Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Cathy… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Jamal… Jay Pharoah

Grandpa… Matthew McConaughey

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a family having dinner]

Beck: Alright guys, happy thanksgiving everyone.

[everyone wishes each other]

I am so thankful to have you all here today.

Vanessa: I am thankful that I only burned the turkey a little bit.

[everyone laughs]

Cathy: You know, I am thankful that our governor is not gonna let those refugees in here.

Cecily: Oh my god!

[Cut to a video that says “Thanksgiving with family can be hard.”] [Cut to Beck]

Beck: You know, I heard the refugees are all ISIS in disguise.

[Cecily shaking her head]

Cathy: Oh yeah, that’s true. [Cut to Cathy] I actually saw an ISIS in the A&P today when I was picking up the yam.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: No, you didn’t aunt Cathy. That was an Asian woman.

[Cut to a video that says “Everyone has different opinions and beliefs.”] [Cut to everybody]

Cathy: You know what? [pointing at Jamal. Jamal is the only black person at the table] I have a question for you. Why is it that your friends keep antagonizing the police?

[Jamal is offended]

Cecily: Why would you ask my boyfriend that?

Cathy: Well I’m just trying to get to know Jamal.

[Cut to a video that says “But there’s one thing that unites us all…”] [Cut to everybody arguing with each other. The little girl sitting by Cathy gets up and plays Adele’s ‘Hello’ on the music player.] [Everyone suddenly stops talking] [Cut to Cathy lipsyncing to the song]

Cathy: Hello, it’s me.

[Cut to Vanessa lipsyncing to the song]

Vanessa: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

[Cut to Beck lipsyncing to the song]

Beck: To go over everything.

[Cut to Cathy and Jamal holding hands and lipsyincing to the song]

Jamal: They say that time’s supposed to heal you but I ain’t done much healing.

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa: Oh, your grandparents are here.

[Cut to the grandparents walking in]

Beck: How was the flight?

Grandpa: It was good. Good.

Grandma: I saw two transgender at the airport. They sure look all pretty.

Grandpa: Very interesting trend.

[Cut to Cecily and Jamal]

Cecily: Oh, my god!

Jamal: Transgender is not a trend Mr. Paul.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: There weren’t any around when I was younger.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, they were there but they couldn’t say anything so they lived sad lives and died.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No talking about…

[everyone starts arguing again] [Cut to the little girl who plays the song again] [The video changes to black and white. Everyone stands up lipsyncing to the song.]

All: Hello from the other side

[They have the wind blowing on them effect going on]

I must have called a thousand times

[Beck has his nails done like Adele in her video]

To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
When I called you never seemed to be home

[The burnt turkey turns into a well cooked turkey]

Hello from the other–

[The oven’s timer beeps]

Vanessa: Oh, the pies are ready.

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy: And I am ready to vote for Ben Carson.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You are such a–

[Cut to Vanessa walking to bring the pie but she slips and presses the button to play the song] [Cut to the family lipsyincing to the song. The video changes to black and white again.]

All: Hello from the other side

[Everyone is wearing a coat like Adele in her video now]

At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart

[Now even men have long blonde hair like Adele]

but it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart

[Now everyone is at Adele’s ‘Hello’ shooting venue with a pond and flying autumn leaves.]

Anymore
anymore
anymore

[Cut to everybody. Little girl is also sitting at the table.]

Vanessa: Dig in, everyone.

[Little girl turns towards the camera]

Little girl: Thanks Adele.

[The End]

First Thanksgiving

Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Fred Armisen

John… Beck Bennett

Mom… Maya Rudolph

Grandpa… Will Farrell

[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]

Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.

Dad: Yeah, it sure is.

[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]

John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.

Dad: We don’t have last names, John.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I guess you did.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.

John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.

Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.

[Cut to everybody] [John leaves]

Pocahontas: Okay.

Mom: John seems nice.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: A paleface?

Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.

[John walks in]

John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.

[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]

Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yeah, couple weeks.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: I do, I do.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, I see.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.

[Cut to everybody]

Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—

Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Both: Grandpa.

Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Fox.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Exactly.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Fine by me.

Dad: Yes.

Pocahontas: Please.

John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.

Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.

[John walks in]

John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Bone dry again.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop it.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: John, please stay.

Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Me, too.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.

John: Oh.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Right. Like three or four.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.

John: Oh. Sorry.

Everybody: Grandpa!

[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]

Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cheers and applause]