are suddenly like, “Na, I need more evidence.” That was your whole thing! I mean, come on! Think about it. Matt Gaetz’s girlfriend, she was allegedly 17. 17th letter is Q. It all adds up. What are you waiting for? The storm is finally here and QAnon is like, “You can’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

[Picture changes to map of Georgia an Delta airlines logo at left top corner.]

Delta airlines which is based in Atlanta publicly criticized Georgia’s new restrictive voting laws and you know you messed up when Delta is like, “Hey, you gotta treat people with respect.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So woke. President Biden has reportedly determining if he has the authority to cancel student debt through an executive order. Come on, man! Just do it. I think the country can afford one reckless action after four years of president Kool-Aid-man. [picture changes to Donald Trump] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Speaking of Donald Trump, Melania Trump has launched a website dedicated to “Preserving the magnificent legacy of Trump administration”. And it will honor the most lasting part of Trump’s legacy by giving your computer an uncontrollable virus.