Office Apology

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Linda Pillard… Scarlett Johansson

Mikey Day

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Amanda… Cecily Strong

David… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man announcing in his office]

Glen: Okay, if I can just get everybody’s attention. I know things got a little wild at last night’s holiday party. But I just want to be clear, this is still an office. And we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.

[Cut to the employees applausing] [Cut to Glen]

Glen: All right, that being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pillard.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Thank god.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And also our front desk guy, Charlie.

[Cut to the employees]

Everybody: Awe.

Janet: Not Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And if it’s okay, they’d both like to come up here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.

[Linda Pillard and Charlie comes out]

Linda Pillard: Hey, guys. I guess I had little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like and idiot.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, you think?

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: To Janet specially. I think I may have mentioned some of your past inter office relationships in front of everybody. And that wasn’t cool. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: And just to piggyback on that, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, when you going to break old Charlie off a piece of that too?” And then I shook my head, did a little dance, and said, “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

Janet: Oh, Charlie, you’re so silly.

Amanda: Charlie, you crack me up.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Right. And Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Oh, you guess? Well, I guess you’re still a rude ass bitch. And that’s why you’re getting fired.

[all employees clap] [Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, hey. All right. Let’s keep it clean.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Amanda! I saw that dress too. And after a few of them vodkas. I think I might have said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, that dress so short, all I see is donkey monkey.” Then I did a little dance. “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.” Out of line. I stand accused.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Okay, Charlie, don’t start nothing you finish.

David: Come on, Glen. You can’t fire Charlie. He’s Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: I’m not happy about this either, David. But this is above my pay grade.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Whatever. Anyway, David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.

[Cut to the employees]

David: Yep, and I kept telling you. Boston, you racist.

[the employees clap] [Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: To my man, Kung Fu.

David: Hey, Charlie. Lookie here, man, you know I had a couple of them bourbons last night and I maybe said something to you like, “Mm, man, if I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.” But I’m not so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow. And said “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

David:  Charlie, I really needed that. Thank you.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Nothing but love, Kung Fu.

Linda Pillard: Wait a minute. How is that not awful?

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s almost Christmas.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Trust me, did I everthing in my power to just fire Linda today.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What?

Charlie: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. don’t you worry about me, baby. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I’ll be stealing that ass. And it won’t just be my heart growing three sizes. Um, um. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: I really appreciate that, Charlie.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What the hell? It feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, my god! Get over yourself. It’s Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink.

Janet: We all did. It was a partly.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: But he’s still drinking right now.

Charlie: What this? Oh, this just a swallow to get me straight.

Linda Pillard: This is completely unfair.

Charlie: Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Why don’t you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?

Linda Pillard: What? You’re disgusting.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Oh, just take compliment.

David: Yeah, he’s just being sweet.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: You know what? Maybe she’s right. Maybe I did go too far. Is that why I’m getting fired?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Actually, that has nothing to do with why you’re getting fired. HR says your urine sample came back as Lipton iced tea.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, you notice that.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Yeah. And you printed out pornographic pictures on the office copier and left them there.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Oh, all right. So it did work.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Also a woman who identified herself as her wife spray painted cheater on the company van thinking it was yours.

[Cut to Charlie]

Charlie: Well, I guess what happens in DeKado comes back nine months later.

 

State Meeting | Season 44 Episode 12

Kenan

Glen… Pete Davidson

Tom… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Phil… Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Halsey

[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]

Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.

Glen: You going to get mad?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Mr. T.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.

[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]

Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.

Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.

Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?

[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]

Kyle Mooney: I have a question.

Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.

Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who is your hero?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.

Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?

Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Still wrong.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I just answered that.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What was the contest?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Blackest face.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Am I in hell?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you even ask?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: For next time.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.

Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.

[Cut to everyone]

Barbara: That is an awesome idea.

Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.

[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.] [Cut to Kenan]

Or the 90s.

[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.] [Cut to Kenan]

All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.

[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]

Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.

Tom: We can still do the voice, right?

Everyone: Yeah. Of course.