Weekend Update on End of Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at left top corner.]

Well, Monday, Chuck Schumer saw his shadow which means we have three more weeks of government. The shutdown is temporarily over until February 8. So, that means, these guys have 12 days left to solve all of immigration. I’m not that confident. I wouldn’t even trust them to get out of an escape room in 12 days. Also, Schumer only agreed to this temporary deal because Mitch McConnell promised to finally address the issue of Dhaka. But trusting Mitch McConnell to keep a promise is like trusting Stevie Wonder to perform a briss.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Chuck Schumer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Schumer said that before his meeting with president Trump on immigration reform, he insisted that White House advisor [Picture changes to Steven Miller] Steven Miller not be allowed in the room. But Miller usually scatters away whenever someone turns the lights on. Coz he looks like a roach. Steven Miller looks like he has a sex doll name ‘Mother.’ Doesn’t he look like the guy in ‘Ghost’ that yells, “Get off my train.” [Picture changes to Steven Miller and Vincent Schiavelli from ‘Ghost’] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump

Colin Jost: President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So, he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation. It’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a Keig stand. My concern at this point is that Trump tries to obstruct justice so often and so publicly that he doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. I mean, no one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Coz, at this point, it’s just what he does. Also, like the Hamburglar, Trump is basically a Hamburglar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump’s lawyer Ty Cobb had to tell the president that the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean calm him down? You shouldn’t have to do that to a president. That’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. “Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.” I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever tried to press door close on somebody in an elevator but they make it anyway? And now you got to talk to Colin about white golfers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At the world economic forum in Davos, Switzerland, Trump was asked if he tried to fire Mueller. And this was Trump’s defense.

[Cut to Colin Jost walking. The media is asking him questions.]

Press: Did you try to fire Robert Mueller?

Donald Trump: [holding his hand up to his mouth as he’s whispering] Fake news, folks. Fake news.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Why are you holding up your hand like that? It doesn’t work if you’re talking on full volume into a television camera. I think he probably saw all word leaders whispering like this whenever he entered a room. And he just thought it was like a cool European thing. He also probably thinks that [Colin Jost circles his index finger around his head side. Normally used to say ‘crazy’.] this means, “This guy has got a great idea.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Paul Kagame]

While in Davos, Trump also met with the president of Rwanda just a week after Trump used the vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and hold him not to scratch the finish.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of FBI and republicans’ elephant logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut right to the black guy. Republicans have begun blaming a secret society with in FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And you know what? I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me because he constantly reaffirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense. Like, “The media is lying. The FBI is trying to do me like they did Tupac.” And I’m like, “They did kill Tupac, didn’t they?”

Weekend Update on the Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Donald Trump who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year. The government shutdown at midnight last night over disagreements over immigration. President Trump has blamed minority leader Chuck Schumer for the shutdown because Trump never misses a chance to blame a minority.

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Also, why is shutting down our entire government even an option? America has been around 240 years. Maybe it’s time we just buy our government instead of leasing it month to month. This is people’s lives, not a Kia Sorento. [Picture changes to Kevin Spacey] Even production on House of Cards didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator. If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also, in the fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president and [Picture changes to Robin Wright] got a female president instead. So, just something to think about. Just an idea.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of United States Capitol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. All I wanna know is since the government shutdown, do we still have to pay taxes for the whole year? Do we get pro rated or something like that? When my cable shut down, Comcast gave me free HBO for a month. I feel like the government owes us an eagle or an apple pie or something.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, I was finally able to google Stormy Daniels on my work computer. In an interview from 2011, pornstar Stormy Daniel said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump, he told her she was beautiful and smart just like his daughter. Which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels. [Picture changes to Mike Pence] I just love watching Mike Pence during all of this. He’s a button own conservative christian. Now, he’s gotta go ride or die with Caligula. I mean, at this point, Pence would probably be more comfortable as a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, the worst part about that Stormy Daniels story is that it was so lame. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a pornstar. Clutch my pearls! I thought we’d get some freaky details out of it. I mean, Donald Trump grabs women by vagina as his opener. So, his actual sex must be insane, right? But the craziest thing that we got was that he was spanked with a magazine and he’s afraid of sharks. Well, of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ronny Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Tuesday, the White House doctor held a press conference where he read the results of Trump’s physical and we have some of those results right here.

EKG: Normal. Blood Pressure: Normal. Urine: Loves it. The doctor said that president Trump also took in-cognitive test and did exceedingly well. But it wasn’t like an IQ test. It was more of a, “Are you okay?” test. One of the questions was literally ‘draw a clock.’ The last president to fail this test was Lincoln after the play.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I for one am happy to know that the president has a normal functioning brain. Because it would suck to find out that all this time, I’ve been making fun of a mentally challenged dude. If he would have failed that mental exam, it would have ruined everything. People from other countries would be like, “Hey, you’re from America, where they elected that mentally challenged guy. That’s awesome.”

[Picture changes to a group of people in a protest.]

Hundreds of marches took place around the world today to protest president Trump’s first year. Single handedly saving the pink yarn industry. Yeah, I support the women’s movement. But it’s kind of hard to take someone serious wearing a vagina hat. If Martin Luther King gave his speech wearing a black penis hat, he’d probably still be alive today.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The first year in office typically ages a president a lot. But here’s Trump a year ago, and here’s Trump now. [showing two pictures of Donald Trump] Not that big of a difference. But let’s see how it has affected the news anchors who have to report on Trump. Here’s Anderson Cooper a year ago. [Picture changes to Anderson Cooper] And here’s Anderson now. [Picture changes to Gandalf]

This also marks the year anniversary of republicans controlling all three branches of government. So, let’s take a look at what they’ve managed to accomplish.

[Cut to a list. The list has only two things, tax bills and government shutdown.] [Cut to Colin Jost. He is drinking his coffee.]

Michael Che: That’s it?

[Colin Jost puts his coffee mug down.]

Colin Jost: That’s it. Great. Truly inspiring.