Aladdin… Pete Davidson
Jasmine… Kim Kardashian
Jourtney… Cecily Strong
Ezekiel Elliott… Kenan Thompson
Genie… Bowen Yang[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: You’re watching the Disney channel. We now return to the 1992 Aladdin when Aladdin was still white.[Cut to Aladdin with Jasmine flying on his carpet.]
Aladdin: Wow. From up here, we can see the entire middle east where I’m from.
Jasmine: This is so beautiful, Aladdin. I’ve never got to see what it’s like outside of the palace. But it’s even better seeing it with you.
Aladdin: Jasmine, there’s something I need to tell you.
Jasmine: What? What’s the matter? Do you feel self-conscious because I’m the daughter of the sultan and you’re just a low street rat?
Aladdin: Oh, I think street rat might be a slur but okay. It’s not that.
Jasmine: Are you intimidated that I’m friends with a ton of wealthy celebrities and your only friend is a monkey?
Aladdin: Again, not nice. But it’s something else. Jasmine, as we start getting more intimate, I’m just a little concerned that physically I can’t handle you.
Jasmine: What do you mean?
Aladdin: I mean that if we go all the way, you might break me. My thing might just break.
Jasmine: Don’t be silly.
Aladdin: I wish I was being silly. But look at us. You’re a lot of woman and I’m so frail because all I eat is stolen bread.
Jasmine: Aladdin, relax. I really like you. I really do.
Aladdin: And I really like you too. I want to do everything with you. See the world and laugh together and sing songs and do sex.
Jasmine: I wouldn’t call it doing sex.
Aladdin: I’m just– I’m worried that if I try to go in, I might not make it in all the way there.
Jasmine: Aladdin, don’t worry. I’m sure you’re more than enough man for me.
Aladdin: Ah! Thanks, Jasmine. Hey, out of curiosity, what were your other boyfriends like?
Jasmine: Well, I guess I dated a few athletes and some rappers, and I dated the king of Uganda for a while and that was crazy.[Aladdin fake laughing] [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott come near Aladdin and Jasmine flying on their own carpet. Ezekiel Elliott is holding a football.]
Jourtney: Oh, hey, Jasmine. Cool carpet.
Jasmine: Hey, Jourtney. [to Aladdin] That’s my sister, Jourtney. We all have ‘J’ names.
Jourtney: And this is my new boyfriend, Ezekiel Elliott, of the Dallas Cowboys.
Ezekiel Elliott: What’s up, Jasmine? Ay, little dude! Jasmine taking you on a little carpet ride for your little birthday?
Aladdin: You don’t have to say little in front of everything. It’s actually my carpet.
Ezekiel Elliott: Oh, that’s nice. Little guy’s got his own little carpet.
Jourtney: You like sports, little guy?
Ezekiel Elliott: Ay, you want autographed ball for your little birthday?
Aladdin: I don’t. I mean, sure. Yeah. Actually, yeah.
Ezekiel Elliott: What is it? Al-ladda? You know what? I’ma just put little Al. [signs the ball and passes it to Aladdin. Aladdin misses the catch.] There you go, buddy.
Jourtney: Oh, his tiny hands dropped the ball.
Ezekiel Elliott: Oh! Bye, Jasmine. Bye, little Al.
Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott: Whee! [Jourtney and Ezekiel Elliott fly away]
Jasmine: Okay, now, where were we?
Aladdin: Jasmine, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I want to but when you sat on my lap the other day, I think you could feel how much wanted to.
Jasmine: Oh. I thought that was just a roll of life savers.
Aladdin: Alright. That’s it. Genie, please, Genie.[Genie appears]
Genie: You summoned?
Aladdin: Yeah. I’m ready to use my third wish.
Genie: Oh wow. The one you were saving to set me free?
Aladdin: Yeah, we’re gonna scrap that. You see, I want you to make me like pinocchio, but like, down there.
Jasmine: You don’t have to wish for that.
Genie: It’s fine. They always promise me freedom but at the end of the day, it’s always bigger penis. As you wish![Aladdin looks at his penis]
Aladdin: Oh! Wow! Thanks, Genie. Check it out, Jasmine.
Jasmine: Wow, that is better. Even though it’s the wrong color. But you really didn’t have to do that. I mean, I like you just the way you are. Now, are you gonna kiss me or not?
Aladdin: I sure am, Jasmine.[Aladdin kisses Jasmine] [looks at his penis again] Move over, king of Uganda! Oh, no! He didn’t give me balls!
Genie: [singing] A whole new world