Home Alone 2

Kevin… Melissa Villaseñor

Pigeon lady… Kristen Wiig

Harry… Kyle Mooney

Marv… Mikey Day

Male voice: It’s the 30th anniversary of Home Alone. And to celebrate, 20th century studios is releasing this never before seen ending to the Christmas classic, “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”

[Cut to the scene where the boy walks to the woman who is feeding pigeons.]

Kevin: Merry Christmas!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Wonderful to see your face.

Kevin: I just want to say thanks. When I was all alone here in the city, you were my friend.

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. It is I who should be thanks to you. Everything you gave me, the hot chocolate, the company, it’s hard being homeless. Specially during the holidays. But at least I have my pigeons.

Kevin: Whoa! So you sleep here?

Pigeon lady: Oh, yes. I have a place under the bridge over there.

Kevin: Cool. I’m sleeping at the room at the Plaza. It’s huge….. Well, see ya’!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. You said, “The Plaza”? But you’re just a child.

Kevin: Oh. I use my dad’s credit card. It’s crazy. I can get anything I want.

Pigeon lady: [her stomach is making noise of hunger] Anything?

Kevin: Yeah. Today, I had a giant pizza inside a limousine. Okay, take it easy.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Very well.

Kevin: Wait. Hey, sorry. I just had an idea. [pulls out a pizza box.] I had all this pizza left over and…

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Yes. My stomach is just–

Kevin: Yeah. It shouldn’t go to waste. Here you go, pigeons! [Kevin throws all the pizzas.]

Pigeon lady: [looking at pigeons eat the pizza] Ha-ha. Look at them go. You know, Kevin, I had an idea as well.

Kevin: Oh, yeah? What’s that?

Pigeon lady: Well, see, as you have that fancy credit card, maybe you could get two hotel rooms?

Kevin: Two hotel rooms for one kid? I don’t think so. You’re funny. Well, goodnight, pigeon lady.

Pigeon lady: Goodnight.

Kevin: Wait. Something just occurred to me. I have enough money to get you a room too.

Pigeon lady: Oh, really?

Kevin: Yeah. It’d be my pleasure. I’ll rent a suite for you as long as you want. And maybe some new clothes and food too. It is Christmas after all.

Pigeon lady: Indeed. Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Kevin: Merry Christmas, pigeon lady.

[The thieves find Kevin]

Harry: Not so fast. Didn’t think you could lose us that easy, did you kid?

Marv: Yeah. Remember us? It’s Santi Clause and his little elf.

Harry: Turns out you’re on the naughty list.

Marv: And after all you’ve done, I think it’s time for a little payback.

Harry: Maybe in the form of your daddy’s credit card.

Pigeon lady: No, you can’t take this from me!

[Kevin runs and beats the thieves.]

Kevin: Wow! Holy smoke!

Pigeon lady: This is my ticket out of here. Die! [Kevin starts hitting the thieves with her umbrella. She’s getting all bloody.] Die! Die!

Kevin: [screaming] Ah!

Pigeon lady: Very well. There it is then. Two junior suits or one big one?

Kevin: The big ones.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Let’s all have a Merry Christmas then.

Kevin: Did you kill those guys?

Pigeon lady: No, Kevin. We killed them. We killed them.

Weekend Update- Princes William and Harry

Michael Che

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: President Trump recently cancelled a trip to London with many are saying the royal family’s relationship with president Obama played a factor. Here with an official statement from Buckingham Palace are Prince William and Prince Harry.

[Prince William and Prince Harry slide in] [cheers and applause]

Prince William: Hello.

Prince Harry: What’s up? Hi, Michael. What’s up, my dog?

[Prince Harry does the gang handshake with Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Okay. Well.

Prince William: Good evening, Michael.

Prince Harry: What’s up?

Michael Che: It’s an honor to meet you. And thank you for coming all the way here from London.

Prince Harry: Yes. Michael, we’d like to apologize. Unfortunately, William’s hair was unable to make it this evening.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: It’s devestating.

Prince William: Oh, bravo! Hilarious. Yes, a bald joke. Yes, buzz the sides this week. Rocking the Bruce Willis look broke the internet.

Prince Harry: No. Bruce Willis shaves it all, man. You’re a British Larry David. It’s not good. Shave it.

Prince William: Okay. You’re speaking of hair, how was the quidditch match, Ron Beasley?

Prince Harry: Ron Beasley? Who’s Ron Beasley?

Prince William: The red head one.

Prince Harry: It’s Ron Weasley.

Prince William: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares?

Prince Harry: Everyone cares.

Prince William: Nobody knows that.

Prince Harry: It’s Harry Potter. It makes up half of England’s economy. Come on. Just shave it, Will.

Prince William: Okay, just shut up about the hair.

Prince Harry: What hair? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.

Prince William: I love you more.

Prince Harry: Yeah? Alright. Windsor boys.

Prince William: Windsor boys.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Prince William and Prince Harry: Bangers. Match. Hello.

Prince William: It’s a secret handshake, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I saw. Very cool. Hey, before you give your statement, I just want to thank you again for coming to the show.

Prince William: Um, of course, Michael. Um, we love American telly. Um, my brother’s fiancé is Meghan Markle. She’s in the American program Suits.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Wednesdays, 8 PM, USA network. Check it out. She’s amazing.

Prince William: Right. Um, the only difference between that show and this is people watch this one.

Prince Harry: Oh! [clapping] Hilarious. What is it that you’re always watching? Wills? What is it? Oh, yeah. Kate’s Handbag. Right? Kate’s Handbag.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha. Right.

Prince Harry: This guy goes shopping with Kate four times a week.

Prince William: She likes hats.

Prince Harry: She loves hats.

Prince William: [to Michael Che] Kate’s my wife.

Michael Che: I know who Kate Middleton is.

Prince William: Beautiful woman.

Michael Che: Yeah. Fine.

Prince William: great mom. Whenever the kids are being fussy and not going to bed, she puts on an episode of Suits and they’re out. Ha-ha.

[Prince Harry puts his pinky finger in his mouth and then inside Prince William’s ear.]

Oh, what are you doing?

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Ouch.

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Stop it. Stop it.

Michael Che: Did you just give him a wet willie?

Prince Harry: Yes. In England, it’s called moist Matthew.

Michael Che: Alright. I feel like I should remind everyone why you’re here which is to address rumors president Trump cancelled his UK trip because your family’s relationship with the Obama’s.

Prince Harry: Yes.

Prince William: Right. [Prince William opens a paper and reads it] Buckingham Palace does not comment on political matters. Thank you and goodbye.

Prince Harry: “Thank you and goodbye,” said William’s hair.

Prince William: Alright, enough.

Michael Che: Prince William and Prince Harry, everybody.

Chocolate Droppa’s Listening Party

Chocolate Droppa… Kevin Hart

Harry… Pete Davidson

Roy…Jay Pharoah

Caren… Leslie Jones

Mark… Bobby Moynihan

Carl… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Chocolate Droppa with his friends in the studio]

Chocolate Droppa: Yo! I just want to thank you all for coming to my listening party, man! It means a lot to me, you know that? Finally finished my first album. I’ma be honest man, I couldn’t have done it without my crew.

Harry: Yo, we love you Jamiel!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: No, no, no! Yo, yo, yo, yo! Drop the Jamiel stuff, y’all. It’s Chocolate Droppa now, man! That’s my name. I came up with it yesterday. Y’all like it?

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ha-ha-ha. Sort of.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Well, listen. Before I play this song, man, I just really want y’all to know that you guys, was the inspiration for this track. You know what I’m sayin? You’re my crew. I got you back, man!

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ah, man! Respect, dawg!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Look, I got the hook already but I really ain’t laid down vocals yet. So, what I’ma do is, I’ma sing the song live for y’all man.

[Chocolate Droppa’s friends clap for him] [Cut to Royand Caren]

Caren: Alright. Let’s hear that thang!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Ay, look. Buckle up. Let me tell you something. Droppa’s about to spit it, you hear me? Alright, ay! [Cut to everybody] I’ma about to set it all for you, alright? [Chocolate Droppa plays the beat] [rapping] Here I go, all day, let’s get ready, let’s go
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew pop-pop gunshot sounds

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Yo! That hook is super hard bro!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! It ain’t even started yet! Watch, yo!

here it go
I’m tight with my crew
we tell each other everything
I know all their secrets
so here’s a song about their secrets

[Cut to Harry looking confused]

Harry: Wait, what?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Uh!
first up, let me tell you about my boy Mark

[Cut to Mark looking confused]

Mark: Maybe don’t!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Uh! Uh! Yo! Yo!
Mark ain’t paid his taxes in ten years
owe the government about thirty thou
pow-pow
if convicted he could do up to ten
in the pen pow-pow-pow

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Come on, man!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Let’s go!
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew gunshot sounds
Yo! Next up is Carl. Here we go. Let’s go, uh!
Carl got the herps the lip kind
he tried to cover it with lipstick
but we all know it’s there Carl

[Cut to Carl covering his mouth.]

Carl: I din’t know what he’s talking about.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa:

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
yeah! uh! Harry! Harry!
Here it come! Harry, here it come!
Harry is a Muslim but he eat pork

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: That’s not true.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah, yeah, yeah
he popped gummy bears all day all day
gummy bears have gelatin
and gelatin come from pig
that’s pork! you didn’t know that, did you?
dumb bitch!

[cut to Harry. He spits the gummy bears out.]

Harry: Why didn’t anybody tell me?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Gun shots, what? Gun shots, what? Uh!

[music stops] [cut to everybody]

Yo! Yeah! Yeah! Yo, y’all thought I was finished, didn’t y’all?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Nope!

[music playing]

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
Yo! Saving the best for last
Caren- Caren- Caren- Caren
Caren and Roy accidentally killed Steve
they think nobody know, I know
they don’t wanna get in trouble
now, it’s a week and in burning situation.

[Cut to Royand Caren. Steve is sitting on sofa in front of them wearing sunglasses.]

Roy: Come on, man! [Royand Caren are holding Steve’s hands and waving them.] He good! He good! Man, look at him.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Pop-pop, pop-pop!

Yo! I love my friends, man! I love y’all. So, what did y’all think? It’s fire, right?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa’s friends. The’re pointing guns at Chocolate Droppa.]

Wait a minute. Hold on now. Wait, what’s going on? Wait, what part of the song made y’all mad?

[gun shot sounds] [cheers and applause]