Tag: Gemma

Gemma & DJ Balls

Alex Moffat

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Punkie Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

DJ Balls… Keegan-Michael Key

Gemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of friends in a restaurant.]

Alex: Guys, let’s hear it for the birthday boy.

All: Gene! Gene! Gene!

Gene: No, no, no. Don’t do that. I don’t need all of that. But, thank you.

Punkie: Wait, where’s Lisa?

Heidi: Yeah, Gene. Where is Lisa?

Gene: She’s not here because she left me today.

Heidi: Your wife left you on your birthday?

Gene: Yes. Today is the two week mark after her second Pfizer shot. She said that she was finally free.

Alex: Oh! I’m sorry, man.

Gene: That’s okay. This is still nice. A nice quiet sad birthday dinner.

[There are two performers at the stage]

DJ Balls: TGI Friday’s outdoor dining area, make some noise for my man Gene on his birthday!

Gemma: Pew, pew, pew. Happy birthday Gene.

Gene: Okay. What’s all this now?

Punkie: Well, we hired a band before we knew  you were sad.

DJ Balls: Okay. This one goes out to Gene and his gorgeous faithful wife Lisa. That crazy covid couldn’t keep their love down.

Gemma: Aw, so sweet.

DJ Balls: So tonight, instead of going six feet apart, they’re going six inches deep. What? What?

Alex: Gene, do you want to go home?

Gene: No, I’m fine. I mean, they’re good.

DJ Balls: Alright, let’s do this.

Gemma: [singing badly] one shot, two shot, three shot, four
Pfizer’s got so much more
who knows what this vaccine’s for?
Only shot I need is yours

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: Give me that sharp sensation

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore.

DJ Balls: Right there. Thank you. Okay. So, if you’re wondering who we are, I’m DJ Balls.

Gemma: And I’m Gemma. I’m British.

DJ Balls: And tell me what you told me about the UK.

Gemma: We totally spread wide open now.

DJ Balls: Wow. Wide open. Yeah. How sexy is that? Birthday boy, sure. He sure thinks so. Look at him.

Gemma: Barry, stop.

DJ Balls: No. Look at him. He’s trying so hard to hold his thing down, he’s about to poke out of the top is his collar.

Heidi: Gene, are you aroused?

Gene: I don’t think so.

DJ Balls: Wait, Gene? Gene Diradusio? Is that you? No way! It’s me, man! Darrius John Balls. DJ Balls.

Gene: Oh my god.

Punkie: Wait, Gene. You know musicians?

Gene: No. I know him from a pickup artist workshop that we took together.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But then you married that crazy girl Lisa.

Gemma: Aw, so lucky. A love love. It’s little things, you know?

Gene: Well, she left. She got tired of being in quarantine with me.

Gemma: Aw, cuddles to you. Quarantine’s really hard. I had to learn how to do me own bum bleeching.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But I tell you, you got it down, trust me. Because that little thing glows in the dark.

Gemma: Barry!

DJ Balls: Hey, Gene, what’s wrong? Is what we’re talking about making your boys blue?

Gemma: Babe, don’t make me laugh. I’m afraid I’ll toot and it really hurts because of bleaching.

Gene: Okay. Maybe I think I’ll go.

Heidi: Wait. Because your boys are blue? Do you want to go and take care of that, Gene?

Gene: No. I’m not blue. I mean, I guess I am a little bit about my wife leaving.

Gemma: Aw! Then we’re dedicating this next song to you and your wife.

[singing] Feeling naughty
because I got those antibodies
but I got nobody
to feel my body
cause I lost my hottie
and I think he forgot me

I miss you babe, I’ll let you do whatever

I’m Gemma.

DJ Balls: Wow! Oh my god! Look at Gene. He’s hard as a math problem. His eyes are watering from the pressure of holding that thing down.

Chris: Oh, Gene, are you feeling pressure down there? Your eyes are watery.

Gene: Because I’m crying. That song made me think about my wife.

Gemma: Aw, don’t be sad. You’ll see her again in heaven.

Gene: She’s not dead. Oh, that’s great news. Girl power.

Alex: Wait, Gene. You just got a text on your phone from Lisa.

All: Read it! Read it!

Gene: It says – Gene, I made a mistake. Please forgive me. I’m waiting for you at home.

Heidi: Gene, go to her.

Gene: I’m going to. I just can’t stand up right now.

DJ Balls: Oh, Gene. I knew your boys were blue.

Gemma: Aw, another happy ending.

DJ Balls: Speaking of– [plays music]

[singing] Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore

Gemma with Dwayne Johnson 2

Vanessa Bayer

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Dwayne Johnson

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]

Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.

Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?

Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.

[Vanessa and Gene hug]

[Dwayne and Gemma walk in]

Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.

Gemma: Coming by.

Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.

Gemma: Grab my hand?

Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.

Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.

Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.

Gemma: Alright.

Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?

Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?

Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?

Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?

Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?

Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?

Gene: I hope not.

Vanessa: Just don’t!

Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.

Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.

[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?

Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”

Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?

Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.

Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.

[ride starts]

Dwayne: Ay! Ay!

Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.

Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.

Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”

Dwayne: Yeah.

Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’

Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.

Dwayne: Gene, Duck!

[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]

Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?

Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.

Vanessa: Well, may name–

Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!

[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]

Vanessa: Why?

Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.

Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.

Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.

Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous

[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!

Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?

Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!

[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[The ride is over.]

Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.

Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.

Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.

Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!

[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]

Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.

Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.

Vanessa: But I don’t want to.

Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?

[Water splashes on Vanessa again]

Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.

[The ride starts again]

Gemma and Ricky

Vanessa Bayer

Jean… Kenan Thompson

Ricky Diamonds… Benedict Cumberbatch

Jemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Vanessa and Jean having dinner at a nice restaurant]

Vanessa: Well, Jean, I have to hand it to you. Atlantic city isn’t all gross. I mean Bobby Flay Steak house? Fancy!

Jean: And? Bobby Flay is your celebrity hall pass.

Vanessa: Jean, you’re not supposed to know that.

Jean: Oh, I’m not judging. Mine is Miller Kunis as Meg from Family Guy.

Vanessa: Fair enough, Mr.

[Vanessa and Jean are hugging]

[Ricky Diamonds and Jemma walk in. Ricky Diamonds is wearing leather jacket and has long black hair. Jemma is a very fancy girl.]

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god, Jean? Of course, my best bro Jean’s getting some hot public action.

Jean: Excuse me?

Ricky Diamonds: Jean, don’t be selfish. Tag your boy in.

Jemma: [strong accent] Babe, I’m not standing right here. I’m Jemma.

Jean: I’m sorry. Who are you again?

Ricky Diamonds: It’s me, Ricky Diamonds. We met in that male body acceptance workshop?

Jean: Oh, right.

Vanessa: Um, what’s a male body acceptance workshop?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh, I had to look at your husband’s junk and tell him what I found beautiful about it.

Jemma: And I’m Jemma.

Ricky Diamonds: Scoot over. We have to catch up.

Vanessa: Oh, you know, we’re just sort of doing like, a date night.

[Ricky Diamonds and Jemma sit in the same booth.]

Ricky Diamonds: Ah! Then you’re gonna love it when you hear what I do. I am a rock n’ roll mentalist. That means I do like, magic to rock n’ roll music. And this is Jemma.

Jemma: I’m British.

Ricky Diamonds: How great is that accent? She sounds like a GPS. Go on. Do it.

Jemma: [acting like GPS] Recalculating. Recalculating.

Jean: Oh. Oh. So–

Ricky Diamonds: How did we meet?

Jemma: We met at the plastic surgeons. We were about to get our tits doen.

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Coz I need that good cleavage for my magic shows.

Vanessa: You do?

[Ricky Diamonds gets Vanessa’s hand and makes her feel his chest]

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah, look, here. Feel. Feels real, right? But it’s not. I paid for it. Now feel her’s. [Ricky Diamonds puts Vanessa’s hand on Jemma’s breasts] Feels real too, right?

Jemma: Mine’s not paid for yet. Still got to balance. So, I’m gonna have to give him back. So I’m thinking of doing like, kickstarter. Can I count on you? I need a little bit of help.

Jean: Well, I guess we could chip in a little bit.

Vanessa: Jean!

Ricky Diamonds: Hey, wanna see a trick?

Vanessa: Not really.

Jemma: Yeah, magic. Magic. Do a trick, babe.

Ricky Diamonds: It’s not a trick babe, it’s an illusion. [Ricky Diamonds pulls out a deck of cards] Okay, pick a card. [Vanessa starts following instructions] Any card. And put it back in the deck. Don’t show me. And put the deck in your mouth.

Vanessa: What?

Ricky Diamonds: Now Jean, can you confirm that this is a real gun?

[Ricky Diamonds passes a gun to Jean]

Jean: Yeah. It’s a real gun. And it’s fully loaded.

Vanessa: [with a deck of cards in her mouth] What? Am I going to get shot?

Jean: Oh, no, no. You’re not going to get shot. It’s a trick.

[Jemma puts a napkin on her head covering her face]

Jemma: Okay, so I’m gonna put a napkin on my head, right? I can’t see nothing. Alright, here we go. [Jemma points the gun forward] One, two–

Jean: No, no. You’re aiming at me. One foot to the left.

Vanessa: Hey!

Jemma: Okay.

Jean: It’s a trick, honey!

Jemma: Here we go.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Excuse me. You can’t have guns in here.

Jemma: No, it’s a magic trick.

[The waiter takes away the gun]

Waiter: Yeah, well, I have to take it up front.

Ricky Diamonds: But dude, I’m in a middle of illusion? Would you treat Chris Angel this way?

Waiter: Who?

Ricky Diamonds: Oh my god! What a dumb dork! You don’t know who Chris Angel is? Seriously, you’re a dumb dork, dude!

Jemma: Babe, should I take the napkin off my head now?

Ricky Diamonds: Yeah. Magic’s over. Sorry Jean, Jemma can shoot your wife outside.

Vanessa: Okay. You know, it’s been a long night. So we’re just–

Ricky Diamonds: No, wait. Don’t let that dork ruin my fun. My girl here is a singer.

Jemma: I’m a singer.

Ricky Diamonds: Sing a song, babe.

Jemma: It’s called Magic. Give me a beat, babe.

[Ricky Diamonds starts tapping on the table]

[singing] DJ brought the magic last night
casting spells on the dance floor
hypnotize, mesmerize,
magic hat, I know of that
cast a spell, just as well
Harry Potter thinks he’s got a
five, four, three, two, whoop!
She’s gone!

Ricky Diamonds: Babe, if you were trying to get the whole table hard as rock, you succeeded. I know Jean’s hard. I can tell by how he’s squiggling in his seat.

Jean: What? Who is squiggling? Not me.

Vanessa: Hah! You are! You are re-arranging something.

Jean: Well, can’t you just be appreciative that it can still happen?

Vanessa: [smiling] I guess so.

Jemma: Aw, they’re in love again. All because of my song. Five, four, three, two, whoop!

She’s gone!