Gumby… Eddie Murphy
Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]
Colin Jost: Meanwhile, senator Mitch McConnell fresh off his cameo in the new Star Wars movie, he responded to Pelosi’s delay in sending the articles of impeachment saying, “Hey, fine with me.”
Gumby: Hold, stop the press right now.
Colin Jost: Wait, what?[Gumby walks in] [cheers and applause]
Gumby: What the hell is going on here? Give me a chair. I wanna sit down here, you bastard.
Colin Jost: Ladies and gentlemen, its Gumby![Cut to Gumby]
Gumby: They know who the hell it is. I am Gumby, dammit![Cut to Gumby and Michael Che]
Michael Che: What are you doing here?
Gumby: What am I doing here? The question, Michael Che, is how the hell are you going to put on a show and not have me in the show until now? I should have been in the every damn sketch from the top. [Cut to Gumby] I am the one that made Eddie Murphy a star. He was just a regular corn boy till I saw him.[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby, and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Well, we just thought people wouldn’t know who you were.
Gumby: How the hell are people not gonna know who I am? I am Gumby, dammit! [Cut to Gumby] Let me tell you something. I saved this damn show from the gutter. And this is the thanks that I get for saving the show? Shame on you Lorne Michaels. Shame on you NBC. Shame on you.[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: Alrignt. Gumby, just calm down.
Gumby: Don’t tell me to calm down, trailer boy. [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Gumby] I got to listen to this black bastard telling me that people won’t remember who I am? Do you know why you two are behind this desk? Because your jokes don’t have legs, you Schmucks.[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I pass kidney stones with more personality than the two of you.
Michael Che: That’s a little rude.
Gumby: Face it, kid. Both of you together couldn’t Velcro my sneakers.
Michael Che: Well, you’re not exactly a Christmas character.[Cut to Gumby]
Gumby: What the hell do you mean I’m not a Christmas character? Look at me! I’m green. I’m green and all the children love me. The kids love me. I’m a Christmas character, you jerk.[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che. Gumby had a cigar in his hand.]
Colin Jost: Hey, Gumby. I just want to point out. You’re not allowed–
Gumby: Give me a match, I want to smoke this cigar.
Colin Jost: Yeah, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.
Gumby: Don’t tell me not to smoke, headshot. [Cut to Gumby] I do what I want to do. I am Gumby, dammit. I am Gumby. I want to smoke a Cigar, I smoke a cigar. [Cut top Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I smoke a cigar!
Michael Che: What about your horse, pokey?[Cut to Gumby]
Gumby: You have the nerve to sit there and bring up the name pokey? He’s in the glue factory for all I care. I don’t believe this. I make my triumph of return, and you’re talking about a can of dog food? How did you even get this job? What? You win a radio contest or something?[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: I guess you’re not enjoying the show then, huh?
Gumby: No, that’s not true. I did enjoy some of the show. I liked that sing– What’s the tush.
Colin Jost: You mean Lizzo.[Cut to Gumby]
Gumby: Yeah, That Libbo who, huzza, buzza, pubba. I like her. She’s a real beauty. And you know, colored girls don’t usually do that for me.[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Gumby. That’s extremely prejudice.
Gumby: Hey! Don’t you try to make me out to be a racist, Che. You black bastard. I am, Gumby.
Michael Che: So you want to stay out here or what?[Cut to Gumby]
Gumby: No. I have to get going. It’s too late now. You should have used me. You waste me. I’m going. I’m an old man. I got to get to bed because I got to get up early and take my morning dump.[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Gumby, everybody!
Gumby: I am Gumby, and in the morning I take a dump.
Michael Che: I know.
Gumby: I am staying here. Don’t pack me you bastard, I’m staying. The people love to see me. All right, all right, I’ll go.
Colin Jost: Gumby, everyone!