Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read – “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?
Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.
Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.
Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.
Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.
Colin Jost: This is what science–
Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!
Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.
Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.
Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.
Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.
Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?
Colin Jost: No.
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.
Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?
Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.