Weekend Update Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Romantic Summer Getaways

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well with COVID restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. Here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in] [cheers and applause]

The guy: Bonjour Co-Jo. Molto bellissima. Guess who’s got two tickets to bump and thighs Yes.

Colin Jost: All right, man. I’m already regretting this, but let’s hear some of your travel tips.

The guy: You gotta Co-JJ. Now let’s talk best plays to get the best lays on vacays, okay? Take your new girl to the old world. The South of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French riviera to see knees cans. Soon she’ll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don’t just stay in France amigos, as many women have told me you’ve actually got to move around down there. So hop a train. Euro rail is your ticket to Euro tail. So many choice stops, maybe try Berlin to rail her in. And before you know it, you’ll be exploring her black forest and she’ll be moaning in your ear “This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Come on, man.

The guy: Oh yeah. Come on, I shall. Now if you don’t want to be an Algo Americano, you got to blend in with the low calls Jost. So grab a guidebook and remember, Rick Steves leads to slick bebes. And there’s nothing scarier than a language barrier, a little Duolingo and you’ll be doing Lingus. [foreign language] Mi jamon es muy pequeñito.

Colin Jost: Your ham is tiny?

The guy: Si, abuelita. Speaking of small servings, head to Barcelona and sample the local tap ass or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost. We’re talking Italy, okay? And to get your bologna into some pussa-tano, don’t forget about her Naples, if you want her to gobble goo.

Colin Jost: Hh my god.

The guy: We made it.

Colin Jost: Some people are like, visibly sick. Why would any woman want to be with you?

The guy: Well, I have to admit Co-Jo, I have driven many lady to the Isle of Lesbos.

Colin Jost: Oh, man.

The guy: In my boat Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Guy had just bought a boat everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum on Winter Getaways

Michael Che

Carrie Krum

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures dropping, people are looking to escape winter blues by heading to warmer climates. Here with her insider tips is 7th grade travel expert, Carrie Krum.

[Carrie slides in]

Carrie: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Carrie. So, how was your holidays?

Carrie: Awesome. Yeah, I bit into a cherry chocolate and there was alcohol inside of it. But don’t worry Michael, I wasn’t driving.

Michael Che: So, Carrie, what are some destinations where people can head this winter?

Carrie: Oh, I’m glad you asked me Michael. [Cut to Carrie] A destination will impress is none other than my uncle’s house in Lincoln, Nebraska. It’s got a fridge in the garage, a dog on it’s way out with both his eyes that look like milky moons. And an elliptical where I saw boys bathing suit was drying. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… There was a net inside.

Michael Che: Alright Carrie. I was thinking of warmer destination. Like a beach.

Carrie: Oh. Got you. [Cut to Carrie] Well, you wan fun in the sun then head to Muskegon, Michigan. We had a magical night at my cousin’s basketball tournament where I drank a Red Gator and which made me look like I was wearing lipstick. And then, I took a wrong turn into the boys locker room where I saw a big boy changing. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… On his belly, there was hairs.

[Carrie taps on Michael Che’s hand for attention]

Michael Che: Okay. Um, what about somewhere like Florida. You ever been to Florida?

Carrie: Oh, baby! Have I, right girls? Oh, I was the queen of the Panhandle visiting my mom’s aunt Agnus. Michael, she is living the life. [Cut to Carrie] Her bed is in the living room. And it has a remote control. Oh, what? Am I dreaming? And she gave me a candy for every page of the bible that I read out loud to her. And do you know what it says in the bible? [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… Michael… Jesus rode an ass. [laughing] That’s been getting me for days.

Michael Che: Well, Carrie, it sound like you had a great winter break.

Carrie: Well, not New Year’s eve.

Michael Che: Oh! Why didn’t you like New Year’s eve?

Carrie: Because my cousin gave me Mountain Dew soup, Michael.

Michael Che: What? Mountain Dew soup?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Well, it’s Mountain Dew in a bowl that you eat with a spoon. And I had too much and then I ran into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Carrie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Carrie: Yeah. And then I barfed.

Michael Che: Carrie!

Carrie: And it was green so everyone called me Slimer.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody.

Carrie: Halsie gave me five bucks.