Barry… Mikey Day
Paul… Kumail Nanjiani
Gretchen… Cecily Strong
Josh… Alex Moffatt
Pat… Pete Davidson
Robber… Beck Bennett[Starts with “Bank Brekers” intro]
Male voice: It’s “Bank Breakers.” With your host, Barry Fielder.[Cut to Barry.]
Barry: Welcome to Bank Breakers where greed isn’t good, it’s great. Let’s say hello to our contestands, Paul and Gretchen.[Cut to Paul and Gretchen. There are money bags before both contestant’s tables.] [Cut to Barry]
The game is simple. Steal each other’s money to win big. So let’s start it off as we always do with a quick cash grabber question. This West Coast city is known as the city by the bay. [beep] Paul?[Cut to the contestants]
Paul: San Francisco, baby! [right answer bell]
Barry: Correct! Steal one of Gretchen’s money bags.[Paul takes a money bag from Gretchen’s table]
Paul: Oh, feels good to take your money. You’re going down, lady. Whoo![Cut to Barry]
Barry: Alright. That self high-five from Paul there who is one step closer to our grand prize of $50,000. What would you do with all that moola, Paul?[Cut to Paul]
Paul: Oh, man! I need a wardrobe refresh. So, I’m buying a bunch of dope jackets and jeans. Jackets and jeans. Whoo! Jackets and jeans.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Jackets and jeans. Nice, buddy. How would you spend that cash, Gretchen?[Cut to Gretchen]
Gretchen: On a medical procedure for my ten year old daughter, Willow, to restore her hearing. [Paul leans in the screen and is showing his thumbs down to Gretchen. Gretchen has cracking emotional voice] She has 90% hearing loss in both ears. [Paul slowly rotates his hand to make it thumbs up] Sorry.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Wow. That’s a very worthy cause. Good luck, Gretchen.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: Barry, I should mention that I will be donating some of my jackets and jeans to the charity, cars for kids.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Pretty sure they want cars, but hey, you do you, man. Paul, you’re up first. Pick a category.[Cut to game screen. There are nine categories.]
Paul: Um, let’s go with Wiz Kid.
Barry: Alright. This category is about that famous boy wizard, Harry Potter. [Cut to Barry] Paul, you can play or pass to Gretchen.[Cut to the contestants]
Paul: Well, you know, I feel a little bad about the way I celebrated when I took your bag of money. So I’ll pass to Gretchen. Give her a shot.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Alright, Gretchen. How are you feeling? Are you a potter head?[Cut to Gretchen]
Gretchen: No. NO. When Harry Potter got big, I was serving four tours of duty in Iraq and I just kind of missed it.[Cut to the contestants]
Paul: She’s a veteran?[Cut to Barry]
Barry: She is. And Gretchen, thank you for your service. So, it’s the military veteran versus the– I’m sorry. What do you do, Paul?[Cut to Paul]
Paul: I do online advertising for Marlboro cigarettes.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Versus Paul. [Cut to split screen with Paul and Gretchen] First question, Gretchen. Name the author of the Harry Potter series.
Gretchen: Oh, boy.
Paul: Oh, come on. You know this.
Gretchen: Um, J– I’ve heard his name before.
Paul: Her. Her name.
Gretchen: Jake Rowling.[wrong answer sound] [Cut to Barry]
Barry: Oh, no. It’s J.K. Rowling. Big tobacco gets the steal.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: Please don’t call me that. [Cut to Paul and Gretchen. Paul takes another money bag from Gretchen.] I am so sorry. Thank you for your service.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Before we continue, Gretchen, I understand your family is here today.[Cut to Gretchen]
Gretchen: Yes. Two of them are. My beautiful daughter, Willow and my handsome husband, Josh.[Cut to Willow and Josh in the audience]
Josh: We’re proud of you, mommy! Even if you don’t win, we’ll find a way fo pay for Willow’s surgery and we are going to find a way to replace everything those Bulgars stole from us.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: Their house got robbed?
Barry: Yeah. Sure did. And who is cheering you on today, Paul?[Cut to Paul. He has very sad face.]
Paul: My roommate, Pat.[Cut to Pat. He is wearing t-shirt with ‘Loser’ written on it and an arrow pointing at Gretchen’s daughter.]
Pete: I’m sorry about this shirt. I didn’t know I would be next to a little girl. Paul told me it would be funny.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: I didn’t know about all their stuff. I’m so sorry. You know, it’s difficult for an immigrant like me to navigate this country’s culture. I grew up in Pakistan. Life there is very hard.[Cut to the contestants]
Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. It is. I spent two years stationed in Karachi. How old were you when you came to the US?
Paul: 14… weeks old.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Wow. So, Gretchen spent more time in Pakistan than you did. That’s crazy. Um, Paul, pick a category, bud.[Cut to the game screen.]
Paul: Let’s go with Pickers and Pluckers.
Barry: Alright. Oh-oh! You found the Bank Breaker! Paul, answer this question right and you take all of Gretchen’s money. But get it wrong, she takes all of your’s. Questions in this category, Paul, are about country music.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: Oh! Okay, I don’t know anything about country music. I’ll play, Barry.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Alright. Darius Rucker scored a hit with this 2011 song about a break up.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: [happily laughing] Oh! I got nothing. I don’t listen to country–
Barry: [interrupting] That is correct. “I got nothing” is the title of that song. Way to get Gretchen’s hopes up, buddy. Man, you are brutal.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: No, no, no. I was trying to lose. I swear it.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Alright. Let’s get Robby the robber out here to help Paul steal Gretchen’s cash.[Cut to Paul]
Paul: No. No. Please don’t bring out the robber guy. Please don’t do this.[Cut to all]
Robber: Sorry, Gretchen. Looks like this money is for jackets and jeans. Not for surgeries. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Whoo! Paul takes a huge lead and he’s headed into round two with all of Gretchen’s cash.[Cut to Paul,Gretchen and robber]
Paul: I don’t want this.[Cut to Barry]
Barry: Bank Breakers will be right back.