Chris Redd
Mark… Alex Moffat
Liz McKellen… Heidi Gardner
Hank… Kenan Thompson
Karen… Aidy Bryant
Mindy… Melissa Villaseñor
Gary… Daniel Craig
Debbie Downer… Rachel Dratch
[Starts with Chris speaking in a wedding reception.]
Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear some noise for our newly hitched, Mr. and Mrs. who have been stealing some kisses, Mark and Liz McKellen, y’all!
[cheers and applause]
Hank: Aw, you know, I never thought that Liz would settle down but Mark is the perfect match. [raising glass] To happily ever after
All: To happily ever after.
[A woman walks in wearing a gas mask]
Woman: Is this table nine?
Karen: Oh! Wow. Um, yes, it is. It sure is.
[The woman takes a vacant seat]
Mindy: We’re in the fun table.
[The woman is trying to eat without taking off the mask.]
Gary: Looks like you’re gonna have to take the mask off to eat unless you’re gonna poke a little hole in the middle there. [pointing at the mask]
Karen: Yeah. Don’t worry. None of us are sick. We’re just a little tipsy.
[The woman opens her mask. It’s Debbie Downer.]
[cheers and applause]
Debbie Downer: Well, unfortunately with COVID-Chris9, you can display no symptoms and still be wildly contagious. Hi, I’m Debbie.
[Cut to the show intro]
Song: You’re enjoying your day
everything’s going your way
then comes Debbie Downer
Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
a car accident or killer bees
you’ll beg her to spare you “Debbie, please!”
but you can’t stop Deddie Downer
[Cut to the dining table at the wedding reception]
Gary: That’s a pretty elaborate mask. It kind of looks futuristic. Is it?
Debbie Downer: Um, I bought one of the last N-95s on amazon. They said to forego masks, but good luck nabbing one when we’re facing a world wide pandemic.
Karen: Yeah, I’m sure we’re all gonna be okay.
Mindy: So, Debbie, maybe we should introduce ourselves.
All: [hooting] Table nine! Table nine!
Karen: I’m Liz’s aunt Karen. And this is my daughter Mindy.
Hank: Yes. And I’m cousin Hank. And this is uncle Gary.
Gary: And why are you here?
Karen: Hey, hey.
Gary: I don’t know. I mean, how do you know happy couple?
Debbie Downer: Oh, I am Mark’s first cousin, once removed for trespassing.
Gary: How about a little drink? Maybe that will you know, loosen you up a little?
Debbie Downer: Oh, I don’t wanna drink too much. Last time I drank, I was almost #MeToo’d.
Mindy: Oh, that’s terrible. Did someone take advantage of you?
Hank: Now, why would you delve?
Debbie Downer: I was on one of those ‘just lunch’ dates and choked on a crouton. My date had to give me the heimlich. He clearly thought the bottom the bottom of my ribcage was much higher. #NotBuyingIt.
Gary: Question. Do we have to stay at our assigned tables?
Hank: Yeah. Debbie, why don’t you go say hi to the bride and groom?
Debbie Downer: Oh, okay.
[Debbie Downer walks to the bride and groom]
Hey, congrats you guys. This is a beautiful wedding. I wanted to give you my gift though. [gives them an envelope] Here, open it. I made a donation in your name to my favorite charity.
Liz: Oh, thanks. Oh, $twentyfive donation to pounce for cure?
Debbie Downer: Um-hmm.
Liz: A cure for what?
Mark: No. Don’t ask that.
Debbie Downer: Feline AIDS. It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.
Mark: Hey, uh, Debbie, you know, they’re serving the entrée, so why don’t you go sit down and stuff your mouth with good food?
Debbie Downer: Okay, enjoy guys.
[Cut to the table nine]
Hank: Yes!
Gary: Oh, I’m ready for my beef.
Karen: Yeah. These mashed potatoes look like heaven.
[Debbie Downer takes her seat]
Mindy: After we eat, I’d vote we get a line dance.
Gary: Oh, yeah.
Debbie Downer: Hey, speaking of voting, how do you guys feel about Trump?
[Everybody gets upset.]
[Karen looks happy.]
Oh, look guys, I just caught the bouquet. You know who else loves flowers? Honey bees. Too bad they’re on their way out.
[Outro]
Song: But you can’t stop Deddie Downer