Tina… Kate McKinnon
Don… James Franco
Heidi Gardner
Beck Bennett
Leslie Jones
Kenan Thompson
[Starts with a customer packing her gift at the wrapping department]Tina: And that’s one freshly wrapped Xbox, courtesy of your friendly Bloomingdale’s gift wrapping department.
Don: Hang on, let me just fluff your bow. Can’t send you home with a fluffy bow.
Heidi: Thank you. How much do I owe you?
Don: Oh, you’ve been such a super sweet customer. I think I’m gonna have to waive the $5 charge. This one’s on me. Now, Merry Christmas.
Heidi: Merry Christmas to you.
[Heidi walks out]Tina: Wow. Don, you’re so great with the customers. I don’t know how you do it.
Don: Ah, because I’m a freaky nut for Christmas? That’s how. I live for this. Don’t you?
Tina: It’s fine.
[Beck walks in]Beck: Hi. Can I get this barbie doll wrapped for my niece?
Don: Wow! Oh, yeah. She’s gonna have the best Christmas ever flip in life.
Beck: I hope so. She is pretty special.
[Don takes a wrapping paper and starts wrapping the gift]Don: Oh, I know she will, sir. That is my Christmas guarantee. [Don hurts his finger] Oh! Ou!
Tina: Are you okay?
Don: Yeah. I just– just a little paper cut. It’s a hazard of the trade. No big. Now, The secret to good gift wrapping is a nice clean crease. [Don is wrapping the gift very badly because of the injury, and he is bleeding all over the gift. It’s all messed up.]
Tina: Don, Do you need a band aid?
Don: I don’t think so. Don’t think so.
Beck: I think you do. You’re getting blood all over my niece’s gift.
Don: I can just cover that with the bow. Don’t worry. Oh, man. This is deeper than I thought. [His hands are all bloody] Yeah. My finger’s basically like a split hotdog right now.
Tina: Don, I think we need to get you to the medical center.
Don: [pointing his injured finger to Tina] Oh, pass, Tina. I got work to do.
Beck: This is bad. Are you on blood thinners?
Don: A few. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Okay, one last piece of tape and alright. [Don passes the badly wrapped gift to Beck] There you go, sir.
Beck: Oh, thank you. Where’s the return counter?
Don: It’s just over there. Oh, don’t forget your free candy cane over here, okay? [Don picks up the candies with his bloody hands. The candy container is filled with his blood.]
Beck: Oh, Jesus!
[Beck runs away]Tina: Hey, Don, can we please go find the store nurse now?
Don: Tina, it’s nothing. I just need a little pressure on it. it’s gonna stop any second. Okay?
[Don puts his finger in his mouth]Tina: Is your mouth filling with blood right now? Don?
[Don is shaking his head no] [Leslie and Kenan walk in]Leslie: Hi, are you free to wrap a gift?
Don: Umm.
[Don spits a lot of blood on Leslie’s face]Whoa! Oh! You are gift finding genius or what?
Kenan: Oh, my good lord! Good lord! What is happening?
[Leslie is disgusted]Don: Here. Your Christmas dreams are coming true. That’s what. Let me find my special chu-chu paper.
[Don is looking for a paper]Kenan: No. You know what? I think we’re good, man! Let’s get out of here.
[Leslie is trying to say something to Don but she can’t speak because she is disgusted.]Are you alright?
Don: Here we go. Look. [Don brings out the paper] Don’t be silly. You’re gonna love this paper. [Don is already bleeding over the wrapping paper] You just got to chop a little bit of it.
[Don chops his another finger off his another hand]Kenan: [yelling] Oh! You just chopped your damn fingers out.
Don: Just a tip. Just a tip. That’s what she said! [Don is bleeding all over the place] I just wanna say something point. I think we may actually have a problem here.
Kenan: Yeah, man.
Leslie: Ew! Your’e spraying blood in my–
Don: No! The problem is I don’t have enough chu-chu paper. But look, you can pick any of the patterns on the wall behind me. [Don sprays blood all over the papers and wall behind.]
Kenan: No! Alright? That is it! We are out of here.
Leslie: No, I want– [can’t speak]
Tina: Don, this is way more than eight pints of blood. Will you please stop?
Don: Stop loving Christmas? Never. Just turn on the lights. I wanna show you something.
Tina: The lights are on. All the lights are on.
Don: Oh my god! Look, another roll of chu-chu paper. Let me cut the plastic up here. Hold it with my leg here. [Don pulls out his leg. His leg is already chopped off. Now he is bleeding off his leg too.] Oh! I just cut my leg off. Ha-ha-ha.
Kenan: You just 100% cut your damn foot off.
Don: Yeah. That’s what she said!
Tina: Please call an ambulance for all of us.
Kenan: No! I cannot deal with that. That is a foot!