Bill Hader
Kristen Wiig
Harvey Fierstein
[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[the band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.
[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage.]
[cheers and applause]
Bill Hader: Wow!Thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to get here hosting Saturday Night Live. What? Oh! I am so nervous. [audience laughing] It’s not a joke. I am so nervous.
A girl in the audience: I love you!
Bill Hader: I love you.
[audience cheering]
Never ever supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book. [audience laughing] Bill Hader0 years ago, I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America, doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles. And Megan Maloney saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, here I am. It’s crazy.
[cheers and applause]
You know what? Despite all the years in this show and all the movies, I still get up every morning and I go into work on Iron Chef. [audience laughing] Who I am?
I have a new film out right now called ‘The Skeleton Twins’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. With Ms. Kristen Wiig. It’s a spectacular Halloween remake of the classic film ‘Twins’. [audience laughing] You’re very surprised by the good reviews. You know, when I was on this show, I was known for doing impressions. I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda. Basically, I could do anyone over 80. But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone. It’s very low. Kind of like Harvey Fierstein. [audience laughing] Yeah! And even though I always dreamed of singing on this show, I’m not gonna put you through that. Okay, don’t worry about it.
[Kristen Wiif walks in]
[cheers and applause]
Kristen! Kristen! I told you to stay back stage.
Kristen Wiig: I don’t recall that. Look, I’m here to help you, Bill. It is your dream to sing on SNL and you’re gonna do it.
Bill Hader: I can’t
Kristen Wiig: Of course, you can.
Bill Hader: Uh! Don’t make me sing.
[music starts playing]
Kristen Wiig: You have to. You have to, because I wrote this song. And if you don’t sing it, I don’t get paid. And I need the money, because I just bought a pantine boat.
Bill Hader: Don’t you mean a pontoon boat?
Kristen Wiig: No, it’s a Pantine boat. I only wash my hair on it. Listen to me.
[singing]
I know you can sing it
go ahead and wing it
they are gonna love it
Bill Hader: No, but Kristen, it’s not that easy. You can do anything!
Kristen Wiig: I know. [audience laughing] Actually, that’s not true. I can’t play the saxophone, but most everything else. Bill, come on, don’t be scared.
[drums roll]
Kristen Wiig: #HaderSinging, it’s already trending
now you have to do it
tonight’s your night
you’re gonna wild the crowd
Bill Hader: Really? [Bill Hader starts rocking his body]
Kristen Wiig: No fear, coz I’m here
so Bill just sing it loud
Bill Hader:[singing horribly] Thank you Kristen Wiig
thank you for talking me into this
this is a dream come true [audience laughing]
I’m really killing this.
Kristen Wiig: Okay, stop, stop.
[cheers and applause]
With love, yikes! That was really, really bad. I love you, but don’t ever do that again to television.
Harvey Fierstein: Don’t listen to her! Don’t listen to her!
[Harvey Fierstein walks in]
[cheers and applause]
Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig: Harvey Fierstein? What are you doing here?
Harvey Fierstein: I am here saving the day, dammit! Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill?
Kristen Wiig: I just got here.
Harvey Fierstein: There’s saxophone back stage.
Kristen Wiig: There better be!
[Kristen Wiig walks away]
Harvey Fierstein: Billy, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t sing from your head. You gotta sing from your heart. [pointing at Bill’s penis] Sorry! You gotta sing. You gotta listen to me sing, just like me.
Bill Hader: Just like you?
Harvey Fierstein: Exactly.
[drums roll and music starts]
Harvey Fierstein: Now, let your voice be heard
Bill Hader: I’m singing like a bird
Harvey Fierstein: Look, how you did it
[Kristen Wiig walks in playing a saxophone]
Bill Hader: Tonight’s my night
Harvey Fierstein: Damn right, tonight’s your night.
Kristen Wiig: It’s your show, so let’s go
Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein: Coz it’s Saturday, oh yeah! It’s Saturday night!
Bill Hader: Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight. Hozier is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
[Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein are dancing on the stage]
[cheers and applause]