Towel Guys

Kenan Thompson

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with two towel guys talking to each other]

Kenan: And they looking man, they looking, they looking, and then somehow they find Nemo?

Marcello: No. That’s crazy, man. It’s a big ocean and like a small little fish.

Kenan: Oh man. They got lucky, man. What can I say? They got lucky?

Heidi: Hey, can I get a towel?

Kenan: Yeah, one more. Hey, you American?

Heidi: I am, yeah.

Marcello: Ellen Dememenemes?

Heidi: What?

Marcello: You know, the TV lady. Ellen Demenemes. She always come out dancing. You know what I mean? Like…

[Marcello and Kenan start dancing]

Heidi: Okay.

Kenan: You don’t know Ellen Demenemes? She married to the car. The Porsche. This chick is funny, man.

Heidi: Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres. Can I please have my towel?

Marcello: Of course. No problem.

Heidi: Okay, that took way too long.

Kenan: [mocking] Oh, I’m sorry. Way too long. You know? Last night I saw this movie ‘Mission Impossible’. But the mission not impossible because he gonna do it.

Marcello: They should call it ‘Mission He Probably Gonna Do It’.

Kenan: Right?

Michael: What’s up, fellas? Can I get a towel por favor?

Kenan: Oh, my friend is on dualingo.

Michael: Ah! You know, to show you a little taste.

Kenan: Yeah. You American?

Michael: Yeah, I’m from New Jersey.

Marcello: Oh, Tony Soprano.

Kenan: Tony Soprano.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli.

Kenan: Give me a cannoli.

Marcello: Give me a cannoli, or I’m gonna drown you.

Kenan: One thing about Tony, man. You don’t give him his Cannoli, he gonna drown you. That’s easy for him coz he’s strong.

Marcello: Hey man, here’s your towel.

Michael: Thanks. Gracias. Todo del banyo.

Marcello: Dualingo.

Kenan: You’re welcome for the bathroom, man. Did you guys see?

Mike: Ah, what’s so funny?  Did you guys see Ellen Demenemes?

[They start dancing]

Kenan: No, no. She’s not here.

Mike: Well, I just want to take in with my two favorite towel guys.

Marcello: Hey, question for you. Is it true that you trying to replace us with a machine?

Mike: No, no, no, I would never do that. No.

Kenan: Could you please?

Marcello: Yeah, man, because then we can do different job in the hotel. You know, I want to fold the toilet paper into a little triangle. So for the first wipe is crazy.

Kenan: Yeah. And I want to be the concierge. You know? I get a map. And then I circled things on the map. And then I say you can go down.

Mike: Well, as William Shakespeare once said, the very substance of the ambition is merely a shadow of a dream.

Sarah: Excuse me. I’ve been waiting 15 minutes for my umbrella.

Mike: Sorry, I no speak English. [Sarah leaves getting frustrated] Guys want to know a secret? I do speak English.

Marcello: Oh man, you’re crazy.

Kenan: Oh my god. Mamacitas, two o’clock.

Chloe: Hey, can we get a couple of towels?

Marcello: Oh yes, of course. This one for the old little mermaid and one for the new little mermaid.

Kenan: A whole new girl.

Chloe: Yeah, very funny, guys.

Ego: And that song is from Aladdin. Yeah.

Kenan: Aladdin?

Marcello: Like, climb on a-ladder?

Kenan: Climb on a-ladder.

James: Hey, I’m having the time of my life down here in Punta Cana.

Marcello: Oh, that’s nice.

James: Yeah, I love the way you’ll be playing with the plantain. I didn’t think I was gonna like it, but now I’m like banana for dinner? Okay.

Kenan: Hey, man, you know who you sound like? You sound like the Forrest Gump.

Marcello: Oh yeah. That guy who can’t find Yanni, you know? His brain don’t reach his leg, so he can run forever.

Kenan: So he can run forever.

James: Hey, I just want to thank you fellows for all your help today. Do you mind if I give you a little something for your trouble?

Kenan: Oh, yes. It’s okay, we accept tips, papi.

James: I’ll do you one better than a tip. How about a prayer? Here we go. Lord, please protect these wonderful Dominican gentlemen from the harsh rays of the sun Lord.

Marcello: That’s nice.

Kenan: I wanted the money.

James: Please, Lord, this morning, please put a cool fresh breeze in their hearts, Lord.

Marcello: That’s good.

Kenan: The money will be better.

James: And Lord, protect them from all evil in Jesus name. Amen.

Kenan: Alright. Thank you very much.

Marcello: You know Jesus is good.

Kenan: Yes, Jesus is good. Money is better. You know what I’m saying? Hey, you know who has a lot of money?

Both: Ellen Demenemes.

[they start dancing]

Try Guys

Laura Fields… Ego Nwodim

Colin O’Doherty… Brendan Gleeson

Eugene Yang… Eugene

Zack day… Zack

Keith Dismukes… Keith

[Starts with CNN TODAY intro]

Laura Fields: Welcome to CNN today. I’m Laura Fields. Let’s go right to the White House with our very own Colin O’Doherty. Colin?

Colin O’Doherty: Thanks, Laura. President Biden just reiterated his steadfast support for Ukraine after last night. I’m sorry, I’m just hearing.

Laura Fields: Colin. Colin is everything okay?

Colin O’Doherty: And that’s confirmed. Okay. Yes. Sorry, Laura. I’m getting breaking news that the Try Guys have now in fact responded to the whole Ned Fulmer situation. Wow.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry, what?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, it’s obviously an evolving story but CNN can confirm that the Try Guys have released their official YouTube video clapping back at ex-Try Guy Ned Fulmer, the wife guy try guy. He disrespected the brand by making out with one of the food babies at the Harry Styles concert. It’s a sad day indeed. Colin O’Doherty, the White House.

Laura Fields: I’m going to be honest, Colin, I don’t know what any of that is. What in the world is a Try Guy?

Colin O’Doherty: Laura, how do you not know the Try Guys? Oh. They’re BuzzFeed pranksters who try stuff. Like trying fingernail polish or weird hair cuts. Hell, they’ve even tried eating bugs.

Laura Fields: Gotcha. Back to President Biden. Russia’s escalating threats to the west with a tax plan—

Colin O’Doherty: Sorry to interrupt, Laura. This is unbelievable. I’m told we actually have the three remaining Try Guys on the line. Ready to talk? Are you there, Try Guys?

[Cut to Try Guys] [cheers and applause]

Keith: Hello.

Eugene: Hello.

Zack: Hi.

Colin O’Doherty: Wow, first off, Eugene, Zack, Keith. It’s an honor.

Eugene: Thank you. This is— Yeah, it’s just surreal. There’s a lot of anger on this couch.

Laura Fields: Okay, welcome, Try Guys. I’m trying to understand why this story is such a scandal. Was this affair non consensual?

Zack: No. Worse. He committed the heinous act of having a consensual kiss and not telling us, his friends.

Laura Fields: I’m sorry. Why is that heinous?

Colin O’Doherty: Well, you have to remember the power dynamics, Laura. He’s a Try Guy and she’s a food baby.

Laura Fields: Right, right, right. Yeah, you’ve said that. So what now?

Keith: Well, we’ve conducted an internal review with a team of HR professionals and are no longer working with white guy wife guy try guy Ned. I don’t know what else to say. He has to pay.

Laura Fields: Okay. Wow. So the full story is that your friend had a side chick and you fired him?

Eugene: Yes, we had no choice. And we hope he has somewhere on his back with a bullet in his brain and belly.

Laura Fields: Walk. Is that a bit extreme?

Colin O’Doherty: No. Well, you have to remember Laura. You have to remember Laura, the side chick was the food baby.

Laura Fields: Yeah. You keep saying that. What is a food baby?

Colin O’Doherty: Food babies is a spin off food show on the Try Guy’s channel, you idiot.

Laura Fields: Okay, stop. Turning back to the actual news. Iran is on the cusp of a new cultural revolution being—

Keith: Cut back to us.

Laura Fields: No.

Keith: Due to the trauma we are facing, our editors are working around the clock to remove any trace of Ned from past Try Guys content. This is the battle of our lives.

Laura Fields: Bro, Jay Z cheated on Beyonce. It’s gonna be okay.

Eugene: Cut back to us. Look at me. This is the face of grief.

Laura Fields: No, it’s not.

Eugene: It is though. And just FYI, we are still going to be releasing some previously filmed branded videos. So yeah, you might see Ned in sweet green presents the Try Guys try salad with bugs on top.

Zack: And it will still be amazeballs, but it will also be sad balls. We’re all processing this horrific, violent and probably racist tragedy.

Laura Fields: Can you come back to me please

Keith: No. Stay with us. Hear this America, we will never stop bringing you the same Try Guys adventures.

Eugene: I will still be trying super weird Cambodian food. Zack will still be trying super weird Malaysian food. And Keith is still going to try wearing a thong for a week because it’s our duty.

Zack: Okay, this is too traumatic. This interview is over. Please.

Colin O’Doherty: Thank you for your bravery, Try Guys. Know that the country is with you. What’s today’s date? Whatever it is, never forget. For CNN, I’m  Colin O’Doherty.

Laura Fields: And they’re millionaires. Okay. I’m gonna go see what ketamine is all about. This has been CNN today. Good night.

[Ends with CNN TODAY outro]

Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.