Colin Jost
Derek Zoolander… Ben Stiller
Hansel… Owen Wilson
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week was fashion week in New York city. Here to comment on the latest trends in men’s fashion, please welcome Derek Zoolander and Hansel.
[Derek Zoolander and Hansel slide in]
[cheers and applause]
Wow. You know, I gotta say, you guys look really great.
Derek Zoolander: Oh, no.
Hansel: You don’t have to say that.
Colin Jost: And now, tell us, what’s the latest from Fashion Week?
Hansel: No, no. Listen Colin, we’re not here to talk about fashion. We’re here to talk about the one thing everyone wants to hear male models talk about. Politics.
Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what specifically about politics?
[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Hansel: Fashion.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Colin Jost: Have you been following the current candidates?
Derek Zoolander: Well, as you know [Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel] they just held the Iowa Kus-kus. Which I skipped because I don’t need carbs.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Colin Jost: Well, the big story was that Hillary Clinton won in Iowa.
[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Hansel: Well you know, Hillary is from the 90s which are very hot right now.
Derek Zoolander: So hot.
Hansel: They remade the X-files and full house and I don’t know if you saw this on the news Tuesday, but OJ Simpson killed again.
Derek Zoolander: Hillary style reminds me of one of my old time fashion icons. Kim Jong Un. Not to name drop but I’m pretty good friends with his sister, Kim Kardashi-Un.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Colin Jost: Alright, and what about Bernie Sanders?
Derek Zoolander: Bernie is the champion of the 99%. Apparently, the 99% off the JC Fendi.
Hansel: Yeah, look at that suit. Hey, Chernobyl called. They want their disaster back.
Derek Zoolander: Yeah. And then Chernobyl called back and they were like, “Look at that suit!”
Hansel: You know, Bernie is getting lots of young people to vote. But remember kids, voting can be dangerous. One time I was voting and suddenly the booth came in on me. And I was falling and falling into the swirling vortex of light when suddenly I realized, Hansel, haven’t you been drinking Ayahuasca for six straight days? And couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head? And it was. Turns out I can’t even vote. I’m a felon.
Derek Zoolander: Cool story Hansel. Next, we got Tom Cruise. [Cut to picture of Ted Cruz] He has totally let himself go. This is a real Mission Impossible for a stylist.
Hansel: Makes me wanna keep my eyes wide shut!
Derek Zoolander: Yeah. He should take his top gun and do some risky business with a cocktail. Jerry McGuire.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Colin Jost: Guys, that’s not Tom Cruise. It’s Ted Cruz with a Z.
[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Derek Zoolander: Zed Cruz? That isn’t even a name.
Hansel: Come on, Colin. Take it easy.
Derek Zoolander: Yeah. Why don’t you pop a xanax and chill like your buddy Lester Holt!
[Cut to Michael Che.]
[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Colin Jost: No, no. Alright, I hesitate to ask you guys this. What do you think of Trump?
Derek Zoolander: Oh, we love him.
[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Hansel: OH yeah.
Derek Zoolander: Donnie’s just like us. He has the classic male model looks.
[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]
Colin Jost: Male model like, you mean like, Lu Steel?
Derek Zoolander: Exactly. But Donnie had Orange Mocha Crapaccino. And this one’s called Hot Mess. And finally after Iowa, He’s got a new signature look, Second Place.
Colin Jost: Derek Zoolander and Hansel everyone. For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.