Alex Moffat
Of Fred… Amy Schumer
Of Warren… Kate McKinnon
Of John… Aidy Bryant
Of Gary… Cecily Strong
[Starts with “Handmaids in the City” intro]
Female voice: Let’s face it, ladies. In 2018, a handmaid’s tale is basically our “Sex and the City.” So, whether you’re Of Fred or Of Warren, you’ll love who lose all new spinoff show, “Handmaids in the City.”
[Cut to Of Fred having her meal. She is talking to Alex. He a guard with a taser in his hand. All women are wearing red robes and white bonnets.]
Of Fred: We’ve been sent good weather.
Alex: Praise be.
Female voice: As I waited for the girls in Downtown, Gillette, I was feeling like an uptown gal and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are women allowed to do anything anymore?”
[Of John and Cecily walk in]
Of John: Under his eye.
Of Fred: Oh! Under his eye? What about under my eye? Look at these bags.
Cecily: Oh, stop it, Of Fred. You know it doesn’t matter what our faces look like,
Of Fred: As long as we’re fertile.
[ladies laughing]
Cecily: Of John, how’s the new place?
Of John: Amazing. It’s rent controlled. John controls me. And I don’t pay rent.
[ladies laughing]
Cecily: You’re bad.
Of Fred: Yeah, but not too bad. Otherwise you get [makes choking sound, gesturing her hand as hanging on a rope].
[ladies laughing]
[Cut to the show intro]
Female voice: From the Executive Producer of “Sex and the City” and 80 year old author, Margaret Atwood, it’s a show critics are calling, “So brutal” and “More uplifting than the news.”
[Cut back to the ladies. Of Warren joins them.]
Of Warren: Sorry, I’m late.
Of John: Under his–
Of Warren: [interrupting] Ah! don’t. [She has swollen eye.]
Of John: Ooh.
Of Fred: Did you get a little work done?
Of Warren: Is it that obvious?
Of John: No. It looks good on you. You look younger.
Of Warren: Well, this is what I get for reading a newspaper.
[ladies laughing]
Cecily: Of Warren, something really is different about you.
Of Fred: I know. It’s that new manolo bonnet.
Cecily: No. No, that’s not it. You lost weight?
Of Warren: I gave birth. Does that count?
[ladies laughing]
[Cut to the show intro]
Female voice: You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll say, “Oh my god, this so could be me and my friends. You know, with the way things are going.”
[Cut back to the ladies]
Of John: Gals, guess what I did last night?
Of Fred: Are your rashan in silence and cried into your straw bed?
Of John: Yes. Classic me.
Of Warren: Well, I had sex with a married couple.
Of John: Ooh, so did I. Who would have guessed we’d be having three ways in our 30s?
Of Fred: Three way? How about a one way ticket out of here?
[ladies laughing]
Cecily: So, I’m seeing someone new.
Of Warren: Really?
Cecily: Yeah. I’m Of Gary now.
Of Fred: Bless it be the fruit.
Of John: Bless it be my fruit. I’m sweating under these robes.
[ladies laughing]
Of Warren: Oh! I hate to always talk about our guy problems. But my commanding officer Warren and I are having issues.
Of Fred: Of what? What’s wrong?
Of Warren: Argh! It’s his ex. His last handmaid hung herself and he’s just not over it.
Of Fred: So, you’re saying he’s ‘hung up’ on her?
[Alex tases Of Fred]
Of Fred thinking: As I was getting tased, I was shocked at my lack of rights in this new world but stunned at how amazing I look in red.
[Of Fred smiles as she gets tased.]
[Cut to show outro]
Female voice: “Handmaids in the City.” If you’re not traumatized, you’re not watching TV.