Weekend Update: Nuclear Scientists Achieve “Ignition,” Trump vs. DeSantis GOP Civil War

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a science lab at right top corner.]

Michael Che: US scientists announced they have reached ignition, which is a nuclear fusion reaction producing more energy than it’s supposed to create. And they’re hoping this discovery may eventually lead to the remix to ‘Ignition’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a child using tablet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study has found that using screens to stop a child’s tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. The study is titled “Elon Musk”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican insiders are concerned that the rivalry between Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis could lead to a civil war within the party, because they already have the flags.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Parachute record setter dies at 94”]

A man who made aviation history by parachuting out of a hot air balloon twenty miles above the earth has died at the age of 94… when he finally hit the ground.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Whale swims 3000 miles with broken spine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that for more than a decade, they tracked a humbpback whale as it swam over 3000 miles from Canada to Hawaii with a broken spine. They even got a recording of it’s whale song.

Weekend Update on the GOP Tax Plan

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, good news for president Trump is that his tax plan just passed the senate. The bad news is he might not be president long enough to sign it. Former national security advisor Michael Flynn pled guilty to charges that he lied to the FBI during their investigation of Trump’s ties to Russia. Or as FOX News reported it, [Cut to FOX News article] “Did Hillary Clinton secretly join ISIS?” These days, I have to say it’s just refreshing to see a powerful man pled guilty for something that isn’t sexual harassment. When I heard Flynn was in trouble, I was like, “Wait, he only lied to the FBI? He didn’t also whip it out during a meeting? What a solid guy!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Michael Flynn at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President knew he had a show tonight, so he was kind enough to go on Twitter and do half of our jobs for us. He said, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI.” Ah, thanks man. I got it from here. So, you knew Flynn lied and then asked Comey to stop his investigation? That’s obstruction. Who is your lawyer? [Ppcture changes to Ty Cobb] Oh, right, the oatmeal guy. You know, the crazy thing is as bad as this looks, this is still Donald Trump we’re talking about. And I’ve heard people say, “Oh, there’s no way Trump walks from this one”, at least 38 times already. But this slippery bastard is still the president somehow. I mean, what else does FBI need? They have a 95% conviction rate, a high ranking snitch and a confessional Twitter. So if this next Donald Trump isn’t in prison corn rolling some brother named ‘Lunch meat’s hair’, then dammit, I want the oatmeal guy as my lawyer too.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After news of Flynn’s pled, former director of FBI James Comey tweeted a biblical verse saying, “But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream”. It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what you think about James Comey, we can all agree that he’s a humongous dork. Also, his use of the phrase ‘ever-flowing stream’ makes me think he has seen that Russian P-tape.

[Picture changes to the senate meeting]

The senate also voted to pass a $1.5 trillion tax reform bill early this morning, that experts say would add over $1 trillion to the national debt. Wow, I knew Trump was gonna run the country like a business, I just didn’t know he was gonna run it like one of his businesses. Experts also say that the plan will give huge tax cuts to households making over $1 million a year. Of course, all that money will eventually trickle down. First from rich parents to their kids. And then from those kids to their molly dealers at Coachella.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, once republicans get this tax bill passed, they won’t need Donald Trump anymore. I mean, they already got what they wanted. I mean, it’s like– it’s not like they like you. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that they passed this bill at 2 AM without reading it the same night they found out Flynn was snitching on you? They know something. It’s like a family showing up to your hospital room saying, “Look, you need to sign this will tonight.” “Can I read it first?” “No time.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Joe Scarborough at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also hinted in a tweet this week that MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough should be investigate for unsolved murder. Could we just take a second to appreciate that that story barely even registered as news? I mean that any other time in history, the headline ‘President openly accuses a man of murder’ would probably make the front page. Now, it’s just part of a [Picture changes to newspaper articles] Wacky News Corner right next to Local Squirrel Learns Karate and North Korea Can Now Nuke All of US.

[Picture changes to YouTube logo]

YouTube has removed more than 150,000 videos due to disturbing content involving children. But if you still wanna watch disturbing content involving children, there’s always the Alabama Senate Race. [Picture changes to Roy Moore] [Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Doug Jones]

Oh, yeah. Trump criticizes Roy Moore’s democratic opponent Doug Jones as a Chuck Schumer puppet. [Picture changes to Chuck Schumer and Statler from muppets.] But clearly, he’s not a Chuck Schumer puppet. Statler from the Muppets. That’s the Chuck Schumer puppet.

Weekend Update on GOP Healthcare Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of republican logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There was no vote on the healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead like three times already and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. You know, at this rate, we’re only a few years way from “Freddy vs. Healthcare” which really scares the hell out of me because we all know who dies first in those movies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hugh Hefner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Not me. [Michael Che laughing] Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked ‘Work Stuff’. [Picture changes to a computer folder named ‘work stuff’.] [Picture changes to a calendar marking October of 2017.]

October is blindness awareness month. So, don’t forget to say you are wearing a ribbon.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a car and map of Saudi Arabia at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re not going to see this. [Colin Jost laughing] Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow, that’s only a few short years after cars were allowed drive themselves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maintenance workers in Baltimore say they have cleared a 140 ton of fatberg from the sewer system which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. Good news, Baltimore, the McRib is back. [Picture changes to McDonald’s McRib.] [Picture changes to Hostess packet snack called Ding Dongs]

And Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes including white fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, white fudge Ding Dongs is what they call Weekend Update in China.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know who that’s more racist to. A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.