Weekend Update- Donald Trump’s Arraignment, Marjorie Taylor Greene Slams NYC

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wall Street Journal logo.]

The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges. And I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday and a photographer released this photo of Trump in the courtroom. And I don’t like that he’s flanked by an O.J. amount of lawyers. Because that tells me he’s definitely guilty and that he’s definitely getting away with it. Trump’s lawyer Joe Tacopina, aka Phony Soprano said that he doesn’t think Trump is gonna get a fair trial in Manhattan and I agree. I mean, even the courtroom sketch artist seems to hate him. When he showed up, I thought he looked perfectly nice. He had blended his foundation. He had stapled down his hair. But the guy still drew him like the mud monster from Scooby Doo.

[[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: After his arraignment, Donald Trump spoke to supporters at Mar-a-Lago and said there was a very dark cloud over our beloved country, which is also what he used to call Obama.

Insiders are saying that since Donald Trump’s indictment, his daughter Ivanka has been absent, and his other daughter Tiffany is trying to take her place by his side just as soon as she gets through security.

[Picture changes to Marjorie Taylor Green]

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene seen here shouting “Jump you coward,” visited New York to protest the arrest of Donald Trump and called the city filthy, disgusting and repulsive. But as a New Yorker, let me just say you forgot “rat infested.” Don’t ever forget our rats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by Republican mega donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court with no questions asked. It was also revealed today that Harlan Crowe has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia including a copy of “Mein Kampf” signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads “Dear Harlan, big fan, – Adolf.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of two black men.]

Michael Che: Tennessee Republicans expelled to black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like but they were actually expelled because their skin is black.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron Desantis.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Jill Biden and King charles.]

Michael Che: President Biden called King Charles this week to tell him that first lady Joe Biden will attend his coronation, along with her plus one, the Iowa women’s basketball team.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of King Charles.]

Colin Jost: King Charles said that researchers will be given access to Royal archives after it was discovered that his ancestors had shares in a slave trading company. Yeah, it was called England.

Weekend Update Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science

Colin Jost

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read –  “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?

Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.

Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.

Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.

Colin Jost: This is what science–

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!

Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.

Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.

Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.

Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?

Colin Jost: No.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.