Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Bathroom Gender

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week voters rejected the Houston equal rights ordinance which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, how you doing? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law was voted down because [Cut to Pete Davidson] some people claim it’s just an excuse to allow guys in women’s restrooms. You know? The theory is that men in their relentless quest to watch women go to the bathroom are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their names, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for that big payoff of peeing in a room without urinals. What is this fantasy that they think is going on in there? There is not shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball.

I grew up with a mom and a sister, so I know a little something about sharing a room, like, a bathroom with women. It sucks. Nobody wants to hangout in there. Last week I accidentally walked in on my mom in the toilet and I don’t think we’re ever gonna speak again.

Even if for some reason you’re desperate to use women’s bathrooms, you don’t need a sex change to do it. You could just walk in. There’s no bouncer. The door is right there. Seriously, I’ve been using the ladies room here to poop for the last two months.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. We’ve actually gotten a lot of complaints.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, from me. It’s filthy in there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It looks like a man made out of toilet paper was murdered in there.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Then why do you keep using it?

Pete Davidson: Because it’s the only bathroom that has wifi. And Cecily has a beautiful singing voice. [Cut to Pete Davidson] That was my favorite line.

[Colin Jost laughing hard]

Look, you know why I’m not worried about a woman in the men’s room? Coz every sporting even I’ve ever been to, a girls has bursted in and said, “Line’s too long. I’m peeing in here.” And guess what? It didn’t ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it’s the only reason I washed my hands.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Changing Gender Roles

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study says that 40% of American households have a woman as the primary breadwinner, suggesting that traditional gender roles may be changing. Here with her thought on the subject is our own, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo!

[cheers and applause]

Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, Leslie. Now, do you think that gender roles are changing?

Leslie Jones: Hell, yeah, you tall glass of egg-whites.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Gender roles are changing. Especially men, because y’all man-bitches now. You know those little hair-less boys crammed into skinny jeans texting about their feelings with emojis? Emojis! I don’t want no damn smiley face or no thumbs up, and no man should ever be sending me the word “Yay”. Not even if you on a roller-coaster. This one dude that I was sexed in with, he sent me that little eggplant. And I was like, “That’s racist.” But then my friend told me that eggplant was supposed to be a penis. And I was like, “What penises are you looking at?” Don’t send me vegetables. Send me some real.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay now, so Leslie, you want guys to send you pictures of their junk?

Leslie Jones: You’re damn right I do, you tingly white crisp-strip thing. I just want to have you in all night.

Colin Jost: Oh! Well, right back at you, you delicious chocolate–

Leslie Jones: No, stop!

Colin Jost: No? Okay.

Leslie Jones: It only work when I do it.

Colin Jost: I get that.

Leslie Jones: When I do it, it roll.

Colin Jost: I apologize.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Listen man-bitches. Don’t send me in any pictures of that shaved junk either. I want it to be a mess down there. Not that smooth polished junk like you don’t wanna get a scratch on coz I’m going to scratch it up. I even went to Italy and they was just man-bitches with accents, Colin. I mean, there was this one little dude who started kissing me, but then his drunk friend started puking everywhere. So, my little pies on had to take him home. And that’s what a man-bitch does. You know what I’m saying? Coz a real man leaves his sick friend on the couch and takes me upstairs and put his gladiator into my Colosseum.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: Are you entertained?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was about gender roles.

[The End]