Halloween Archives - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Weekend Update- Drunk Uncle on Why He Hates Halloween

Colin Jost

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick or treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle.

[Michael Che slides in. He’s drunk.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: This is Halloween. This is Halloween. Halloween, Halloween, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Happy Halloween, everybody. I’m sorry, you can’t you can’t even say it’s All Hallows Eve anymore. You gotta call it All Hallows Steve.

Colin Jost: I don’t think you do. Drunk Uncle, are you ready for Halloween?

Michael Che: Halloween is for socialism, Colin. These kids today, they don’t even work hard jobs no more. You know? When I was a kid, we were shoeshine shimmy sweeps extra extra paper boys. You know? Nowadays, it’s just, “Excuse me. Can you Instacart me some mochi?” What? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Can you Minecraft my Metaverse please? No, you be real.

Colin Jost: All right. Well I guess you’re not excited for Halloween.

Michael Che: Tom was too good for Dizelle.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. What do you mean?

Michael Che: TikTok dance. TikTok dance. Okie dokie. You like it.

Colin Jost: I do. I do.

Michael Che: [yelling] The whole country is falling apart, Colin. Okay? Everybody’s quiet quitting now.

Colin Jost: Quiet quitting?

Michael Che: They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Okay. They’re quiet quitting. Excuse me. Quit. We used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager and we were scared. And also a few a couple of those immigrantes Illegados, if you know what I mean. Do you know?

Colin Jost: I think I know.

Michael Che: It’s me, Chris Pratt. Burf. Not my Mario.

[Michael Che falls asleep]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle?

Michael Che: Yes, I was here on January 6.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: [singing] Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna bep bep bep be. [starts crying]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle.

Michael Che: Wild wild crocodile, okay? So I didn’t graduate from an elementary, okay? So I’ll never be beyond burgers, okay? Never. Big magma guilty of water Pounder with Cheese Malaya fishy hamburger with cheese burger, a happy meal. JFK blown away. What else do I have to say? That’s not me.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t think that’s anyone.

Michael Che: Donda?

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: Donda? Donda?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to talk about Kanye.

Michael Che: Yes, I most certainly do, Colin. Okay? I’ve been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say.

Colin Jost: Oh, no.

Michael Che: Okay? And guess what? I think he might be crazy. That kind of talk doesn’t fly anymore. I learned a lot. I learned a lot during the pandemic more. Okay. I did the work. I know that Back Adams manner. Okay? I saw bros in theaters pal. Okay? And no homo? It was great. Okay, I said it before and I’ll say it again. Gay guys are still funnier than women.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right.

Michael Che: [knocking Colin’s forehead] Knock knock.

Colin Jost: Who’s there?

Michael Che: Elon?

Colin Jost: Elon who?

Michael Che: I don’t know. But he just made me CEO of Twitter.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Halloween Red Carpet Show

Tina Lefaye… Cecily Strong

Dean Dumont… Mikey Day

[Starts with video clips of people walking around in Halloween costumes]

Male voice: Live from the sidewalk, it’s the post Halloween red carpet special.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Welcome, everyone. I’m Tina Lefaye. It’s 2:53AM on Halloween night and the streets are absolutely packed with adults in costumes, leaving bars and parties and trying to figure out how to get back to where they live. And the stars are out tonight. Aren’t they Dean?

Dean: They sure are, Tina. [there’s a person wearing dinosaur costume walking like he’s drunk behind Dean]In fact, look who’s already here. A drunk guy in an inflatable dinosaur costume. And I think he’s gonna fall and get hurt.

[the guy in dinosaur costume falls down]

There it is. Tina?

Tina: Well, Dean, I’m here with an absolute icon of the post Halloween scene. [Chloe is looking around for her Uber] A wasted white girl who can’t find her Uber.

Chloe: I am here. Where are you?

Tina: Now Miss, I see you’re holding your shoes instead of wearing them. Can I ask why?

Chloe: Blizzards. [on phone] Dude, oh my god, speak Eng-gish.

Tina: Oh-oh, things are getting racist here. So Dean, back to you.

Dean: All right. I’m here with another late night Halloween star. A guy who is upset people didn’t appreciate his costume.

[There’s a guy wearing a suit who has a palm stuck on his cheek]

Devon: Look, man, I’ll a “Slap Chris Rock” It’s funny. This is a genius costume, man. Whatever. People are dumb.

Dean: Okay, amazing. Tina.

Tina: Okay, now I rarely get starstruck. But just beside me is a staple of post Halloween everywhere. It’s a guy who really wants you to ask about his costume. So I see you claim to be the scariest thing in the world. And what is that?

Marcello: The patriarchy. [showing back of his t-shirt]

Tina: And I see patriarchy is spelled wrong. Now, you clearly hope this costume would get you laid. Has it worked?

Marcello: No. But uh, the night is young.

Tina: Hard pass. Dean.

Dean: Tina, we were hoping he’d show up tonight. And he has it’s a frat guy dressed as a giant tampon.

Jack: What up? Sigma.

Dean: Sigma. How are you tonight?

Jack: I’m chillin, bro. Sigma.

Dean: All right, sigma. Now I have to ask, how has the costume gone over?

Jack: I mean, the vibe I’m getting is like people were chill, laughter at us. Like, women who are like smart are disgusted by me.

Dean: Okay. And what’s next for you tonight?

Jack: I’ll probably get in some legal trouble or something. But my dad will handle that for me. So.. You know where I can score some coke?

Dean: I’m sorry. I don’t. Tina.

Tina: Not the last time we’ll be asked if we know where to get coke tonight. Now I’m here with a real highlight of the post Halloween scene. A guy who was in a group costume but lost his friends.

Bowen: My friends and I went as the village peoplem but I can’t find them. And now, everyone thinks I’m a real cop. I’m not. This is a squirt gun. It’s filled with tequila. I need my friends. Where are my friends?

Tina: Yikes. Dean?

Dean: Well, we heard a rumor she’d be making an appearance. It’s an impossibly drunk Dora the Explorer. And this was fun. She so- Whoa! Ha-ha. She’s so faded. She’s only saying one thing and it has absolutely nothing to do with her costume.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: One more time.

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: All right. And why are you saying Tom Brady?

Dora: Tom Brady.

Dean: Okay, well, best of luck tonight. And I hope you find your pants. Tina.

Tina: Okay. Well, I don’t think he’s going to stop. But behind me you can see the sober middle aged man who is trying to walk his dog.

Sober man: Excuse me. Excuse me. People live here. Thank you.

Tina: Dean.

Dean: Well, here’s something you don’t normally see at 3AM. It’s a dad who clearly forgot to take his kid trick or treating earlier.

Kenan: Yeah, go and ask him for some candy.

Dean: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have any. Can I ask? Why you have a child out at three in the morning?

Kenan: You can ask Sheila. She texted me at 8PM saying I’m dropping them off. And I say not my weekend, Sheila. I’m getting my drink on right now, Sheila. And she says it is your weekend, which turned out it actually was. Anyway, we are here so it’s fine.

Dean: Okay, now what’s your child dressed as?

Kenan: Oh, he had Chipotle bag.

Dean: Wow, look at that. That’s so cool, buddy. Yeah. Oh, wow, Tina.

Tina: Wow, indeed. Well, we have to take a break. But we have so much more ahead, including trying to figure out if the guy behind me is dressed as Dahmer, or is an actual pervert.

Dean: I vote for pervert. Plus more with our bad dad.

Kenan: Hey, man. I’m a good dad. You know where I can get some coke?

Dean: I do not. Keep it right here.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Halloween Dating Tips

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Oh, baby– This is what this is, oh god. Oh baby, do you know what next week is? Hint, it’s my favorite. THat’s right, it’s Halloween. Here with his Halloween tips is Guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Trick or treat, smell my meat, give me somewhere good to skeet. Ha-ha. Thanks for having me, Col-dren Ghost. It is really ‘grave’ to be here.

Colin Jost: Who are you? The Crypt Keeper?

The guy: Ha-ha. Any-hay-ride, here’s how to treat your trick to a scary good all hallows beeve. It’s all about the spooky getaway to set the mood. Take it from Weeknd Update and take a weekend up state. Do some leaf peeps, and the panties will be just like the foliage, dropping. Ha-ha. Or take her wine tasting and you’ll find out why they call them finger legs. Buckle up. Either way, play your cards tight and you’ll be like cinnamon inside her. I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk spooktacular mack-tivities that will lead to love potion 69. If you don’t want to jack your own lantern, here’s how to make sure you don’t end up like the horseman headless. Fellas, to increase your fellash ratche, put in the eff and track down a quality hau-ho. That’s haunted house in laying-man terms. Or take her to as the native amaze mage would say an amaze maise mage.

Colin Jost: Can I leave?

The guy: Not yet, pal. You’ll spend few hours bobbing for apples, just flailing around, teeth first, not getting anywhere. And eventually, she’ll tap you on the head and she’ll say, “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself when you leave.”

Colin Jost: Are you still talking about a corn maze?

The guy: And if you’re heading to the pumpkin patch, no need to wait all night. This great pumpkin comes immediately.

Colin Jost: Alright. Can you just wrap it up?

The guy: I mean, I can, but I don’t. What? They slide right off. It’s slender, man. Cool. Now, let’s talk stumes, comma-co, comma-ca. I myself am a masquerade connoiseur.

Colin Jost: Really? That is surprising.

The guy: Ay, who’s got thee thumbs and loves costumes? [pointing at himself] This guy.

Colin Jost: Three? Oh my god.

The guy: Col, all that barely there, derrier-bearing scary wear is skimply amazing. And ladies, thank you. Muchas gracias for the generous erect deposit into my banko-spanko. Those memories will blast a lifetime and make my ghost bust.

Colin Jost: Your ghost?

The guy: Ah, it’s basically invisible. What can I say? Busting makes me feel good. And it makes her say, “Wait, already? Your belt’s still buckled.”

Colin Jost: Alright. I think that’s enough.

The guy: Wait, wait. I have one more just the tip for the boys. Remember, getting the right candy can lead to a tight handy. If you want to get betwixt the milky ways of a sweetheart, avoid the smarties and nerds and find yourselves some airheads, Colly Rancher. I like an almond joy, nuts on top.

Colin Jost: Were you in like, a horrific accident?

The guy: And soon, you’ll be asking her the quintessential ques, butt her finger?

Colin Jost: Those are the options?

The guy: But fellas, before the party, take her down to the marina and she’ll be saying “witchcraft”? I have a boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat!

The guy: It’s got dry rot.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed & Halloween Robot

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Twitter logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter is launching a program to ‘pre-bunk’ misinformation posted on the site. But I don’t know. They taught us in health class that even ‘pre-bunk’ can get you pregnant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says ‘Confirmed by senate along party lines’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow. The senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. Party lines is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panera Bread logo and a pizza at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Panera announced that it’s adding pizza to it’s menu, which is a kind of fun story your aunt would have posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Department logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New York city police officer was suspended after he used his loud to yell “Trump 2020”. According to NYPD guidelines, Cops can only whisper “Trump 2020” as they choke someone out. I thought that was a fun one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bud Light seltzers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But Light has introduced new flavors of it’s hard seltzers for the holiday season including apple crisp, peppermint paddy and ginger snap. Though it’s hard to taste the flavor when you’re so drunk, you reach for a Bud Light peppermint paddy. And hey guys, fun tip, you can also make your own Bud Light peppermint paddy at home by combining Scope and Vodka.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron Jeremy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Prosecutors have seven additional counts of sexual assault against porn star Ron Jeremy, who now faces a possible 300 years in prison. But, if anyone can last that long, it’s Ron Jeremy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “man builds robot to hand out candy”.]

Colin Jost: And guys, a man in Texas built a robot to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He calls it “The sex offender loophole 3000”. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Biden Halloween Cold Open

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Nate Silver… Mikey Day

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Lil Wayne… Chris Redd

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now, a holiday message from former vice president, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden sitting in his home. He has his house decorated for Halloween.]

Joe Biden: Greetings, America. It’s a spooky time filled with demons and darkness. Also, it’s Halloween. For some Trump voters, it’s the only day they’ll wear a mask. Do you like my decorations? I borrowed them from Melania’s Christmas display, which reminds me, there’s another holiday right around the corner.Election day. If you’re like most Americans, you’re excited to vote and very, very worried about the outcome. But don’t worry. They say I made points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon. [There’s a blue moon outside of Joe Biden’s window.] Hah! Well, that’s a little troubling. But tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story. [Joe Biden pulls out Donald Trump Jr’s book ‘Triggered’. Then immediately puts it away.] Hah! That one’s a little too scary. [He pulls out another book] It’s Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven, a classic poem. You know, in the 1800s, people would read this and soil their pantaloons. Let’s see how it holds up. It’s hard to open.

[Joe Biden opens the book]

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while Trump retweeted QAnon theories
and rifled through his Adderall drawer
I was writing my acceptance speech when something stopped me with a screech
it was a knock upon my chamber door
it was someone still a little sore

[Hillary Clinton walks in the door as the raven]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: Who made me scared of four years more
Quoth the Clinton…

Hillary Clinton: …We’ve lost before, Ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: I said, “Raven, stop being such a drag
we’ve got this one in a bag

it’s what every pundit said from shore to shore

Hillary Clinton: Not Michael Moore,
he says voters are being under counted in the polls
also even if you do win on Tuesday,
the election could still be stolen from you

Joe Biden: I said, “Common! No one would dare.
I’ll be sworn in fair and square
all the votes will be accounted for

Hillary Clinton: Just like Al Gore?

Joe Biden: This time is different, I can win
the people know I have a plan

Hillary Clinton: But your real advantage is you’re not a woman, you’re a man

Okay, you got this. Okay.

[Hillary Clinton walks out the door]

Joe Biden: I checked the website at 5:38
to find out my election fate
Nate Silver, you will know the score
even though…

[Nate Silver is standing there]

Nate Silver: I was wrong before.
So, look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one in six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So, for example, [Nate Silver rolls a die] hah! One! Well, I guess that shows you that it’s technically possible, however unlikely, but roll it again an you will see that it’s a… [rolls the die again] hah! One! But roll it again… [rolls the die again] and ‘electoral college tie’? That’s not even an option. Okay, I’m just going to leave because I think our country is haunted.

Joe Biden: Our country is not haunted. We just have to come together like two butt cheeks to stop the crap.

Decent folks out there I ask,
hasn’t Trump failed at his task?
do not elect him anymore
though Ice Cube and Lil Wayne…

[Cut to Ice Cube and Lil Wayne wearing MAGA hat]

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: … are voting for.

Joe Biden: Why in the name of all that is holy
would you be voting for Trump?

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: Taxes!

Lil Wayne: Plus, Trumps got a new platinum plan.

Ice Cube: That’s right. If you got a platinum record, you can plan on him doing a photo op with you.

Joe Biden: Trump cannot win,
we must do better
than that spray tan super spreader
still I will win coz I’m a baller
just ask my running mate Kamala

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Come on, Joe, you know it’s Kamala

Joe Biden: I know. I took some artistic liberties to preserve my rhyme scheme.

I know a lot’s uncertain but I believe I’ll win this race.

Kamala Harris: And that’s why Mitch McConnell…

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

Mitch McConnell: …is stopping by, just in case
Joe, my old pal from the senate. Don’t tell anyone this but I’m kind of pulling for you. You’re doing great. [Mitch McConnell showing thumbs up. His thumbs are injured.]

Joe Biden: My god. What happened to your hands, lobster boy?

Mitch McConnell: Oh. No. This is just very calm and normal condition called ‘old man purple’. Basically my blood hates me so much, it’s trying to reave my body. Either that or I’m too far away from my horcrux.

[Mitch McConnell runs out]

Joe Biden: So, whatever happens, America, know that it’ll be okay.

Kamala Harris: Our nation will endure. We will fight another day.

Joe Biden: I’m sure it will be peaceful no matter who has won.

Kamala Harris: Though it’s never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns
use your voice and use your vote
democracy will represent

Joe Biden: This daylight savings time, let’s gain an hour and lose a president.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Top Halloween Costumes & Grocery Store Racism

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Halloween costumes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to Google, the top Halloween costume searches this year are for witch, dinosaur and Harley Quinn. Or you can combine all three by going as Kellyanne Conway. [Picture changes to Kellyanne Conway]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Lieutenant governor’s wife called racist slur” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Latin American wife of Pennsylvania’s Lieutenant Governor claims that she was called a racist slur while at the grocery store. It was the worst case of racism at the grocery story since every jar of Newman’s Own Salsa.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “21 year old lemur stolen” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police reported that someone stole a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur from the San Francisco zoo. And for reference, this is what a 21 year old ring-tailed lemur looks like. [Picture changes to Timothée Chalamet]

Colin Jost: While voters across the country right now are making their final election decisions, we’ve sent our own Aidy Bryant to check in with real voters out there in heart land in our new segment Aidy in America.

[Cut to Aidy in America intro]

Aidy, how is it going out there.

Aidy: Not good, Colin. It’s going pretty bad.

[Aidy is in a farm with only animals.]

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Where are you?

Aidy: Um, I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, have you spoken to any undecided voter?

Aidy: No, I have not. Haven’t found a single one yet. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy in America outro]

Michael Che: Fisher Price has launched an online museum showcasing it’s toys over the past 90 years. Or you can see them in person that America’s most famous toy museum The Neverlan Ranch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Deep voiced men more likely to cheat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new research, a man with deeper voices are more likely to cheat on their partners. [speaking in deep voice] But you can’t believe scientists, baby.

Michael Che: Is that voice black face?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of news article that says “Reported homeless man” at right top corner.]

Police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue which was a huge relief because they shot it 15 times.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s getting worse. A woman flying to Detroit said she woke up to a pastor urinating on her. Which explains why her dream was about her being baptized.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of two people with KKK hood on at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Almost a 100 art industry figures have criticized four different museum plans to postpone exhibits featuring an artist’s paintings of the KKK. But if you want to see portraits of clansmen, you can always search Jost on ancestry.com. Okay, whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a chicken claw sandwich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: That’s a laughing too much to that. A restaurant at San Francisco selling a fried chicken sandwich that includes a chicken’s claw. Not to be outdone, KFC just announced the ‘beaks only bucket’.

Weekend Update Willie on Halloween

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Woodrow… Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Halloween [laughing] is right around the corner and I for one am not looking forward to it. But here to give me in the spirit is my neighbor, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat, smell my foot.

Michael Che: You mean feet?

Willie: Not anymore, I don’t.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

Willie: Oh, this is one of my favorite times in a year, Michael. Did you buy a costume yet?

Michael Che: I’m not buying a costume, Willie.

Willie: Oh, so you’re gonna make your own? That’s smart. [Cut to Willie] Last year I dressed up in my bed sheets and went as a spooky white yellow ghost. But it’s like they always say, “That sheet still wet, Willie.”