Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a stone at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Scientists in Britain have uncovered a 4,000 year old etching of a face in a rock, which may be the first stone age selfie, or, hear me out, it isn’t.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Handwritten letters by founding father Alexander Hamilton were sold at auction for more than $2 million. And you know they are authentic because they all being- [in accent] “Yo, my name is Hamilton and I’m here to say…”
[Picture changes to McDonald’s]
Michael Che: This is why my cousin was gonna rob you. [Colin Jost laughing]
Colin Jost: It’s the best I got. McDonald’s has announced that it will be offering two new versions of Big Mac, one for each type of diabetes.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Earth at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new study shows that the global temperature has reached a record high and the bumblebee has been added to the endangered species list which is alarming. But it’s hard to get people to freak about bees dying or global warming because everyone loves warm weather and they hate bees. Maybe if it were the other way around, people would actually start getting involved. Maybe if the weather report in Miami was like, “Yo, tomorrow’s gonna a high of 8 degrees and mad bees.” It’s just certain things just feels too overwhelming to take on. Like, when you learn the consequences of climate change and the extinction of bees, you have two options. You can either A, ignore it and hope it works itself out, or B, become the guy that bring up bumblebees on a first date. The girl asked you, “So what do you do?” “Well, I dedicated my entire life to preserving the bumblebee.” And she’s just sitting there like, [picture changes to Michelle Obama] “Mm!”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a car and a handcuffs at left top corner.
Colin Jost: A couple in Maryland were arrested after they were discovered having sex in their car while two kids were in the back seat. Worse, the kids kept asking, “Are you there yet?”
[Michael Che laughing]
[picture changes to Ringling Bros and Barnum Bailey logo]
It was announced that after more than 140 years, the Ringling brothers circus will close in may due to falling ticket sales and protests from animal rights groups. The animals will be released in a sanctuaries while the clowns will be released into the woods.