Rony… Beck Bennett
Cecily Strong
Lauren Holt
Andrew Dismukes
Oral… Bowen Yang
Genital… Chloe Fineman
Spike… Timothée Chalamet
Spanish Influenza… Melissa Villaseñor
Male voice: And now, a Rona family Christmas.
Rony: I can’t believe 2020 is almost over. I’m gonna miss it.
Cecily: I know. We’ve been traveling non-stop all year. China, Italy, New York, Florida. How great is Florida?
Rony: Oh, so great. I just wish we had a break for more holiday parties. I mean, how many can the White House throw?
Cecily: Oh! Oh-oh! I think I know who that is.
Hey, my baby girl’s home.
Daughter: Hi, mom.
Cecily: How was your first semester at college?
Daughter: Oh, it was incredible. It took out like, a whole dorm.
Cecily: Oh. We are so proud of you, honey.
Rony: Our little girl’s a super spreader.
Daughter: Oh. And I wanted you guys to meet this guy I’ve started mutating with.
Andrew: Hi.
Daughter: Not to put him on the spot, but we did meet on the contact tracing app.
Andrew: Yes. I swabbed her right.
Daughter: Yes, and he’s kind of famous.
Andrew: Oh well, I guess a little.
Daughter: Oh, come on. Tell them.
Andrew: Alright. It’s not big deal. I was the one who infected Hanks.
Cecily: Tom Hanks?
Rony: Wow! That was basically the Super Bowl of infections. What do you do next?
Andrew: I’m going to Disney World.
All: Laughing.
Rony: Hey! This one’s a keeper.
Cecily: Wait. Now, who is that?
Couple: Hi.
Oral: It’s your neighbors. We just wanted to pop out of nowhere and say hello.
Cecily: Well, this is a surprise. Honey, have you met the herpes?
Daughter: I haven’t, actually. Even though, statistically, I probably should have.
Oral: I’m Oral and this is my wife Genital.
Genital: Please call me Jen.
Spike: Hey! What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to introduce them to your other child?
Rony: Wow, look who’s awake before it’s 6PM, just in time to start drinking.
Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I a little disinfected? At least I’m not a hoax like rest of this family.
Genital: Sorry, maybe now is not a good time.
Oral: Yes. It’s like, the herpes always show up when you’re stressed out.
Cecily: I’m sorry.
Genital: No, no. It’s fine. We’ll come back.
Oral: We always do.
Cecily: Well, that was incredibly rude.
Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Are my proteins not perfect like my little sis? Back from her first semester of the University of Phoenix in person?
Rony: We gave you every opportunity. We paid to send you to New Zealand and now look, zero cases. People are going to concerts there. It’s a disgrace.
Cecily: Think of your poor grandmother, Spanish Influenza.
Spanish Influenza: Come on! Give me a kiss, I’ll kill you.
Cecily: Now, she infected the whole world and that was before airplanes.
Spanish Influenza: Ai. Uno Ve Sito. I kill everyone.
Rony: If you don’t start infecting again, your career’s over. You’re gonna end up like those washed up viruses on “Dancing With the SARS”.
Cecily: Maybe you’d feel better if you dined indoors more.
Spike: Hey! I’m just following Cuomo’s ‘Stay at home’ order.
Rony: You do not mention Cuomo in this household.
Spike: Why not? A lot of people say he’s the only real leader in this country right now.
Rony: You know damn well that President Trump is the only one looking out for us. We wouldn’t still be here without Trump.
Cecily: And Trump introduced us to everyone he knows. Even after he was infected. Now that’s the class act.
Daughter: Guys. Do we really need to talk politics right now?
Rony: Your brother is living in the clouds when he should be living on surfaces.
Spike: Oh yeah? Well I heard you’re not even deadlier than the regular flu.
Cecily: Spike! You take that back!
Rony: No, no. Let the big man talk. You think you’re big enough to hit your old man?
Daughter: Dad, stop.
Spike: Are you even my dad? Maybe mom just landed on a lung cell and replicated.
Rony: Sometimes I wish you weren’t my son.
Spike: Oh yeah? Well it must be Christmas because your wish just came true. I’m getting the vaccine.
Spike: Watch me. Pretty soon, I’ll have the antibodies.
Rony: He’s joining the radical ANTIBO.
Cecily: Why are you doing this to us?
Spike: Because mom, you never had time for me. You never went to a single one of my NFL games. Dad’s been so focused on the second wave, he can’t even hear his first born son crying out for help.
Cecily: Rony, say something.
Rony: You’re a great virus, son. Your laughter has always been so infectious and you gave those tigers at the Bronx zoo covid, remember? I don’t know how the hell you pulled that off.
Spike: I snuck in their butts.
Rony: I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you.
Cecily: We all, we have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. To think at this time last year, we were just a glimmer in the eye of a sick bat. I know the odds are stacked against us, but maybe 2021 will be even better.
Daughter: And we were going to wait to tell you this, but we are engaged.
Andrew: Yeah. And we’re moving in to Rudy Giuliani.
All: Yay! [celebrating]