Weekend Update- The Duncans on the Kama Sutra

Michael Che

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Experts are now saying that one of the keys to a long healthy marriage is to make sure a couples keep their sex lives fresh and exciting. Here to share their experience with the Kama Sutra is a mad couple who tried every position in the book, the Duncans.

[Greg Duncan and Shelly Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eye, face bruises and swollen lips. He is also wearing the neck support.]

Greg Duncan: Hello, Michael.

Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

Greg Duncan: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, you two really tried every position in the Kama Sutra?

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm.

Shelly Duncan: Oh boy, I’m blushing, but yes. I have to say it really spiced things up. I’m more attracted to Greg than ever.

Greg Duncan: Oh, and the doctors say I will make a full recovery. But Michael, before couples attempt the Kama Sutra, they need to make sure they’re on the same page.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Like discuss what they’re both comfortable with.

Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yes. But also that they’re on the same page of the actual book. My wife like to skip ahead

Shelly Duncan: What? I got excited.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. At one point I was on page six trying a position called “beginner’s blossom”, but she had skipped ahead to– what was the name of it?

Shelly Duncan: Broken donkey.

Greg Duncan: Broken donkey. And in that one, I was the broken donkey. You’re shy. She’s shy.

Shelly Duncan: But we were so inspired by the book that we came up with some new positions all on our own. And we think that other couples might enjoy them.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Um, now, this one, Shelly enjoyed quite a bit. But it wasn’t my favorite. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s called “You’re a chair now.” As you can see, the blue is the male and the pink is the female. She is a shy one today.

Shelly Duncan: I’m too shy to go into details but ladies, this one hits all the right spots.

Greg Duncan: Yeah. And all honesty, I had passed out during this one. Um, but Shelly tells me that I loved it. But gentlemen, if you do attempt “You’re a chair now”, insist your wife is barefoot and not wearing her sexy high heels.

Shelly Duncan: Oh, you love high heels.

Greg Duncan: I do love them.

Michael Che: Yes. That looks very painful. You’re a brave man.

Greg Duncan: Well, I have no choice. Another one of Shelly’s creations, she calls it “You my basketball”. [Greg Duncan shows a picture of sex position] It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Shelly Duncan: And ladies, word to the wise, use two hands if you want to dribble your husband.

Greg Duncan: Yes. Absolutely. Or, don’t dribble your husband. It’s up to you. Now, this next position is named after what my wife said while we were doing it.

Shelly Duncan: “Stop whining sandwich boy!”

Greg Duncan: She did her voice. That’s what she does in the bedroom. So the male is the meat and the mattress and the bed spring or in our case, a mattress and wooden bed slats are the bread.

Michael Che: Yeah. It sounds like Shelly made up most of the positions, Greg. Did you come up with any for yourself?

Greg Duncan: I did. This was my favorite. I called this one “Where are you hiding? I’m not done.” Again, based on what my wife was saying.

Shelly Duncan: I did not say that.

Greg Duncan: You did. You get in the zone. You don’t know what you’re saying.

Michael Che: Well, thank you guys for coming. Any final tips for our viewers?

Shelly Duncan: Yes. Be creative. Be open. And stretch.

Greg Duncan: Yes. And also, make sure your insurance plan covers something called consensual intimate trauma.

Michael Che: The Duncans, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 50 Shades of Gray

Michael Che

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

 Michael Che: Thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray films, many couples have been experimenting with bondage and S&M in the bedroom. Here to share their expertise is a couple who recent gave it a shot, Greg and Shelly Duncan.

[Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eyes and his lips are bleeding.]

 Greg Duncan: Hello. Hello, Michael.

 Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

 Michael Che: Now, was it difficult to take that first step into S&M?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, if you’re like me, you might feel a little shy at first.

 Greg Duncan: Yes.

 Shelly Duncan: So, I recommend loosening up with a glass of wine or two.

 Greg Duncan: Absolutely. And going off the theme of proper preparation. It’s also important to figure out the extent to which your limbs can bend before they break. And honey, that goes for you penis as well.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Now, in 50 Shades of Gray movie, there’s a lot of spanking. Is that something you guys tried?

 Shelly Duncan: Oh boy.

 Greg Duncan: Yeah. I can take that one. [Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan] Yes, we did. But just a heads up, as a couple take the time to define what a spank is. Is it an open hand tap on the rear end? Or a closed fist punch to everywhere?

 Shelly Duncan: Gregory!

 Greg Duncan: What?

 Shelly Duncan: Keep some things private, baby.

 Greg Duncan: I’m sorry, baby.

 Shelly Duncan: But my husband makes a good point. Know what your partner feels comfortable with. Like– Are blindfolds okay?

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yeah. Is picking your partner up over your head and burning him on an overhead light cool? Guilty?

 Shelly Duncan: Are handcuffs a fair game? In my case, yes.

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Does being water boarded with your own urine turn you one? In my case, no.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: So, this just sounds painful. What did you enjoy about it?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, we love getting creative and pretending to be other people. Didn’t we, baby?

 Greg Duncan: Uh-huh. I even had a little name for her. I called her mistress Xanda. And what was that little name you had for me?

 Shelly Duncan: Toilet dog. And I would say fun little things like, “Eat your fear little toilet dog. Grr!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Yeah. Well…

 Greg Duncan: She’s shy.

 Michael Che: Yeah, she looks shy. Any final tips for viewers who might still be interested in giving S&M a shot?

 Shelly Duncan: Go for it. A little pain could make a big difference.

 Greg Duncan: Um, yeah. Also, know your blood type.

 Michael Che: Toilet Dog and Shelly Duncan, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!