Tag: Government shutdown

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Well, he says he wants it for border security.

Cathy Anne: This is basically a wall, right? Let me tell you something. [Cathy gets on the news table] He wants $5 billion for this. Hey! All right, now I did that with two ribs missing.

Michael Che: You you two ribs missing?

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy Anne: Yeah, I had them taken out because of that Marilyn Manson thing. Apparantly, it’s two ribs if you’re a girl. Spoiler alert, it don’t work. You can’t reach. [Cathy starts smoking]

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Why, Kathy Anne? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know the only thing a wall can stop, Michael Che? A penguin. Right? [Cut to Cathy] They got those little wings and fat bodies and flipper feet, they can’t fly, they can’t dig. They ain’t getting past the wall. You know, they just keep bumping into it like a Roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You have a thing against penguins?

Cathy Anne: Yes, I do. Let me tell you something. [Cut to Cathy] This man held people’s pay checks hostage for 35 days for that wall. And then he caved. And he’s pretending like he won. You didn’t win. Just like when I held the bathroom hostage at Arby’s for two days. I didn’t leave because I won. Okay? I left because they threw a smoke bomb through the window and my jeans caught fire. He never got his wall, and I never got to hear Ving Rhames say, “We have your meat, Kathy Anne”.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: That’s all you wanted?

Cathy Anne: Hey, stay focused. We have to have priorities here. Okay? [Cut to Cathy] Mexico ain’t the main reason for Dopiods. We got them through doctors and pharmaceuticals and stuffed up people’s butts in airports. Now, who’s going to check them butts when the TSA is calling in sick because you ain’t paying them for five weeks. And how about food detectors?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You mean, the FDA?

Cathy Anne: Yes. Okay, and may I remind you, this is after everybody in the country got the runs from eating freaking salad, twice. [Cut to Cathy]  I thought I had it, right? But then I remembered, I don’t eat salad. That’s just my organs. And then, to top all that off, you have to mess with our military, by banning people from service just because you decided they ain’t got the right private parts? Well, let me tell you something, nobody’s ever been thrilled with my private parts. That’s never stopped me from fighting. You want to see?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Hell, no.

Cathy Anne: That’s all right. The point is, he is an addict when it comes to that wall. And I would know, because – I – [Cut to Cathy] and if his addiction is anything like mine, it’s far from over. He’s going to lie to you, steal from your purse, and end up on the wrong side of a lot of glory holes until he gets his wall. Take it from me, Catherine Annette Vanderbilt.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne everybody.

Weekend Update: Soulja Boy on the Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Soulja Boy… Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: The president and congress reached a deal to end the longest shutdown in history. I don’t really have all the answer. So here to comment is the only person keeping it totally real right now, rapper, pioneer, entrepreneur, Soulja Boy.

[Soulja Boy joins Michael Che]

Soulja Boy: What’s up? What’s happening, check, check.

Michael Che: Soulja, thanks for joining us. So I guess, what are your thoughts on shutdown?

Soulja Boy: I don’t know nothing about that.

Michael Che: Really? Well, the government was shut down for 35 days. Workers weren’t paid.

Soulja Boy: Man, for real? I got to fix this. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to run for president.

Michael Che: What?

Soulja Boy: Yeah, Soulja Boy, crank that, 2020.

Michael Che: Soulja, you can’t be for real. You think have you what it takes to beat Donald Trump?

Soulja Boy: Trump? Trump? That dude that got bodied by the — the dude that got beef when Nancy Peloski? Trump? Man, Che, get out of here, I hear you.

Michael Che: So you really think you got what it takes?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Che, I’m telling you bro, without big soldiers, there wouldn’t be no Trump. I’m the first one to hustle my way to the top.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What hustle, Soulja?

Soulja Boy: Who else out here hustling the video game market?

Michael Che: Oh, that’s right, you came out with your own console, the Soulja Game. Isn’t that a Nintendo knock off?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Nintendo? Nintendo? The dude that got bodied by Sonic the Hedgehog? Quit playing with me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: Yes, that Nintendo.

Soulja Boy: Bro, you can play games on this! How am I the knock off? They both made in China. It’s the same stuff.

Michael Che: I think you’re is a little different.

Soulja Boy: Che, we got Fork Knife on here. [Fork Knife written like Fortnite logo]

Michael Che: Fork knife? Bro! You mean, Fortnite?

Soulja Boy: No bro, Fork Knife, chill. And if you’re not in a day, you could be a cowboy Red Dread Recession. Or if you want to keep it classic, you could have Mangino and Linguini.

Michael Che: Who’s is Mangino and Linguini?

Soulja Boy: The Super Mangino Brothers. Come on, man.[ Super Mangino brothers written like Super Mario Brothers logo]

Michael Che: So you ripped off Mario?

Soulja Boy: Mario? Mario? Quit playing with me Che.

Michael Che: Soulja, aren’t you worried about copyright infringement?

Soulja Boy: You’re gonna have to break that down for me, Che, Che.

Michael Che: You know they can sue you.

Soulja Boy: Yo, is that like your opinion or is that fact, though?

Michael Che: It’s big fact, Soulja.

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Man, they ain’t got nothing to do with the Super Mangino Brothers. Che, come on man, you got to stop playing with me. I’m going to be first black president and that’s for real.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What about Obama?

[Soulja Boy stands and walks around]

Soulja Boy: Obama? That dude been stealing my bars. Dashing your hope. That’s Soulja, that’s me.

Michael Che: Soulja Boy, everybody.

Weekend Update: Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. [Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of newspaper that says ‘Government Shutdown enters 29th day’ in the left top corner of the screen]

Well guys, we were off for a month. But conveniently so was the government. President Trump, [The picture changes to Donald Trump] the man who said he would own the shut down clearly doesn’t care about the people who are working unpaid, who can’t afford basic things like food. Why would he care? He’s a billionaire who controls all the hamburgers in the world. [The picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of hamburgers] Then after, McDonalds was done hosting his burger orgy, he went on television today and [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech] made a new proposal to end the shutdown and that proposal was basically, you give me $5.7 billion and I will give you back the dreamers. Am I the only who thinks it sounds like a hostage negotiation? I can’t wait to see his written proposal. [The picture changes to a paper that says ‘Give me a wall or bye bye dreamers’] And by the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech]  These protections he’s offering are not even real laws. They are vague promises he’s making. I trust a promise from Donald Trump that as much as R Kelly in [Picture changes to Clair’s boutique door] Clair’s boutique.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Yeah, I agree. That speech sucked. First of all, he didn’t even say hi. He just started talking like we were already talking. I found that to be rude. Then he said he’s going to stop half the crime and 90% of the heroine with something called ‘slats’. [Picture changes to a wall Donald Trump promised to build] Which as you can see, is a wall without all the wall. Hear that, Mexico. Good luck trying to crack this code. What are you going to do, pass your drugs and small children through those giant slats? Pshh. Imagine you’re a coast guard or TSA or any of the thousands of government workers that are actually stopping drugs and crime from getting to this country and you haven’t been paid in a month, and the president gets on TV, doesn’t say sorry or doesn’t even say hi, but instead he’s like, “Hey, what y’all think about ‘slats’?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost:  The other big news is BuzzFeed published a story that said Robert Mueller had evidence of Trump committing an impeachable crime. The details were so sketchy even Mueller’s team had to be like, “Sorry, fake news.” How disappointing was that. You know how many suburban moms had to retract their group text to their family reading [The picture changes to a phone with a text message saying ‘We got him’] “We got him!”? The crazy part is that the [Picture changes to White House] White House is now celebrating that Mueller disputed only this one aspect of the investigation while there are like 100 other crimes still on the table. If you got tested for every STD and your doctor said the good news is you don’t have chlamydia, you wouldn’t say that’s all I need to hear doc. No condoms for this guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: That’s going to be a meme. BuzzFeed, I think it’s great.  We all think it’s great that you want to help, but this is not really what we need from you. Y’all at BuzzFeed, you do memes and lists. Everybody’s got that aunt who has roaches and every thanksgiving she like, “Hey all, what should I bring?” and we are like, “Um, ice?” You bring the ice because we don’t want to be picking the raisins out of the turkey. That’s you, Buzz feed. You bring the ice. As Dr. King once said, don’t go chasing water falls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes you are used to. There’s no shame in that. We all play a role. Look, sometimes kids come up to me and say, “Michael Che, I get all my news from you.” I say, “Don’t do that. I bring the Ice.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Scarmucci and a Celebrity Big Brother logo at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: It was Anthony Scaramucci who served as White House Communications Director for less than two weeks is joining the cast of Celebrity Big Brother while Sean Spicer is100%  the poodle on the mass singer. [Picture changes to Alexandria Oscsio-Cortez] It was also revealed that freshman representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be giving lessons to her fellow democrat on how to use twitter more effective, followed immediately by Chuck Schumer [Picture changes to people in a zumba class] teaching zumba.