Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.] [the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume] [everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently] [Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

Civil War Soldiers

Jimmy Fallon

Mikey Day

Alex Moffatt

Beck Bennett

Greg… Harry Styles

Captain… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Union Army Camp in 1863.]

Jimmy : I heard we’re marching south tomorrow.

Mikey: Feels like this war’s never going to end. I swear, sometimes, I forget what we are even fighting for.

Alex: Yeah. We’ve been fighting this war so long, I wonder if my family will even recognize me.

Beck: Oh, I’m tired of hearing all this grumbling. How about a song? Something to lift our spirits. A real foot stomper.

Alex: How about ‘Old New York?’

Beck: Ah! Old New York. Now that’s the tune that will put the fight back in you. What do you say, boys?

All: Alright!

Alex: Great song.

[music palying]

Beck: [singing] Well, I’m from New York, I am from up north in yankee land
then one day the union army came a calling
they said son grab up your gun, there is glory to be won
and soon the dixie boys will be a falling

All: One, two, three, it’s the union calls for me
that we fear the grape shot nor the canon roar
oh, liberty and I happily
and bury me back home in Old New York

Jimmy : [standing] And we’re singing like,
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, party till the sun come up

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, we’ll stay up for ever now

[Everone else is staring Jimmy  looking confused]

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, dance until the pills wear off
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,, it’s a party at my parent’s house

[Jimmy  sits back]

Beck: Um, I don’t remember that part of Old New York.

Jimmy : Oh, no. Sorry, I added it. I felt like it needed like a fat catchy hook people can sing along. It’s good, right?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, it’s already stuck in my head.

Greg: You know what would sound good? If you all did a bridge after that hook.

Beck: Hey, Greg, shut up.

Greg: Okay.

Beck: Listen. Old New York is a soldier’s song. It’s about courage and making your loved ones proud. So maybe best not to change it.

Jimmy : Oh, of course. Just musically, it felt like it wanted that hook. Keep going.

Beck: [singing] Now I miss my family and I miss New York City,
but to run away from war is a disgrace
if the rebel shoot me down

Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: Tell my family I was found
Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: On the ground with a smile on the face.

Jimmy : Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa [build up]

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, skinny dipping in the pool
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, all our friends are making out
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,…

Beck: I don’t know what to say.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, it’s a party at my parent’s house.

[Greg walks in]

Greg: Oh my god! there she is, the girl I like
suddenly, it’s all clear
this is the best night of my life
everybody sing it right.

All: Oh, oh, oh–

[Captain walks in]

Captain: What the hell is going on here?

Beck: Oh, I’m very sorry, sir. I thought some singing might boost morale in camp.

Captain: Oh, no. I’m sorry. I was pretending like I was the dad in the song. Like, coming home and seeing the party at my house and be like, “What’s going on?” Being like, angry.

Jimmy : Let’ go. That would be a fun break in the song.

Mikey: Yeah. Maybe it’s like a switcheroo and the dad’s actually into it?

[Beck looks disppointed]

Jimmy : Yeah, yeah. Or we can just do the regular version of Old New York.

Beck: Oh, who am I kidding? That hook is fire. The whole track is absolutely lit. Let’s take it from the dad coming in.

Captain: [clearing throat] Nobody parties at my house! Without me!

Beck: Two, three, four.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,

Greg: Everybody know themselves!

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh…

Jimmy : It’s a party at my parent’s house.

[explosion]

Oh, man! That canon sounded amazing. Hey, props to whoever shot that cannon. That was a fun punch at the end.

Beck: That wasn’t one of our’s.

Jimmy : Then who shot it?

[explosion and smoke effect]

Male voice: And when the smoke cleared, all that was left of the third New York infantry was their bravery, their sacrifice and our nation’s first big fat hook.

Ghost Chasers

Greg… Taran Killam

Sarah… Venessa Bayer

Simon… Kyle Mooney

Megan… Sasheer Zamata

Ronda Banks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?]

Male voice: Ghosts, spectre operations, are they real messages from other side? Or can they be explained by science? Tonight we find out on Ghosts: Fact or Fiction?

[Cut to a house that looks haunted.]

Amherst Massachusetts. The Chapman mansion. Some say it’s been haunted for decades and I was going to find out the truth with the help of my team. A local historian, two paranormal researchers and a scientist &resident skeptic, Ronda Banks.

Ronda Banks: There’s no such thing as ghost?

[Cut to the team getting inside the the house]

Male voice: Together, we entered the house.

Ronda Banks: Well, this is kind of spooky.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: We are currently inside of what used to be the drawing room.

Sarah: The Chadmans disappeared from here over 80 years ago.

Greg: Are you picking anything up in the spectre meter?

Simon: Oh, yeah! Big time.

Greg: Megan. Give us a reading on the cabinet.

Megan: Definitely something here.

Greg: Ronda, go on and check the fire place.

Ronda Banks: [shaking head no] Uh-uh!

Greg: No, go on, check it.

[Cut to Megan Banks gesturing no] [Cut to Simon]

Simon: Hey, Greg, I’m getting a big spike by the windows.

Greg: Alright, shh! Shh! Everyone, silent.

[banging sound]

Ronda Banks: [jumping around] Oh!

[Ronda Banks gets out of the house]

Greg: Even our skeptic was disturbed by the house. And she hadn’t even seen the basement.

[Cut to night vision clip of everybody in the hosue] [banging sound]

Ronda Banks: Oh! Why is the lights off?

Greg: Spirits, show yourselves.

Ronda Banks: Really? You’re gonna ask the spirits to show themselves. That’s so stupid.

Greg: That’s what the whole show.

Ronda Banks: I’m not build for this, man! I thought this was supposed to be about flipping halosis.

Male voice: I was beginning to doubt Ronda’s credentials as the night went on.

[the team is now going upstairs]

Greg: We are currently inside of the twins’ bedroom. This is actually where they were last seen alive. Right here, we have the twin’s favorite doll, Clarabelle.

Ronda Banks: Stupid.

Sarah: The doll disappeared with the family in the 30s and then reappeared in the 70s.

Greg: How does science explain that?

Ronda Banks: It don’t. It’s ghost.

Megan: Ronda, you’re supposed to provide a counterpoint. \

Ronda Banks: Excuse me, but are you trying to tell me how to do my– [bang] What the [bleep]!

[Ronda Banks runs out breaking the house door]

Male voice: Coming up on “Ghosts Fact or Fiction?”, Ronda locks herself in the van.

[the team is at the van telling Ronda to open the doors.]

Greg: Ronda, please get out of the van.

Heinz

Greg… Will Farrell

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people having thanksgiving dinner.]

Announcer: It’s thanksgiving. And it wouldn’t be the holidays without Heinz.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Honey, could you pass the ketchup?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m just happy that we’re all together for thanksgiving.

[Cut to Greg squeezing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a fart.] [Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck: Whoa, easy there, Greg.

[everybody laughing] [Cut to Greg looking embarrassed.]

Greg: That wasn’t me. It was the ketchup bottle.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you sure about that, dad?

[everybody laughing] [Cut to Greg]

Greg: [seriously] Yeah, I’m very sure. [everybody stop laughing] I didn’t cut a fart at thanksgiving dinner. I wouldn’t do that. It’s not who I am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah, dad, we know.

Announcer: It happens every year. The ketchup bottle makes an innocent noise and everyone thinks you ripped one at the dinner table. [Cut to Greg sitting on a sofa thinking about it.] They say they believe you, [cut to Chris and Melissa laughing] but you know what they’re thinking. It’s made every thanksgiving a living hell. [Cut to a video clip of Heinz Relax ketchup bottle.] Until now. Introducing Heinz relax. The ketchup you know and love without the uncomfortable noise. Now when you squeeze the bottle, it’s simply lets out a relaxing sigh.

[Cut to people having thanksgiving dinner.] So, this thanksgiving, things Greg be different.

Greg: Honey, can you pass the ketchup?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Sure.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Can I say I am so grateful to be here—

[Cut to Greg pressing the ketchup bottle. It sounds like a girl moaning.] [Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: What was that?

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: That was a soothing sound of Heinz relax. Looks like this bottle’s almost empty.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: That sounds like—

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: A relaxed sigh. I know.

[Cut to Chris]

Chirs: That ain’t what that sounds like.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Hey, everyone just… [showing the Heinz Relax bottle] relax.

Announcer: Spare yourself from further embarrassment with our whole family of Heinz relax products. Glass bottles. [sounds like men groaning when tapped at the back] Mustard. Even Mayo. [sounds like male moaning] Ohh!

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle: Mom, can I be excused?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Absolutely. [Kyle takes Heine relax bottle with him.] Wait, where are you going with that?

Kyle: My room?

Aidy: No. Put that down.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: The boy loves ketchup, just like his own man.

Announcer: Heinz relax. Now available at your local supermarket. Must be 18 or older to buy.

Supportive Friend | Season 44 Episode 15

Allen… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Greg… Idris Elba

Mikey Day

[Starts with four friends sitting in a bar]

Allen: Hey, here’s to another year of following our dreams. I mean, look, guys we’re really doing it, acting in LA.

Cecily Strong: You mean auditioning.

[Everyone laughs] [Cut to Allen and Aidy]

Allen: Well, you know, I don’t mind auditioning, I see them as little performances. I’m not there to get a part, I’m there to act.

Aidy Bryant: Wow, can I use that?

Allen: Yeah, whatever helps. We’re on this together. [Cut to everybody] Hey, this next round’s on me. I shall return. [Allen leaves to get drinks]

Alex Moffat: Oh hey, look, there’s Greg. Hey Greg.

[Greg walks in the bar and joins]

Greg: Hey guys, man, I got some good news. I’m just going to say it. I booked it. I on the second lead on the new ‘CSI’, ‘CSI: Memphis’.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: No way man! You got the part?

Cecily Strong: Greg, that’s amazing.

[Cut to everyone]

Alex Moffat: You’re perfect for it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, congrats, Greg.

[Allen comes back with drinks]

Allen: Here we go. Greg, what’s up man?

Greg: Really good, man. I was just actually telling the gang that I got the ‘CSI’ gig.

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? Dude. That’s amazing. No way. No. No. Oh. I love that! Yeah. [Cut to Alen] Yeah. Congrats, man. Second lead, right?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Yeah, yeah, the second lead, man.

Allen: Oh! Yes, yes, yes. On second lead on CSI. That’s awesome, man. [Cut to everybody] Look at you, everything’s clicking. You should be happy. I am! What are they paying you? Like $30,000 an episode?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Oh, actually, it’s like $80,000.

[Cut to Allen]

Allen: What the hell is that?  Yes, $80,000 an EP, $80,000 an EP! Such great, dude. You making money, makes me feel happy. [Cut to Allen and Greg] My prayers are answered. I’m loving it.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Allen, are you okay?

Alex Moffat: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking out right now?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? No, I’m good dude. Just pumped for my friend Greg. Excuse! Got to go outside.

[Cut to everybody. Allen leaves the bar.]

Greg: Did I say something wrong, man? I feel like Allen’s upset.

Cecily Strong: No, I think he just can’t handle his excitement.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: No! It should have been me!

Greg: I don’t know, I think he might be a bit jealous.

Cecily Strong: No, Allen’s not like that.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: Somebody love me!

Alex Moffat: Greg, we’re all happy for you, including Allen.

[Allen comes back to the bar]

Allen: Hey, I’m back in the building. What are we talking about? [Cut to Allen and Greg] Still Greg’s thing? That’s awesome.

Greg: Oh, thanks Allen, man. But I know your big break is coming real soon. Man, you got so much to offer, right, especially with Karate thing and everything.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, yeah. Didn’t you come out here to be a Karate actor?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: Yes, I want to be the next Jackie Chan. The Karate forward performer.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: Well, I mean, I’d like to see that.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, me too. [Cut to everybody] Show us some Karate.

Allen: Come on guys, it’s Greg’s big day. I don’t want to steal his thunder.

Greg: Come on Allen, [Cut to Allen and Greg] nothing would make me happier than to see you do some Karate right now.

Cecily Strong: Come on Greg, do it.

[Cut to everybody. Allen starts showing his karate skills. It’s horrible.]

Mikey Day: Guys, check it out. This guy’s doing really cool Karate. [Other people come to watch Allen]

Allen: I don’t know. Something like that.

[Everyone claps]