Tag: Genie

Jasmine and Aladdin

Aladdin… Pete Davidson

Jasmine… Kim Kardashian

Jourtney… Cecily Strong

Ezekiel Elliott… Kenan Thompson

Genie… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Disney channel. We now return to the 1992 Aladdin when Aladdin was still white.

[Cut to Aladdin with Jasmine flying on his carpet.]

Aladdin: Wow. From up here, we can see the entire middle east where I’m from.

Jasmine: This is so beautiful, Aladdin. I’ve never got to see what it’s like outside of the palace. But it’s even better seeing it with you.

Aladdin: Jasmine, there’s something I need to tell you.

Jasmine: What? What’s the matter? Do you feel self-conscious because I’m the daughter of the sultan and you’re just a low street rat?

Aladdin: Oh, I think street rat might be a slur but okay. It’s not that.

Jasmine: Are you intimidated that I’m friends with a ton of wealthy celebrities and your only friend is a monkey?

Aladdin: Again, not nice. But it’s something else. Jasmine, as we start getting more intimate, I’m just a little concerned that physically I can’t handle you.

Jasmine: What do you mean?

Aladdin: I mean that if we go all the way, you might break me. My thing might just break.

Jasmine: Don’t be silly.

Aladdin: I wish I was being silly. But look at us. You’re a lot of woman and I’m so frail because all I eat is stolen bread.

Jasmine: Aladdin, relax. I really like you. I really do.

Aladdin: And I really like you too. I want to do everything with you. See the world and laugh together and sing songs and do sex.

Jasmine: I wouldn’t call it doing sex.

Aladdin: I’m just– I’m worried that if I try to go in, I might not make it in all the way there.

Jasmine: Aladdin, don’t worry. I’m sure you’re more than enough man for me.

Aladdin: Ah! Thanks, Jasmine. Hey, out of curiosity, what were your other boyfriends like?

Jasmine: Well, I guess I dated a few athletes and some rappers, and I dated the king of Uganda for a while and that was crazy.

[Aladdin fake laughing]

[Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott come near Aladdin and Jasmine flying on their own carpet. Ezekiel Elliott is holding a football.]

Jourtney: Oh, hey, Jasmine. Cool carpet.

Jasmine: Hey, Jourtney. [to Aladdin] That’s my sister, Jourtney. We all have ‘J’ names.

Jourtney: And this is my new boyfriend, Ezekiel Elliott, of the Dallas Cowboys.

Ezekiel Elliott: What’s up, Jasmine? Ay, little dude! Jasmine taking you on a little carpet ride for your little birthday?

Aladdin: You don’t have to say little in front of everything. It’s actually my carpet.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh, that’s nice. Little guy’s got his own little carpet.

Jourtney: You like sports, little guy?

Ezekiel Elliott: Ay, you want autographed ball for your little birthday?

Aladdin: I don’t. I mean, sure. Yeah. Actually, yeah.

Ezekiel Elliott: What is it? Al-ladda? You know what? I’ma just put little Al. [signs the ball and passes it to Aladdin. Aladdin misses the catch.] There you go, buddy.

Jourtney: Oh, his tiny hands dropped the ball.

Ezekiel Elliott: Oh! Bye, Jasmine. Bye, little Al.

Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott: Whee! [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott fly away]

Jasmine: Okay, now, where were we?

Aladdin: Jasmine, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I want to but when you sat on my lap the other day, I think you could feel how much wanted to.

Jasmine: Oh. I thought that was just a roll of life savers.

Aladdin: Alright. That’s it. Genie, please, Genie.

[Genie appears]

Genie: You summoned?

Aladdin: Yeah. I’m ready to use my third wish.

Genie: Oh wow. The one you were saving to set me free?

Aladdin: Yeah, we’re gonna scrap that. You see, I want you to make me like pinocchio, but like, down there.

Jasmine: You don’t have to wish for that.

Genie: It’s fine. They always promise me freedom but at the end of the day, it’s always bigger penis. As you wish!

[Aladdin looks at his penis]

Aladdin: Oh! Wow! Thanks, Genie. Check it out, Jasmine.

Jasmine: Wow, that is better. Even though it’s the wrong color. But you really didn’t have to do that. I mean, I like you just the way you are. Now, are you gonna kiss me or not?

Aladdin: I sure am, Jasmine.

[Aladdin kisses Jasmine]

[looks at his penis again] Move over, king of Uganda! Oh, no! He didn’t give me balls!

Genie: [singing] A whole new world

Girlfriends Game Night

Aidy Bryant

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Genie… Cecily Strong

Horace… Bill Hader.

[Starts with three ladies waiting for

Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?

Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.

Melissa: They? Oh, my god.

Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?

Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?

Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.

Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–

[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]

Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?

Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.

Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.

Horace: Uh-huh.

Aidy: That’s so romantic.

Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French.  Horace, speak some French to them.

Horace: No. [laughing]

Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.

[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]

Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?

Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.

Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?

Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?

Horace: Okay.

Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?

Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.

Horace: I’m ready.

Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?

Horace: Genie, it’s here now?

Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.

Melissa: What’s here?

Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.

Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.

Anna: Wait. What are you doing?

Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.

[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]

Melissa: Why?

Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.

[Horace is shouting]

Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.

Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.

Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.

Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.

Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.

Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.

Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.

Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.

Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?

Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.

Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.

Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.

Horace: Oh, yeah!

Genie: My cards are terrible.

Horace: Oh, yeah.

Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.

Horace: You can change your cards if you want.

Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.

Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.

Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.

Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?

Aidy: Actually, yeah.

Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.

Horace: You know what? No.

[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]

You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.

Genie: Oh!

Anna: Yeah.

Aidy: You’re right.

Melissa: We are sorry.

Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.

[Horace starts screaming]

Genie: Horace?

[The End]