Kyle Mooney
Dani… Beck Bennett
Ryan… Kit Harrington
Gina… Cecily Strong
Lance… Mikey Day
[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]
Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.
Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.
Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.
Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.
[Gina walks pass them]
Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—
Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.
Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.
[Lance walks in]
Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.
[Cut to the geeks]
Kyle: Our lord approaches.
Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.
[Cut to Lance]
Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.
[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]
Ryan: Thank you, sire.
Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.
Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—
Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.
[Ryan walks back to his friends]
Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?
[Kyle and Dani stand up]
Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for thine Walmart home page.
Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.
Kyle: ‘Twas corny, Dani.
Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.
Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?
Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.
Dani: So be it.
[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]
I cast a fireball at you.
Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.
Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.
Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.
Ryan: Forcefield.
Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.
Ryan: I fire an arrow.
Dani: I block it.
Ryan: I fire again.
Dani: I block again.
Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.
Ryan: I strike.
Dani: I block.
Kyle: I strike.
Ryan: I block.
[Lance walks into their game]
Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.
[Cut to the geeks]
Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.
Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.
[Cut to Lance]
Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.
[Cut to everyone]
Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.
Lance: Oh, my god!
Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.
[Cut to Gina]
Gina: Lance, is that true?
Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.
[Cut to the geeks]
Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office]
[Cut toe verybody]
Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]
Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]
Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.
[Cut to the geeks]
Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.
Ryan: I crown thee.
Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.
[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]
Dani: Huzzah!
Ryan: Huzzah!
Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?
Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.
Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.