Host… Beck Bennett
Georgina… Leslie Jones
Clair… Melissa Villaseñor
Emma Thompson
Aidy Bryant
Alex Moffat
[Starts with intro of Chopped]
Host: Four chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges using the ingredients in their mastery basket. Now, only two remain, Georgina and Clair. Who will it be?
[Cut Georgina and Clair shaking hands] Georgina: You did some great cooking out there. I think either one of us could win.
[Cut to Clair]
Clair: I think you could win or could win.
[Cut to Georgina]
Georgina: That’s what I just said.
[Cut to the judges and the host]
Host: Judges, those were some really tricky baskets. But after three rounds what do you think?
[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Clair making her dishes]
Emma Thompson: Well, going back to the appetizer round, Clair really made very great use of those artichoke hearts.
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, they were so crispy.
Alex Moffat: Yeah, and she wasn’t thrown by the loose sugar.
Emma Thompson: But she had a harder time with the five-pound horse penis.
[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Georgina making her dishes]
Georgina had problems too. Her appetizer was supposed to be an artichoke slider.
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but it was actually just a kitten on a hamburger bun.
[Cut to the host]
Host: What did you think of the salad?
[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the salads]
Alex Moffat: Her salad seemed like an afterthought. And she overdressed it.
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, it didn’t need the full tuxedo. Just a tie would have been fine.
Emma Thompson: And Clair seemed to be just pretending to wash her hands.
Aidy Bryant: Yeah, she didn’t even touch the water.
[Cut to the host]
Host: Let’s move on to the main course round.
[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the contestants making their dishes] Alex Moffat: I thought the way Clair incorporated the marshmallow fluff into her steak sauce was really clever.
Aidy Bryant: You know what? But, my steak was raw.
Emma Thompson: Raw like the temperature or raw like it had a mouth and kept using the ‘C’ word?
Aidy Bryant: That one.
Emma Thompson: Okay.
Emma Thompson: I thought Georgina served a really nice plate of food.
Alex Moffat: Well, she served me divorce papers. And now she has half of everything.
[Cut to the host]
Host: But you have full custody of her kid.
[Cut to Alex]
Alex Moffat: Yes.
[Cut to Emma and Aidy]
Aidy Bryant: But kid like goat, right?
[Cut to Alex playing with a goat]
Alex Moffat: Yes.
[Cut to the host]
Host: Let’s talk about dessert.
[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]
Aidy Bryant: You know, Georgina was really determined that she was going to get to that ice cream machine first.
[Cut to video clip of Georgina shooting Clair to get to the machine first]
[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]
Emma Thompson: I just wish she had transformed the candy cigarette. Because she just stuck it in the ice cream.
Alex Moffat: Yeah, along with some real cigarettes.
[Cut to the host]
Host: Sounds like you could make a case for either one to be ‘Chopped’ champion.
[Cut to Emma]
Emma Thompson: But one stood out.
[Cut to the host]
Host: Okay. So, whose dish is on the chopping block? [Cut to Georgina and Clair getting nervous to know about the result]
[The host opens the chopping block. There is a cat in the bun.]
Chef Georgina, you’ve been chopped.
[Cut to Georgina]
Georgina: You know, I’m definitely disappointed and maybe I’m not the ‘Chopped’ champion. But I never signed a release. So, y’all can’t use any of this. Suck it.
[Cut to the host]
Host: And that means chef Clair is the new ‘Chopped’ champion.
Clair: Yes!
[Cut to Alex]
Alex Moffat: Let me know when the cameras are off. [Alex is trying to eat the cat]