Tag: Go

Amazon Go`

[Starts with people entering a building using their phone at the entrance]

Female voice: Since 2018, Amazon has been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It’s Amazon Go.

Heidi: So I just grabbed what I want and leave?

Female voice: Yep.

Heidi: Wow, that’s so easy.

Female voice: Use the Amazon Go app to enter, then start shopping.

Alex: That’s it?

Female voice: That’s it? No lines. No checkouts.

Chloe: No problem.

Female voice: In an Amazon Go store, you can walk in grab what you want, put it in your bag and just go.

Kenan: Oh, you want me to just take something and walk out? Na, son.

Female voice: It’s so convenient.

Kenan: No, no, no. That’s a trap.

Female voice: We know some people are skeptical.

Ego: Some people?

Female voice: Look, here’s how it works. We use computer vision, deep learning algorithms, and sensor fusion.

Ego: Oh, okay. So it’s a trap?

Punkie: So where do you pay?

Female voice: There’s no register. It all happens with our Grab and Go technology.

Punkie: But where do you pay?

Female voice: You don’t.

Punkie: No, I do. I always pay. Okay. Who do you think I am?

Female voice: It’s simple. Take what you want, put it in your own bag and walk out. And we have everything you love.

Zoë: Oh, hey, they have my favorite brand of Kombucha.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. You should grab it.

Zoë: Sure. [pauses] Can you grab it?

Andrew: Just grab it.

Zoë: You should pick it up.

Andrew: Hey, it’s fine.

Zoë: Take it up.

Andrew: I’m learning.

Female voice: If you change your mind, just put it back. Our technology will update your virtual cart instantly.

Chris: [in loud voice trying to get attention] Okay, I am putting the sandwich back y’all. I have decided to get a different sandwich today. [showing the empty bag] I got no more sandwiches now. god.

Female voice: So get your purchase and go. [Kenan is at the radio-frequency beeper machine at the exit. He doesn’t know if he should go.] Go ahead, leave. Just walk out.

Kenan: [scared] Here I go. [he walks out and nothing happens] [celebrating] Yay! [he comes back and puts the cash on the machine]

Female voice: You don’t have to do that. You’ve already paid.

Kenan: Well then, it’s a tip. [in loud voice] It’s a tip!

Zoë: If you’re trying to trick me– [beeping] Here we go!

Andrew: It’s just notifying you of your receipts.

Zoë: [with her hands up] It was him!

Chris: Alexa, search “Amazon Go store black man trapped.”

Female voice: Amazon Go. No lines. No checkout. No, seriously.

Punkie: That’s a damn trap!

Weekend Update- A Guy Named Brandon on “Let’s Go Brandon”

Michael Che

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The phrase, “Let’s go Brandon”, a right wing euphemism for F Joe Biden has gone viral and can now be found on T shirts and lawn signs across the country. Here to comment on “Let’s go Brandon” phenomenon is a guy named Brandon.

Brandon: Hello. Yes, it’s me. Wow, this has been crazy, Mr. Che. Everyone’s talking about me. Little old Brandon. I just wanna say, CC fam. Thank you for your support. I love my Brand, Stans.

Michael Che: Brandon, maybe you didn’t hear what I just said.

Brandon: At first, I was like, “I don’t understand. Why all the hoopla about me?” I was pretty average guy living with my– Kinda like spider man, but without the superpowers. Right, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: Yeah, sure, sure.

Brandon: Yeah, normal guy. Don’t have tons of friends. Never have. Spent the last 49 bucks on a cameo from the Damn Daniel guys. They’re older now but still really funny. They refuse to say Damn Daniel, but just hearing those guys talk is amazing. Anyway, I was feeling kind of down. And that’s when all over the internet, people started cheering me on saying “Let’s go Brandon”.

Michael Che: Again. Brandon. I hate to tell you this–

Brandon: On the support was just the boost I needed to focus on my true passion. My famous cookie creations.

Michael Che: Cookie creation? What are cookie creations?

Brandon: Well, most cookies are round, right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Brandon: My cookie creations are not round. For instance. Have you ever seen a square cookie, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I have.

Brandon: Didn’t think so. Might be why people are talking about Brandon.

Michael Che: Look. No, wait. I hate to break it to you but “Let’s go Brandon” isn’t about you. It’s cold for F. Joe Biden.

Brandon: No.

Michael Che: Yes.

Brandon: Wouldn’t they just say F Joe Biden?

Michael Che: Right. This is their way of saying that without saying it.

Brandon: But they said Brandon. They said my name.

Michael Che: Yeah, it was kind of like their inside joke.

Brandon: So, I’m a joke? It’s a joke to be Brandon? Like when my uncle tweeted, “Let’s go Brandon”, he wasn’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No, man. He wasn’t.

Brandon: And when those random guys at the football game chanted “Let’s go Brandon”, they weren’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No.

Brandon: Is anyone talking about me?

Michael Che: I don’t think so.

Brandon: So, I’m a loser. I live with my aunt. And every time I pee, it shoots out in different– Like, I can’t get a single stream. It always splits.

Michael Che: Ay. I’m sorry. But maybe we can find a way to pump you up that doesn’t involve word Brandon. Like, what’s your last name?

Brandon: Bad Noodles.

Michael Che: Bad Noodles?

Brandon: It’s Dutch

Michael Che: Well, why don’t we get a “Let’s go Bad Noodles” chant going?

Brandon: Really? Let’s go Bad Noodles. [the audience start chanting] Yes! Everybody!

Michael Che: Brandon Bad Noodles, everybody.

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]