The View- Jack Harlow

Whoopi Goldberg… Ego Nwodim

Joy Bay Hart… Sarah Sherman

Sara Haines… Chloe Fineman

Sunny Hostin… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with the show intro] [Cut to the show set]

Whoopi: Hi, I’m Whoopi Goldberg. And I’m technically not the star of The View. But I am the only one here who has ever been asked for an autograph. And as always, I’m joined by the Pippin to my Jordan, Joy Bay Hart.

Joy: Oh, come on. I’m Rodman. Tell me I’m Rodman.

Whoopi: No, you ruin some hotel rooms in Vegas. That’s for sure. [laughing]  We’re also here with a couple of members of the B team.

Sunny: Thank you, Whoopi.

Sara: Very nice. Anyway, some of you may recall on Monday, our interview with Ted Cruz was interrupted by climate change protesters. But today we are looking forward to a more upbeat episode with a very exciting guest. Please welcome, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in]

Thanks for coming, Jack.

Jack Harlow: Hey ladies, thanks for having me. A can I just say, Whoopi, it’s an honor. You are an icon.

Whoopi: Oh all right. Don’t compliment me all quiet like that Jack. I have been closed for business since before you were born.

Jack Harlo: Well, I’m looking forward to the grand reopening.

Whoopi: No, no, no. Come on. I am a dead woman walking. Alright?

Sunny: Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude to our guests but there is something I wanted to say about the protesters earlier this week. I—

Whoopi: No, no, no, we’re not doing this again. They came to the show talking about a stop big oil. Like, what do you want me to do?

Joy: It’s an important issue, Whoopi.

Whoopi: They want me to stop Big Oil? How? I don’t know him.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Save the planet? My god, I’m already saving our rating.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Joy.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: Jack, what do you think?

Jack Harlow: It’s all good. But Whoopi, is it the global warming or is it just like getting a little hot in here?

Whoopi: Baby, please. We would never work. The only MCs I need in my life are my cats and my cigarettes.

Sara: Can I just say, personally I think we should speak about climate change.

Whoopi: Um-hmm. Okay. Okay, thank you sweetheart. But we moved on. Back to the matter at hand, the one and only Mr. Black Harlow.

Jack Harlow: Would you stop playing with me? It’s just Jack.

Joy: Well, I got a question for you Black. You and a lot of other rappers feature scantily clad women in your videos. Don’t you think that’s objectified to those girls?

Whoopi: Oh please. Those bimbos took the gig.

Joy: Come on, now, Whoopi.

Whoopi: I’m sorry, but it’s a music video.

Joy: Whoopi!

Whoopi: What they think it was for? A damn science video?

Joy: What on earth is a science video? Did I say that, Whoopi?

Whoopi: You did say that.

Joy: I did not say that.

Whoopi: You basically said that.

Joy: So Jack, what do you say?

Jack Harlow: Yeah, I guess I’ll just say there’s a lot of beautiful girls in my videos, but you know, right now what I need most is a woman.

Whoopi: Okay, I don’t know what you’re trying to do to me. But it is working. I’m feeling like Indiana Jones just stepped on a booby trap. Because my whole dusty cave has started to rumble.

Jack Harlow: I like that movie. Maybe we should watch it together sometime. I hope you’re not afraid of snakes.

Whoopi: Okay, Jack. Am I sensing a metaphor?

Jack Harlow: Whoopi, I’ve met a lot of fours (metaphor), but today I met a 10.

Joy: Wait a minute. So the snake was about his— Oh my god!

Whoopi: Well Joy, I am wet. And that’s all the time we have today folks. Bring it to mama.

Jack Harlow Monologue

Jack Harlow

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Harlow.

[Jack Harlow walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jack Harlow: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is incredible. My name is Jack Harlow and it’s been a big year for me. I put out my second album. I went on a world tour. I just shot my first movie White Men Can’t Jump. And a lot of people have been saying I’m the GOAT. They don’t mean greatest of all time, they mean that one from Narnia.

Yeah, I don’t know what it is about me but people on the internet, they liked the roast me. I don’t mind I think it’s funny. One guy said I don’t know why y’all think Jack Harlow is so special, you can find somebody who looks like him at any local gas station. I’ve heard them say I look like if you tried to draw Justin Timberlake from memory. I think my favorite one might be Jack Harlow looks like the guy who rips the tickets in half the movie theaters. Do y’all agree?

There’s also a strange amount of rumors about me. Some people think I’m only 5’10’, stop it. Other people think I was created by the CIA? No telling. Some people have even gone as far as to accuse me of being white.

I seen a lot of kids running around dressed as me for Halloween too. And I just want to say like cut it out because my culture is not a costume. I’ve also heard people try to romantically link me and little NAS X’s item. But I’m going to tell you right now. No, everything that happened between us was casual and consensual, and one of the best nights of my entire life. Working with him. Working with him.

You know? What’s really crazy though, is that this show is live. Like, really live. It’s one of the last real live shows. Basically, it’s just this in the office. So… I can really do anything right now. Like technically, no one can stop me. I don’t even have to stay on the stage. In fact, I think I’d like to leave this stage.

[gets a mic from someone]

Thank you.

[walks to the audience]

What’s your name?

Mikayla: Mikayla.

Jack Harlow: Everybody, give it up for Mikayla please.

[cheers and applause]

Is there anything, with the world watching, you’d like to say?

Mikayla: Huge Jack Harlow fan.

Jack Harlow: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thank you so much. Everyone says to give it up for Mikayla. Wow.

[walks back to the stage]

That’s beautiful. I just want to give a shout out to my family. My mom and dad are here tonight. My grandparents are here tonight. I’m so grateful for you. Y’all are the reason I get to stand on this stage and say- We have a great show for you tonight. I’m here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.