Glen… Beck Bennett
Jenny… Aidy Bryant
Amanda… Cecily Strong
Denice… Leslie Jones
Janet… Melissa Villaseñor
Doug… James Franco
Charlie… Kenan Thompson
Tommy… Mikey Day[Starts with Glen talking to his employees]
Glen: Folks, can I get you to gather over here? Sorry to interrupt your lunch, everyone. I just want you all to be clear that here at Beta Corp, we have zero tolerance for workplace sexual harassment. And all offenders will be trminated.[The employees applaud]
That being said, unfortunately, we had to fire our CFO Doug Giffer.
Amanda: Yeah. Good riddance.
Glen: And, also our front desk guy, Charlie.
Janet: Not Charlie!
Glen: And if it’s okay, we’ve asked them to come out and formally apologize to all of you before they leave. Come on out here, guys.[Doug and Charlie walk in]
Doug: [sigh] Thank you, Glen. I just want to say to all of you that I am deeply and truly sorry for anything inappropriate that I may have done while working here.
Charlie: Yeah. My bad.
Doug: Janet in particular. I know that I have playfully referred to you as my little honeybee. And it made you feel uncomfortable. And I know now, it was wrong. And I’m sorry.
Janet: It was gross. And you’re gross.
Charlie: [Charlie does not sound serious at all] Janet, I know that sometimes you would walk by me. And I’d be saying something like, “Umm, umm.” Then I’d shake my head, do a little dance, and ask you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It was wrong. I’m sorry.
Janet: [laughing] Charlie, you’re so crazy.
Amanda: Oh, that is classic Charlie.[Doug is confused]
Doug: Um, okay. Um, Amanda, there was one time at a meeting recently where I commented on your dress and your figure and even though I mentioned it was a compliment, apparently, it was still inappropriate. So, for that, I’m sorry.
Amanda: Oh, apparently? Okay. Well, apparently, you still don’t get it. And that’s why they fired your creep ass.[All the employees clap]
Charlie: Mandy, Mandy, sweeter than candy. I remember I said something about that dress too. I think it was a long lines of, “Umm, umm. Woman, you are thicker than a bowl of biscuit. Why don’t you make Charlie a pair with extra jelly?” Then I did a little dance. Told you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It wasn’t appropriate. That’s my bad.
Amanda: [laughing] Charlie, you are just too much.
Charlie: Oh, you know I ain’t got no sense.
Denice: [to Glen] You can’t fire Charlie. It’s just Charlie.
Glen: It was a corporate decision, Denice. My hands are tied.
Doug: Wait, um, Denice…
Denice: What, creep?
Doug: Look, I know that you didn’t like me suggesting to you that you get further ahead in this business if you smiled a little more, but it was just advice.
Denice: Well, it sucked and you suck.
Jenny: Ah! That is legit awful, Doug!
Doug: Okay. I know. That’s why I’m saying sorry now.
Charlie: Denice. You know, at one time, I think I may have suggested that if I was 11 years younger, I’d put you in a large sack, throw you in a truck, drive you to my sister Betty’s house with a big old medical bed, crack open all the window to show you a good old times for 28 minutes.
Denice: [laughing] I guess that’s my loss, Charlie.
Doug: How are you okay with that
Denice: Shut up, man! That’s just Charlie.
Amanda: Yeah. He’s a sweet old man.
Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s the holidays.
Glen: Believe me, I don’t want to. I wish I was just firing Doug too.
Charlie: No, no, no. Don’t worry about me sweet sexy Jenny. Maybe I can get a job at Santa. Then I can sneak down your chimney, tie up your old man, crack open all the windows and give you a 28 minutes present. Umm, umm. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing!
Jenny: [laughing] Thank you, Charlie.
Doug: Thank you? He said he wants to break into your home, tie up your husband and crack open the window for some reason.
Charlie: That’s to getting the funk out.
Doug: Okay, and then, have sex with you.
Jenny: Okay, don’t make it gross, Doug!
Janet: Yeah. Why do you have to make everything sexual?
Amanda: He’s a sweet old man. What is your deal?
Doug: Well, it just feels like you guys are going easier on him coz he’s a charming old black man and he has done way worse stuff!
Tommy: But, he’s Charlie!
Doug: What does that mean?
Charlie: Look, maybe Doug is right. Tommy, you remember that time I met your fine ass wife at the office Christmas party?
Tommy: Of course, I do, Charlie.
Denice: I remember that.
Charlie: And I held her hand up and twirled her around and then I yelled out, “Ain’t no way lil’ bitty Tommy hitting this thing right.”
Charlie: And then, later on, I saw your junk at the urinal and it was a good stuff. So I went back out to the party and I yelled out, “I stand corrected. Homeboy Tommy is packing some heat!” And then everybody laughed.
Tommy: [smiling and nodding his head] Yeah.
Charlie: You think that’s why I’m getting fired?
Glen: Um, no. No. It’s not, Charlie. It actually has nothing to do with sexual harassment. The corporate says they have you on camera stealing $380 in petty cash. Plus, they found half a pound of cocaine in a bag of tiny balloons in your locker room.
Charlie: Oh, okay.
Glen: And you saved a ton of pornography into the lobby desktop in folder marked “Charlie’s stuff.”
Charlie: Oh! So you found that.
Glen: Yeah. And you signed out the company van, reported it was stolen and it was found three days later parked outside of a brother with your keys still in the ignition and your brother asleep in the front wheel.
Charlie: What? Claud was still in there?
Glen: Yeah. And your name’s not Charlie. It’s Ronald Washington. And you’re wanted in Pennsylvania for kidnapping.
Charlie: Oh! So it’s still kidnapping if I bring them back. Okay, that’s my bad. That’s my bad.