Weekend Update- Top Halloween Costumes & Grocery Store Racism

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Halloween costumes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to Google, the top Halloween costume searches this year are for witch, dinosaur and Harley Quinn. Or you can combine all three by going as Kellyanne Conway. [Picture changes to Kellyanne Conway] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Lieutenant governor’s wife called racist slur” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Latin American wife of Pennsylvania’s Lieutenant Governor claims that she was called a racist slur while at the grocery store. It was the worst case of racism at the grocery story since every jar of Newman’s Own Salsa.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “21 year old lemur stolen” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police reported that someone stole a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur from the San Francisco zoo. And for reference, this is what a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur looks like. [Picture changes to Timothée Chalamet]

Colin Jost: While voters across the country right now are making their final election decisions, we’ve sent our own Aidy Bryant to check in with real voters out there in heart land in our new segment Aidy in America.

[Cut to Aidy in America intro]

Aidy, how is it going out there.

Aidy: Not good, Colin. It’s going pretty bad.

[Aidy is in a farm with only animals.]

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Where are you?

Aidy: Um, I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, have you spoken to any undecided voter?

Aidy: No, I have not. Haven’t found a single one yet. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy in America outro]

Michael Che: Fisher Price has launched an online museum showcasing it’s toys over the past 90 years. Or you can see them in person that America’s most famous toy museum The Neverlan Ranch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Deep voiced men more likely to cheat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new research, a man with deeper voices are more likely to cheat on their partners. [speaking in deep voice] But you can’t believe scientists, baby.

Michael Che: Is that voice black face?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Reported homeless man” at right top corner.]

Police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue which was a huge relief because they shot it 15 times.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s getting worse. A woman flying to Detroit said she woke up to a pastor urinating on her. Which explains why her dream was about her being baptized.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of two people with KKK hood on at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Almost a 100 art industry figures have criticized four different museum plans to postpone exhibits featuring an artist’s paintings of the KKK. But if you want to see portraits of clansmen, you can always search Jost on ancestry.com. Okay, whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chicken claw sandwich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: That’s a laughing too much to that. A restaurant at San Francisco selling a fried chicken sandwich that includes a chicken’s claw. Not to be outdone, KFC just announced the ‘beaks only bucket’.

Grocery Store Ad

Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Suzanna… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]

Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.

Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.

Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .

Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.

Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.

Suzanna: Margarine.

Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.

Suzanna: Mint Pringles.

Kathy: Wine from Missouri.

Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.

Kathy: Impossible Lobster

Suzanna: Flouride bananas.

Kathy: And of course Dasani water.

Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.

Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.

Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.

Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.

Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.

Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.

Suzanna: Pepsi crab.

Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.

Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.

Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?

Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.

Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.

Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.

Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.

Suzanna: Peeps soup.

Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.

Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.

Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.

Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.