Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Halloween costumes at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to Google, the top Halloween costume searches this year are for witch, dinosaur and Harley Quinn. Or you can combine all three by going as Kellyanne Conway. [Picture changes to Kellyanne Conway]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Lieutenant governor’s wife called racist slur” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The Latin American wife of Pennsylvania’s Lieutenant Governor claims that she was called a racist slur while at the grocery store. It was the worst case of racism at the grocery story since every jar of Newman’s Own Salsa.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “21 year old lemur stolen” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Police reported that someone stole a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur from the San Francisco zoo. And for reference, this is what a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur looks like. [Picture changes to Timothée Chalamet]
Colin Jost: While voters across the country right now are making their final election decisions, we’ve sent our own Aidy Bryant to check in with real voters out there in heart land in our new segment Aidy in America.
[Cut to Aidy in America intro]
Aidy, how is it going out there.
Aidy: Not good, Colin. It’s going pretty bad.
[Aidy is in a farm with only animals.]
Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Where are you?
Aidy: Um, I don’t know.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well, have you spoken to any undecided voter?
Aidy: No, I have not. Haven’t found a single one yet. I’m sorry.
[Cut to Aidy in America outro]
Michael Che: Fisher Price has launched an online museum showcasing it’s toys over the past 90 years. Or you can see them in person that America’s most famous toy museum The Neverlan Ranch.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Deep voiced men more likely to cheat” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: According to a new research, a man with deeper voices are more likely to cheat on their partners. [speaking in deep voice] But you can’t believe scientists, baby.
Michael Che: Is that voice black face?
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Reported homeless man” at right top corner.]
Police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue which was a huge relief because they shot it 15 times.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Oh, it’s getting worse. A woman flying to Detroit said she woke up to a pastor urinating on her. Which explains why her dream was about her being baptized.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of two people with KKK hood on at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Almost a 100 art industry figures have criticized four different museum plans to postpone exhibits featuring an artist’s paintings of the KKK. But if you want to see portraits of clansmen, you can always search Jost on ancestry.com. Okay, whatever.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chicken claw sandwich at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: That’s a laughing too much to that. A restaurant at San Francisco selling a fried chicken sandwich that includes a chicken’s claw. Not to be outdone, KFC just announced the ‘beaks only bucket’.