Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Well, he says he wants it for border security.

Cathy Anne: This is basically a wall, right? Let me tell you something. [Cathy gets on the news table] He wants $5 billion for this. Hey! All right, now I did that with two ribs missing.

Michael Che: You you two ribs missing?

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy Anne: Yeah, I had them taken out because of that Marilyn Manson thing. Apparantly, it’s two ribs if you’re a girl. Spoiler alert, it don’t work. You can’t reach. [Cathy starts smoking] [Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Why, Kathy Anne? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know the only thing a wall can stop, Michael Che? A penguin. Right? [Cut to Cathy] They got those little wings and fat bodies and flipper feet, they can’t fly, they can’t dig. They ain’t getting past the wall. You know, they just keep bumping into it like a Roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You have a thing against penguins?

Cathy Anne: Yes, I do. Let me tell you something. [Cut to Cathy] This man held people’s pay checks hostage for 35 days for that wall. And then he caved. And he’s pretending like he won. You didn’t win. Just like when I held the bathroom hostage at Arby’s for two days. I didn’t leave because I won. Okay? I left because they threw a smoke bomb through the window and my jeans caught fire. He never got his wall, and I never got to hear Ving Rhames say, “We have your meat, Kathy Anne”.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: That’s all you wanted?

Cathy Anne: Hey, stay focused. We have to have priorities here. Okay? [Cut to Cathy] Mexico ain’t the main reason for Dopiods. We got them through doctors and pharmaceuticals and stuffed up people’s butts in airports. Now, who’s going to check them butts when the TSA is calling in sick because you ain’t paying them for five weeks. And how about food detectors?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You mean, the FDA?

Cathy Anne: Yes. Okay, and may I remind you, this is after everybody in the country got the runs from eating freaking salad, twice. [Cut to Cathy]  I thought I had it, right? But then I remembered, I don’t eat salad. That’s just my organs. And then, to top all that off, you have to mess with our military, by banning people from service just because you decided they ain’t got the right private parts? Well, let me tell you something, nobody’s ever been thrilled with my private parts. That’s never stopped me from fighting. You want to see?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Hell, no.

Cathy Anne: That’s all right. The point is, he is an addict when it comes to that wall. And I would know, because – I – [Cut to Cathy] and if his addiction is anything like mine, it’s far from over. He’s going to lie to you, steal from your purse, and end up on the wrong side of a lot of glory holes until he gets his wall. Take it from me, Catherine Annette Vanderbilt.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne everybody.

Weekend Update: Soulja Boy on the Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 11

Soulja Boy… Chris Redd

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: The president and congress reached a deal to end the longest shutdown in history. I don’t really have all the answer. So here to comment is the only person keeping it totally real right now, rapper, pioneer, entrepreneur, Soulja Boy.

[Soulja Boy joins Michael Che]

Soulja Boy: What’s up? What’s happening, check, check.

Michael Che: Soulja, thanks for joining us. So I guess, what are your thoughts on shutdown?

Soulja Boy: I don’t know nothing about that.

Michael Che: Really? Well, the government was shut down for 35 days. Workers weren’t paid.

Soulja Boy: Man, for real? I got to fix this. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to run for president.

Michael Che: What?

Soulja Boy: Yeah, Soulja Boy, crank that, 2020.

Michael Che: Soulja, you can’t be for real. You think have you what it takes to beat Donald Trump?

Soulja Boy: Trump? Trump? That dude that got bodied by the — the dude that got beef when Nancy Peloski? Trump? Man, Che, get out of here, I hear you.

Michael Che: So you really think you got what it takes?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Che, I’m telling you bro, without big soldiers, there wouldn’t be no Trump. I’m the first one to hustle my way to the top.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What hustle, Soulja?

Soulja Boy: Who else out here hustling the video game market?

Michael Che: Oh, that’s right, you came out with your own console, the Soulja Game. Isn’t that a Nintendo knock off?

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Nintendo? Nintendo? The dude that got bodied by Sonic the Hedgehog? Quit playing with me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: Yes, that Nintendo.

Soulja Boy: Bro, you can play games on this! How am I the knock off? They both made in China. It’s the same stuff.

Michael Che: I think you’re is a little different.

Soulja Boy: Che, we got Fork Knife on here. [Fork Knife written like Fortnite logo]

Michael Che: Fork knife? Bro! You mean, Fortnite?

Soulja Boy: No bro, Fork Knife, chill. And if you’re not in a day, you could be a cowboy Red Dread Recession. Or if you want to keep it classic, you could have Mangino and Linguini.

Michael Che: Who’s is Mangino and Linguini?

Soulja Boy: The Super Mangino Brothers. Come on, man.[ Super Mangino brothers written like Super Mario Brothers logo]

Michael Che: So you ripped off Mario?

Soulja Boy: Mario? Mario? Quit playing with me Che.

Michael Che: Soulja, aren’t you worried about copyright infringement?

Soulja Boy: You’re gonna have to break that down for me, Che, Che.

Michael Che: You know they can sue you.

Soulja Boy: Yo, is that like your opinion or is that fact, though?

Michael Che: It’s big fact, Soulja.

[Cut to Soulja Boy]

Soulja Boy: Man, they ain’t got nothing to do with the Super Mangino Brothers. Che, come on man, you got to stop playing with me. I’m going to be first black president and that’s for real.

[Cut to Michael Che and Soulja Boy]

Michael Che: What about Obama?

[Soulja Boy stands and walks around]

Soulja Boy: Obama? That dude been stealing my bars. Dashing your hope. That’s Soulja, that’s me.

Michael Che: Soulja Boy, everybody.