Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: 2022 is almost over and ooh, we did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two time Heisman Trophy stealer, Cathy Anne.[Cathy Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]
Cathy Anne: Hey. Ho-ho-ho, Michael Cho.
Michael Che: Hey Cathy, you look adorable. I love your Santa hat.
Cathy Anne: Oh yeah. Well, it’s covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit Scout.
Michael Che: You got Scout?
Cathy Anne: Yeah. I fell asleep on an escalator. It is just a mess up here. But you know what? At least now the curtains match the drapes.
Michael Che: Yuck, Cathy Anne. What does that mean?
Cathy Anne: Yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out.
Michael Che: Let’s get back on track, Cathy Anne. What’s got your goose tonight?
Cathy Anne: Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Actually, actually, I’m a little emo tonight, because truth is I’m here to say goodbye.
Michael Che: Wait, where are you going?
Cathy Anne: Turns out prison.
Michael Che: Prison?
Cathy Anne: Yeah. Well, the crimes I confessed to you here for the past several years finally caught up with me. Drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack, impersonating a police, meth and crack. Oh, and I’m doing a couple of Sonic attacks.
Michael Che: A sonic attack? Like what the Russians do with sound waves?
Cathy Anne: No. I did an upper decker at the soft server machine at Sonic. But a lot of people did end up with pretty bad headaches. Everything worked out, okay? Because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison.
Michael Che: That’s a bad deal.
Cathy Anne: Well, they wanted to kill me. And that kind of bring my chair back, made me watch him tested. Tuck a little hat on me and everything. Whow, that’s chilling.
Michael Che: I’m really sorry you’re going to prison.
Cathy Anne: Oh no, I’m not. I think it’s actually gonna give me some much needed stability. And I’m not just scared because I got friends on the inside. They seem to be doing okay. [There’s a picture of Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant inside jail] Yeah. And it’s okay. I had a good run. I mean, I met you, we fell in love. We made a sex tape.
Michael Che: Kathy Anne, you getting caught on my Ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape.
Cathy Anne: Potato Chlamado. That’s a spicy meat ball. Hey Colin, don’t you think I forgot about you. Here’s your picture of you may do an update together.[There’s a picture of Colin Jost and Cecily Strong in old Weeked Update set]
Michael Che: Whoa! Cathy Anne, you look so different. What happened?
Cathy Anne: Okay, excuse me. Look at you. Have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver fact? Turn into Obama.
Michael Che: All right, that’s fair.
Cathy Anne: Listen, everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? It’s just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. And I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much. [cheers and applause] But I know, I guess take that with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. It’s like another great drug addict once said, “There’s no place like home and there’s no home like the place where I’ve gotten yelled outside Michael Che’s window.” Don’t be sad, because remember… [singing] I did it high, Che.
Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody.
Cathy Anne: Oh my god, I lit it. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.