Birdie the Early Bird… Sarah Sherman
Ronald McDonald… Mikey Day
Hamburglar… Bowen Yang
Mayor McCheese… Kenan Thompson
Grimace… Miles Teller
[Starts with four characters from McDonald’s standing together in a jungle]
Birdie the Early Bird: Wow, it’s so great. McDonald’s is getting the gang back together for a new ad campaign.
Ronald McDonald: Totally. This is gonna be so fun. Hey, has anyone seen Grimace?
Hamburglar: No, but if I know him, he’s snarfing down a couple of free Game burgers.
[all laughing]
Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, probably more than a couple, huh?
Grimace: Hi, everyone. [Grimace walked in all jacked up]
Ronald McDonald: What the—?
Grimace: Hey fellas, hello.
Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? Oh my god Did you—
Grimace: Lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah.
Ronald McDonald: Man you You look incredible. I had no idea—
Grimace: I lost 300 pounds and got totally yoked up? Yeah.
Hamburglar: Okay, so then how did you—
Grimace: Drop 300 and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work. Drink a lot of water and oh, I also stopped eating McDonald’s for every meal.
Ronald McDonald: Well, I’m happy for you. Paula must be thrilled.
Grimace: Oh, well yes, she’s happy for me. But yeah, we got divorced.
Birdie the Early Bird: Oh, no. You guys were so solid. What happened?
Grimace: Well, I got this new body and— Look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer.
Hamburglar: Swerving? What swerving?
Grimace: Cheating constantly on my wife.
Ronald McDonald: Cool. So look, maybe we shoot that commercial? Yeah?
Grimace: Absolutely, man. It’s your world. It’s been a long summer of self discovery. And I just want you to know, if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let’s do this brother. I’m excited.
Ronald McDonald: Okay, great. Everyone ready?
All: Yeah.
Ronald McDonald: And action.
[music playing]
Birdie the Early Bird: I wanna make double.
Hamburglar: I wanna steal your hamburgers.
Ronald McDonald: I want to give the whole world a happy meal.
Grimace: And I, well I’m a bisexual man.
Ronald McDonald: And cut! Cut.
Grimace: Wow, felt really good to say that.
Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? You’re bisexual?
Grimace: Yeah, I like both. This summer I realized that. I was getting off a plane. And when I said bye to the flight attendants, one of them shook my hand and kissed it. And I realized I like both.
Hamburglar: Okay, congrats Grimace.
Grimace: And I’d like to say that I’m bi in commercial. It’s really important to me and I don’t even really eat McDonald’s anymore.
Ronald McDonald: Yeah, well, let me think about that.
Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, if you’re happy, we’re happy.
Grimace: Happy? Yeah.
Grimace thinking: Am I happy? Yeah, I don’t know. I think I am happy.
Grimace: Guys, I have some pretty big news. I’m bisexual.
Birdie the Early Bird: Yeah, you said that already.
Grimace: Well, it’s just liberating to let go of a secret but I guess you guys wouldn’t understand.
Mayor McCheese: Well, I got a secret.
Hamburglar: Oh my god, ham and cheese.
Ronald McDonald: I forgot you were there. You literally haven’t said a thing since we’ve been here.
Mayor McCheese: Well, the thing is, I ain’t always have a cheeseburger for head. See when I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to McDonald’s. Outside on the street, man, was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. She looked busted. Shorty had bumps on her nose, asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway. Long story short, I threw a bunch of brand new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. That’s how I got this cheeseburger head. Also, I’m bisexual. I like both.
Grimace: Hell, yeah.
Birdie the Early Bird and Hamburglar: We’re bi too.
Grimace: Ronald, how about you, haul? You bi?
Ronald McDonald: Sure I’m bi… buying a peloton, so I can start swerving like Grimace.
[cut to McDonald’s outro]
Male voice: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, I’m lovin’ both.